jeffjand

HIghs:
It feels like we’re rounding the corner now. Swelling is way down in my leg and ankle and the doctor says I’ll likely be going home tomorrow. Whoop, whoop!!!! Now I’m just going to have to work like crazy for the next two weeks and maybe more….

Lows:
Way too much down time today.

Highs:

I don’t want to pat myself on the back for so many of the stupid things I’ve done in life. I have no doubt that I could have done something since July 2 a little bit different that would have made all the difference. I also have learned lessons since July 2 that I hopefully will never forget but I can also name times that I have made the same mistake twice. I have a lifetime, in other words, of incredibly dumb moments and sometimes I think it would be best for Chevy Chase or Steve Martin to play me in a movie if one were ever to be developed. At the same time, on this my fiftieth birthday summer, I have to say that I am proud of the some of the ways in which I have conducted myself over the course of this last week. I guess to use this situation then, as something of a parable of my life at fifty.

First of all, it doesn’t escape me that I’m spending a good portion of my fiftieth portion summer in the hospital after a lifetime of never going to the hospital. Kinda weird. I’m glad that none of this was related to me getting old. I remember laughing as I went through it all and realizing that the very same thing happened to me at various times throughout my life. I love exploring newness. I sometimes get myself hurt or in trouble when I explore newness. During these times, however, I find it really hard to back off. I just keep finding weird strange ways to explore.

With this kayak, I realize that I have let experience be my teacher. I believe strongly in experience as a teacher because experience, whether or not it begins with preconceived ideas or notions, tends to lead to some kind of truth that is beyond conventions and I am no fan of conventions. (That’s a fault and a strength by the way).

As far as my bullheaded decision to attend the meeting on Monday, I may have been wrong. That doesn’t mean, however, that I will do it any differently next time. I believed that I needed to be at this meeting. My boss originally echoed that belief. This whole last year and a half have been a parable about what it means to live with other people. I believe in being faithful, in treating people well, in giving them my best. I COULD NOT turn my back on them on Monday. I needed to show them that I was there for them. I don’t regret my decision even if it was “wrong” from a thousand different perspectives.

I waited to tell my wife about the job loss situation until the day it was announced to the staff. I didn’t do this so much for information security but because I didn’t want her to have to hold onto the burden until she could hear some reasons for hope as well (the positive interview that might soon lead to a job offer). This is dysfunctional of me in some ways but it is, in other ways, about treating people with what they seem to be able to handle, no leaving them alone, letting them be who they are. I strongly believe that my wife needs to learn to handle her fears and worries in a better manner and I have told her that many times. At the same time, because I know how she is when it comes to worry and because I know that I handle worry exceptionally well, I’m going to do what I can to carry her burden. Sometimes that is dysfunction but it is still less dysfunctional than some of the other dysfunctions in life and I hate to tell you this but none of us truly are living a totally functional Norman Rockwell style life and we never have been. Sorry.
As a matter of fact, maybe I’ve decided that I’m truly opposed to all people who are naming other peoples’ dysfunctions because they are usually wholly unaware of their own. Let’s just get over it and stop talking about dysfunction so much and give each other enough room and enough distance that we can run our own dysfunctional lives. Okay, nuff said.

Next, I really believe in being patient and controlling our emotions. I don’t mean ignoring our emotions. We should be able to name our emotions at any time in any place but we don’t have to wear them on our shoulders. Being patient night before last didn’t mean that I didn’t feel neglected, unfairly treated, tired and bored of waiting and a thousand other things-I knew my many feelings-being patient meant letting those emotions go in the moment. Alot of people say it this way now days, “It is what it is”. I wish alot more would learn. There’s way too much emotional babyism out on the streets these days. No wonder our kids have problems growing up.

Next, optimistic. I’m not optimistic because I believe every little thing will work out all right, I believe that every little thing will work out all right and so I have reason for optimism. I really believe that we are all like cats when it comes to our lives. We know that we are able to find ways to land on our feet. I don’t mean that there isn’t bad luck. I don’t mean that there isn’t injustice either. I do mean that under normal circumstances we can probably land on our feet. BUT WE HAVE TO KNOW THAT AND BELIEVE IT OR IT JUST WON’T HAPPEN. If I wait long enough, I will get into this emergency room and sometime things will turn right, sometime.

Finally, there’s self-awareness. Life is about watching ourselves and then learning say who we are. How are we strong? How are we weak? What have we done before? What might we never do? Having limitations is one thing. A great thing, truly a great thing, is to be able to name them.

So that’s Jeff at 50 for better or worse:

1. learns through experience and loves to explore.
2. faithful to others.
3. bears the burden.
4. is patient and hopefully emotionally intelligent
5. is optimistic as a strategy for success
6. self-aware
7. INCREDIBLY STUPID SOMETIMES

There are other things. These are the ones that seem to come through here on my fiftieth.

Other highs:

that i can sit here and do this all day today

that my leg seems to be getting better

that whenever i have a storm in my life there seems to come a time when the storm ends and calm dominates

Lows:

I never got into a room last night. I slept in one of the emergency room beds and sleeping in an emergency room bed feels a little bit like sleeping on a fallen tree in the woods; you’re not very comfortable anyway and you keep feeling like you are going to fall off one side or the other.

My leg is almost as bad as it was when I first entered the hospital courtesy of that emergency room wait.

I had these strange light sleeping dream (that’s one thing that I haven’t mentioned this last week and that is this situation has made it hard for me to go to sleep—something I’m not at all used to) that I was alone with only one other nurse and that the rest of the hospital was across some huge river. Nobody ever saw us and we couldn’t figure out how to cross the river. I really know that I have never felt as neglected as I have these last twenty-four, neglected and perhaps misunderstood. I didn’t skip the hospital because I was being irresponsible but because I was being supremely responsible.

My friend Keith called and we laughed about this little dramedy that I am facing. We all have such funny sides.

Got into my room at about 3:45. I am going to relax, eat food, watch t.v. all night. My room is a single and I am slow glad to finally land here. I’m ready to get this leg fixed now.

ONE FINAL POSITIVE: my room has wi fi. I can get online tomorrow and check on my e-mails, check Craig’s list for jobs, catch way up on 43 things and do a couple other things. Yes…