janexx

Dad called me yesterday. Seems like he just wanted to chit-chat and our conversation was quite ok, but still, he speaks about so uninteresting things, tries to kind of “be pals” and stuff like that. It’s just plain stupid. There was big pauses of silence and they were very uncomfortable.
He just doesn’t seem like he used to be. I want some real questions, feeling that he is really interested in me, in my thoughts and feelings.

The biggest problem about my depression is, that I am not really in control of my feelings. Bad, depressive thoughts just come and go and I am left as an helpless observer. I can’t do anything because more and more I try to find an exit from those tortures, it just gets worse, every one effort to fight them makes three new reasons to suffer, to give up, to lose. It’s like a dragon, in place of every head that you cut off, there come three more. It’s like a poisonous flower in your head. It grows and lives its life and doesn’t care about you. It lives it’s own life.
The good news are that I will get some good money next week and I will be able to afford to take my medication again. A week or two and hopefully things will turn to better side.
Leaves me worrying about whether it’s better to live with chemically impaired brain but without depression than with depression but healthy (?) brain.
Seems like I have nothing to lose, though.

Dad visited me yesterday. Still the same. I can’t open my heart to him and he can’t open my heart for me. We talked a little, but this conversation was nervous and I had that feeling again, that I can’t say anything that interests him. I always feel that I am not a good son (and I suspect he makes me feel that way for purpose). He is not interested in things that I do, that I talk about. Only thing that is left for me – to let it go, to continue those stupid conversations, which are not interesting for me.
I need help from him, I need him to say that what I’m doing is right, that he is proud about me. But he doesn’t say anything, be it yes or no.
I miss my old dad so much!! I haven’t seen him the way he was after my parents divorce. That’s so sad…