jennkennedy302

So, this is all going to be about me. I need to stop repeating my mistakes of the past and I need to get better. I am sick of whining about things. I know for a fact that I am a strong woman and can do so many things, so I refuse to get down about someone that, yes I do have feelings for, but who does NOTHING for ME or my CHILD! I have gotten through school, had a child on my own and have a roof over my head and money in the bank. We have clothes on our back and food in our fridge. I am a great person and I have so much to offer friends, employers and I have love to give. I deserve friendship and love as well. NO matter what I do or don’t do, I deserve that.
I realized something tonight..this thing between Kevin and I will never work out and we should just stay apart. I am fairly certain he feels the same way. So, I need to just be friends with him. This is going no where and if I am alone then so be it.

So I just got an e-mail from an old friend and she told me that she found my ex fiance on facebook and he is still single. Not quite sure if she told me that so I could look him up, or, like, haha he’s still single. So, I looked him up and there he is. Looks the same, maybe a few more lines around the eyes and then I go back to our relationship. Horribly disfunctional, but did I make it up? I know I didn’t but was he as really bad as I tell the stories about. They really did happen. He really did make me do things I didn’t want to do. He really did throw me out of a chair and into a wall. He really did beat the shit out of me in front of police and nothing happened to him. I really did have bruises on me. He really did follow my friends around looking for me and he really did grab me in a bar and demand that I leave with him. But why do I feel like it was so long ago and that maybe I feel bad for dumping him? Is this an indulgent feeling of mine? I really was abused, why do I feel like I wasn’t? Why do I feel like that? I really was hurt as a child. I really have been used up by men, and women too. Why can’t I just accept that and move on? It just seems that either I push it out of my subconsience or I dwell on it too long? What is the happy medium. Will I ever have the life that I say that I want? Do I really want that life at all, because all I do is fall for men who are all worse than the last one. I know if I don’t get out there though I will close off my heart for too long and never let anyone in. It hurts so much to open myself up and I love the the feeling of happiness and contentment that I feel when I am with him, but this feeling of uncertainty and not feeling like I am good enough just sucks. Dave really did hurt me. He really did hit me, force me to be someone I wasn’t and I almost married him. If I was with him right now, he would still be in my life, but I had the cockiness of youth on my side and knew that i shouldn’t settle for someone like that. It took me 2 years to get out of it. But I did it. Do I have enough strength to get away from him now? He doesn’t hurt me, but he does run hot and cold. I have never known anyone like him, or had a relationship like this. He is dangerous because of his lifestyle, running, looking over his shoulder, but I adore him. I do love him. I never loved Dave like this. It is not just the romantic, first time infatuation passionate love but I truely do care about him. It’s ok to feel that way about someone. I can feel this way and not pull away. I will not be afraid of being hurt.

So I just got an e-mail from an old friend and she told me that she found my ex fiance on facebook and he is still single. Not quite sure if she told me that so I could look him up, or, like, haha he’s still single. So, I looked him up and there he is. Looks the same, maybe a few more lines around the eyes and then I go back to our relationship. Horribly disfunctional, but did I make it up? I know I didn’t but was he as really bad as I tell the stories about. They really did happen. He really did make me do things I didn’t want to do. He really did throw me out of a chair and into a wall. He really did beat the shit out of me in front of police and nothing happened to him. I really did have bruises on me. He really did follow my friends around looking for me and he really did grab me in a bar and demand that I leave with him. But why do I feel like it was so long ago and that maybe I feel bad for dumping him? Is this an indulgent feeling of mine? I really was abused, why do I feel like I wasn’t? Why do I feel like that? I really was hurt as a child. I really have been used up by men, and women too. Why can’t I just accept that and move on? It just seems that either I push it out of my subconsience or I dwell on it too long? What is the happy medium. Will I ever have the life that I say that I want? Do I really want that life at all, because all I do is fall for men who are all worse than the last one. I know if I don’t get out there though I will close off my heart for too long and never let anyone in. It hurts so much to open myself up and I love the the feeling of happiness and contentment that I feel when I am with him, but this feeling of uncertainty and not feeling like I am good enough just sucks. Dave Piechura really did hurt me. He really did hit me, force me to be someone I wasn’t and I almost married him. If I was with him right now, he would still be in my life, but I had the cockiness of youth on my side and knew that i shouldn’t settle for someone like that. It took me 2 years to get out of it. But I did it. Do I have enough strength to get away from him now? He doesn’t hurt me, but he does run hot and cold. I have never known anyone like him, or had a relationship like this. He is dangerous because of his lifestyle, running, looking over his shoulder, but I adore him. I do love him. I never loved Dave like this. It is not just the romantic, first time infatuation passionate love but I truely do care about him. It’s ok to feel that way about someone. I can feel this way and not pull away. I will not be afraid of being hurt.
Not afraid of being hurt because I have been. Things have ended, old news….Now I just feel like I am right back to old ways. Hooking up with stupid guys who really could give a shit about me, or even who I am. I feel Like I will never be a different person. maybe I jsut need to accept that this is me. I fell like I was just being used for 1 1/2year and now I’m back to just being someones dirty little secret. Fuck, I feel like shit. Cut the head of one off and another one pops up