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Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz's Life List

2. 1.

   I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair. 10 cheers

   4 people

3. 2.

   write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it. 8 cheers

   1 person

4. 3.

   not only have the world’s longest unibrow, but, like the Great Wall of China, I want it to be visible from space. 6 cheers

   1 person

5. 4.

   change my name to Palindrome, and then give myself the nickname, "Emordnilap." That way, people could refer to me as "Palindrome, a.k.a. Emordnilap." 5 cheers

   1 person

6. 5.

   start a college course called Couch 101. It'll be a class that anybody can sit in on. 5 cheers

   1 person

7. 6.

   break the speed of sound with my fists by designing boxing gloves that are shaped like jet fighter planes. 3 cheers

   1 person

8. 7.

   live forever, or have what I call an "infinite shelf life," by consuming nothing but Twinkies and honey for the next fifty years. 3 cheers

   1 person

9. 8.

   work in a cubicle with Greg Louganis, and on the first day be able to “dive right in.” 1 cheer

   1 person

10. 9.

    write a book called, "A Torso on Horseback," where the antagonist is an empty pair of pants. 3 cheers

    1 person

11. 10.

    write a story with the most unreliable narrator in the history of literature. In fact, my narrator will be so unreliable, I'm not even sure that he'll show up to narrate the story. 5 cheers

    1 person

12. 11.

    write a short story where the protagonist is a globe, and all the secondary, or "flat" characters, are all maps. It'll be a story about boundaries. 5 cheers

    1 person

13. 12.

    meet a woman named “Want,” who ideally won’t want me. That way, I can spend the rest of my life wanting Want. 2 cheers

    1 person

14. 13.

    write a song called, "I think I'm entitled to a better title than this." It's about a boy who falls in love with a comma, before it gets spliced. It's more of a country song than anything else. 1 cheer

    1 person

15. 14.

    spend six months of my life ripping paper and burning it. That way I would be wasting both paper and time. Sort of commingling my wastes into one efficient wasting management system. But since I am multitasking two wastes at the same time, is it still a w

    1 person

16. 15.

    make a tie with a tortilla chip pattern on it. That way, when I'm at lunch, and I drag my tie across my plate, the stain just looks like part of the design. 1 cheer

    1 person

17. 16.

    do an art piece in the realism style that I'll call, "Moss on Stone." and instead of using a canvas, I'll use an actual stone. And instead of using paint, I'll use actual moss. And instead of actually signing my name, I'll use the pseudonym, "Nature."

    1 person

18. 17.

    write a book called, "Automobile Crash Testing For Dummies," and since I expect my book to have a major impact on people's lives, the front cover of the book will come equipped with an airbag. 1 cheer

    1 person

19. 18.

    spend my 50th wedding anniversary doing what old people do best: forgetting.

    1 person

20. 19.

    write a sixteen-syllable Haiku about the death and disappearance of a monosyllabic word. 2 cheers

    1 person

21. 20.

    to meet a vampire who’s also a divorce lawyer, to find out if he’s a blood sucker by nature or nurture. 1 cheer

    1 person

22. 21.

    find a wormhole in the universe one Saturday morning, so that I’ll add a new dimension to my weekly fishing trip.

    1 person

23. 22.

    write, act, and direct a play that takes place in front of a mirror, so that I’m also the audience. 2 cheers

    1 person

24. 23.

    make just one person smile, without that person using even one single cheek muscle. 1 cheer

    1 person

25. 24.

    meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave. 3 cheers

    29 people

26. 25.

    For the last decade, I, Jarod Kintz, have been trying to start a garage band, but Father won't move the car. 1 entry . 1 cheer

    1 person

27. 26.

    If girlfriends were knees, I'd want to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them. 4 cheers

    1 person

28. 27.

    live in a less judgmental place. A place where I can walk hand in hand with my lover, who happens to be my other hand. 2 cheers

    1 person

29. 28.

    write the “Great American Novel”...in French. 4 cheers

    1 person

30. 29.

    start dating women who think like me, because I like to think naked. 3 cheers

    1 person

31. 30.

    make love to a woman who looks like a chicken, smells like a chicken, and tastes like she’s only been dead a few hours. 1 cheer

    1 person

32. 31.

    I want all the various languages of the world replaced by the universal language of love. And I want pants with a megaphone stitched into the crotch, so people can hear what I’m saying. 1 cheer

    1 person

33. 32.

    I want to live in a less tyrannical world. A world where trees aren’t so scared that they spend their entire lives too afraid to even move. 4 cheers

    1 person

34. 33.

    I want all the countries in the world to erase their boundaries, unless of course they’re drawn in ink. And in that case, I want them scratched out. Or whited out would be fine, too.

    1 person

35. 34.

    I want to name my penis after the Egyptian sun god. That way, after a long, rough night of sex, I could proudly exclaim, “My dick is Ra!”

    1 person

36. 35.

    I want to write a book about how to write books about writing books. Although it won’t be a long book, it will include a pen and some blank pages for which to doodle on. 2 cheers

    1 person

37. 36.

    I want to own a car that looks like a urinal, so then maybe birds wouldn’t shit on it anymore. 1 cheer

    1 person

38. 37.

    I want to start a revolution, just to see my face on all the new currency. 2 cheers

    1 person

39. 38.

    To be the best, you’ve got to train with the best. And I want to be able to jump a lot higher, so I’ve started working out with fleas, although I’ll admit it’s hard to concentrate when my scalp always itches. 1 cheer

    1 person

40. 39.

    I want to date a pink wheelchair, so I can sit on her face all day long. 1 cheer

    1 person

41. 40.

    If I could go back in time, I'd want to whisper sweet nothings in Van Gogh's ear, but not while it was attached to his head. 3 cheers

    1 person

42. 41.

    I want to stop being the trailer, and start being the tornado. 4 cheers

    1 person

43. 42.

    I want to go to a cock fight, and pass out condoms. 3 cheers

    1 person

44. 43.

    I want to be a part of NASA. Preferably the "N" or the "S" part. 3 cheers

    1 person