jennyfrmdablok85

There’s always a “thing” isn’t there? Something to prevent me from knowing if it’s right or wrong, what is the risky choice, to stay and hope that something will come along, or to actually act and see what happens then? Either way I feel like I don’t have control over the situation, but I guess I need to trust my gut and let the feelings I have guide my decisions.

what is the secret to optimism? why do some people have it and some people don’t? why do i feel like i am slowly falling off of a cliff, sinking down into a kind of despair where nothing is good, everything is black… isn’t it strange that black because the mood, black is nothing, it is absense… the mood i have is so full, so full of anger and longing and frustration and desperation and sadness. i am so sad that things are not working out like i want them too, that i seem to lack the strength to change them. what do i do? i want to scream and shout and run away but at the same time i know that i need to stand up and fight, i need to be strong, why am i not strong enough right now? why do i keep falling down? is this that self fulfilling prophecy that i’ve heard about today… it always happens this way. one week on, one week down. i keep saying next time next time. do we run out of next times? what happens when you turn the page and all there is is the spine? im running myself down to my book spine, there will be no more pages for me. i will have ripped them all out because i didn’t like what they had written on them. whoever was the asshole that said these are the best years of your life? they don’t know who i am, i could barely even tell you. right now it’s somewhere between the color black and an empty spine.

My friend and I have this phrase that we jokingly say to each other, “what is love?” as if it is some alien thing, but I think for me it is foreign because it feels so far from my realm of experience. I want the whole experience of falling in love right from the what I’m sure knowing me will be the awkward first meeting followed by the anxiety of getting to know each other to slowly becoming more comfortable with the other person and trusting them and wanting to be around them and learn from them and then feeling that grow deeper and stronger into what I believe is the root of love. There’s a part of me that feels it will be the clique, the girly I watch a lot of television and silly movies part, but deep in my soul there’s something that believes there will be a part that is akin to these girlish dreams or at least an element of my own experience that will at least feel similar. I don’t want to approach this goal totally cynical as if it doesn’t exist in a wonderfully fantastic capacity, because where’s the fun in that?! But I do find that I tend to let my head float up off my shoulders and into the clouds a little too easily.