jazzbaby

I was given an open appointment for a blood test by my doctor two weeks ago and every day I say I’m going to go, and I don’t. Sometimes it’s because I keep forgetting to fast the night before or it’s just because I’m very nervous and wuss out. But last night, I didn’t have dinner and I could go right now and get this over and done with.

But…I was trying to find pictures of the kind of needle they use to take blood on the internet, so I won’t be surprised and freak out when they whip one of those things out in front of me, and there were lots of people saying it’s very important to drink lots of water before you go. It reduces the pain. So, I’m thinking – because I haven’t had water for days – it’s better to prepare myself properly the day before instead of just spontaneously going and not being ideal for blood-letting.

So I’m putting this as one of my 43 things so I can finally say I’ve done something. When I’ve done it.

Which I will.

When I’ve had some water.

I’m thinking about this now in terms of an actual goal to work towards, as opposed to the idle mantra it’s been for a while, and the question that keeps floating around my head is, “what is being spiritual?” When I say I want to be a more spiritual person, what do I actually mean? What do I want? What is it to be spiritual? I don’t even know. All I’ve had so far is a peaceful feeling in my heart when I think of it, the feeling that my soul is telling me to follow that path, but it’s very vague. I know what I want my life to be and I know that being in touch with the deeper side of existence is vital to that, but, for example, I can’t even think of another word for ‘spiritual’. As a writer, I reckon, if I can only think of one word to describe something, I don’t really know what I’m talking about.

So, I guess my first step is to work out…what? What I want from spirituality? How I want to use it? Should I read first? Get ideas and philosophies before I think about how to fit them into my life? I didn’t realise I had so many questions, actually. I’ll google it.

I don’t know whether to plan it or wait for something to happen naturally one day, but I really need a completely different experience of life. I feel like I’m in a living coma with every single day the same. I’m always having to ask people what day it is, or time, or if we’ve reached April yet. The other day I was thinking about Christmas; it actually took me a second to realise that it had passed already. I think it’s because all my days are bleeding into each other and I’m a bit of an absent-minded person anyway, so with no events to highlight them, I can’t tell the difference between hours, days, months.

I’ve forgotten what living is, if I ever knew, but it can’t be this blurry soporific blah blah. I want a day – I’m not greedy, one day will do – that makes me breathe again, makes my blood pulse, makes me laugh; something great.