janice182

My life goal was to be married in an LDS temple and I was when I was 18 years old. The returned missionary I married was having affairs before and during our marriage. I refused to believe what friends and family told me and I defended my husband for nearly two years. I finally WOKE UP and divorced him and stopped going to church. The LDS members are very persistant and kept tracking me down (for 15 years) to “be nice” to me. I formally quit the church and had my name removed. Thirty years went by and I was SURE I would never be interested in the LDS faith again. Just over a year ago I felt a twing of a former testimony and refused to listen to it. About six months ago I suddendly realized (in an instant, with nothing spectacular happening at all) that I still believed and had already returned spiritually - without even knowing it! I was re-baptized in April 2005 and finally my life is beginning to have hope. The thirty years away from the church was what I call a “tantrum” - I was angry that my husband was unworthy and therefore I must of been wrong about the church too. I am glad to be back, it has not been all easy and I strive each day to recommit myself to this better way of living.

Today I will contact LDS social services and find the wonderful lady who helped my husband and I in early 2005. I know she will know what I must do to accept Jesus as my friend and partner through depression. I will go to her and do what she (through God) suggests.

Today, right now, I know what I want. I want to know MORE about what I really want. I want to know how to discover more about what I want. I want to want whatever these things are more than I need whatever these things are. Within me are secrets that I have been keeping from myself. WHY? Why does not matter. What the secrets are is WHAT IS and right now, with open arms and a few tears of fear I embrace my own knowledge and God within. I feel the warmth of a loving hug and unconditional love. The lock on my secrets feels so strong. Let me hear from myself about something that I want. Movtivation to own something I want is desperatly needed. If I own it then it will happen. I accept this warm acceptance of myself and will return soon to good deeper. My young son needs me NOW.