jennyofthemoon

and you will!

Generally, I don’t care to go places where there are poeple that I don’t get along with. I live in an itty-bitty town, and you run into people everywhere. This past weekend, a friend and I went out, which was LNOG overdue for both of us. We went to this little place downtown, and of course half the poeple in townw e don’t like or don’t liek us were there. I was pretty scared going into it..mostly because I tend to feel really insecure, but we held our heads up high, and walked in like we owned the place. We had a blast!! At first, my security was just acting..but the longer we stayed, I realized that I am NOT a product of the other people arund me, and was secure in myself and had a fantastic time!!

or rather, nto to simply, but to de-clutter, and I am taking the opportunity to simplify as I go. Motivated by having to, I’m not sure that it’s really reaching any goal, but the fact that I am chosing to simplify down rather than just move crap around as I normally do is something that I am proud of.

Our neighbors have a bug problem (NOT raoches, thank god..I would shoot them if that were the case!!) and we are having our house treated as wlel. I got the call yesterday that the exterminator is coming in two and a h alf days, and there needs to be nothing on my flooors aside from heavy furnituyre.

Now, I am fairly neat. MY house is clean, although there is clutter around, but it is all contained by totes and bins and shelves, etc. I have decided that since I have to move all the little/light stuff, I am really gong to do this right..go through it all and chuck and donate what is not really being used, what is floating around fr no reason, etc. I am hoping that sine I have a short time to do this, rather than my normal open-ended agenda, I will be less hesitant to think about anything too much, and just go with my gut!!

Hopefully it works…

We went out to dinner yesterday with some friends who are getting married today. We went to this fantastic sushi bar/japanese restaurant, and sat a hibatchi table where all our food was prepared fresh and in front of us. What an experience!! IT was amazing, the food was divine, and everyone had a great time!

So…they order some sushi, which I have alwyas said that I wanted to try, just for the experience. They offered me some, which I at first declined, but then figured..it’s now or never baby!! So I did it..I had a tuna roll.

So interesting. I put a bit o f wasabit on the end, and a lit dip in the soy sauce, and then popped it in my mouth. The explosion of flavor when I bit down was AMAZING!!! Of course, once I bit again, the texture kinda got to me, but I persevered (hey, I was in the middle of a restaurant, I couldn’t just spit it out, ya know?? LOL) and with each bite it got b etter, and finally towards the end of it it was quite enjoyable.

I seriosuly doubt that I will ever do it again. But I am very proud of myself for trying it, and I can say that I have done it.

I’m glad that I reached this goal, and also that obtaining it was a result fo other things I have been working on about myelf, like not being so scared, and being in charge of myself.

I wanted to statr working on thi, REALLY working on this, and it made me sit back and think, really, why am I so scared? What is so scary out there that I need to write this down in order to work on it?

At first, I thought was afraid of failure. But I have “failed” (by my definition) at many things in life, and been able to kepe on plugging along no big deal. Surely it is dissapoining to not succeed at soemthing that you want, but it’s not the end of the world..

Concern over what others thought? Being laughed at? Looked at differently? None of these things are all that important to me….

I realized after a lot of thinking that it is my heart that is afraid. It has been hrut many times, and I’m tired of it. I guess to stop being scared, I have to be more vulnerable, and THAT is a scary thought to me…to open my heart up, to peopole, ideas, etc., and know that there is apossibilty that I won’t meet my goal, that Iwon’t be up to the challenge. So I figure, I need a new way of looking at failure…..to change a “failure” into “that was great!”

So last week, I did something that was VERY scary (for me). I did it knowing that I could be upset, hurt, embarassed, and it was terrifying. And afterwards, I looked at my frfiend, and I said, you know what…I am very proud of me. Enough said. :)

I’ve been doing well with my goal of walking more, n dhave decided that I need to make some sort f regular cardiovascular workout part of my life, not just something that I do “sometimes”. I was talking to my dad last night about starting to bike iwht him. My body feels so much better when I do something, and while I really enjoy jogging, I find that at the same time it helps my muscle system remain strong and support my back and core, it does put a lot of stress on my bones. I am thinking of taking up cycling instead, and hope that I enjopy it as much as I do jogging. I am a little owrried that Von wont’ care for the trailer, but right now, shes my workout buddy so we’ll just play it by ear.

I am gong t continue to jog several times weekly, but am hoping that by the end of the month, I can get by butt ona bbike and not kill myself :)

I WANT to be more organized very badly, but with four little kids, I find that what I want to accomplish and what I actually do are two very differnt things each day. So I have decided that rather than not getting anything done and moping about that, I’m starting in baby steps. I bought a new organizer for the diaper, and have the diapering stuff nice and organized now. I alos bought some of those rubbermaid dressers for just school stuff, and each fo the school aaged kids had a seperate space for school clothes, socks, undies, etc. seperate from their regular clothes in their rooms. I have been slowly but surely plucking away, and find that if I set my goal to organize at least ONE thing each day, I have adccomplished one little tiny step towards my goal. I am finding that some days I accomplish quite a bit, and on the days that I don’t, as long as I do that one thing, I still feel satisfied that I am aking some sort of progress.

I have heard MANY times that people find me very intimidating, because I tend to be blunt and honest from the frist time I meet you. I have been working veyr hard lately on watchig teh way that I speak in an effort to come across as less harsh.

As one of my other goals is to speak my true feelings, I am paying very close attention to my words. nI don’t want to be complacent about things, that is not my intention at all. I simply think that I have spent a long time speaking in a way that is not really how I want to come across, and not always the most productive and/or effective. I am know trying very hard to make sure that I do NOT interrupt, that I use a pleasant speaking tone, and that I present my thoughts ina way that is not over bearing or judgemental sounding.

and seriously doubt that I ever will be. My long-term goal here is not to feel fabulous about my body, because I don’t think that is realistic. I’ve decided that what I want is rather a culminaton of several of my “things”, including walking more, eating better food choices, and not beating myself up if I make a choice that wasn’t the best one.

I have been getting back into walking regularly, and starting to throw some jogging in as I feel like it. My eating habits are getting a bit more regualar, and I’m very happy about that.

Part of my feelings on my body are simply physical image ones, others are realted to feeling as if my body has failed me..not being able to birth my children normally, bone disease, etc….some just not fair, some not common for my age. I realize ther eis nothing I can do to change these thigns, so I really need to let them go and appreciate what my body can do. There are people that have more pain than I do, who have limbs that are gone or un-useable, and I need to be more thankful for what my body CAN do rather than focusing on the things that have let me down.

The walking really helps my bones, as my leg and butt muscles are tighter, holding everything in line better, so I am trying really hard to keep up with this well.

I’m focusing on feeling comfortable in my skin, and being accepting of how I am…all I can do is the best I can, and it is about time I accept that that’s it.

Today, I’m feeling pretty good actually. I had an interview and felt that I looked good, my body felt strong, and for once, I was feeling good about my body. I hope that I can keep this up!

I tend to not speak my true feelings for two reasons. The first is that I hate to hurt people, and the second is that I am not the world’s most confident person, and don’t want to make an idiot of myelf.

I have had a couple occasions in the last week that I am very proud of myself for! I have been open an dhonest about how I feel about things, and what I want and don’t want. I have taken the risk (in my book) and stopped trying to anser people in a wa that is both truthful but in a way giving in to them, and just been me..said my own thoughts, not caredgement.

I don’t think that a week of this is enough to say that I’ve “accomplished” this but I am really proud of how I have been able to speak my own mind and assert my own feelings this week. I think this s the start of being more true to myself!

I am not a very socail person with those that I dont’ know well. I did go out on a limb, which is unusual for me, to make a new friend recently.

I don’t care for the slush that comes with getting to know new people, but I rtied soemthing different, and it’s nice.

I’ll write more about it later…

My friend and I have started walking more, mostly at night after the kids are in bed (aside from the babies). I am feeling better, and it’s a great time to vent and get our frustrations out!

I’ve been wanting to go back to church for a couple years now, but wasn’t sure where to go. I really want my kids to have some sort of faith-based community, but being raised Catholic, I knew that wasn’t what I wanted. The church down the street hosted a VBS this summer, an I signed the kids up. They went and had a blast!! Since then (about a month ago) we’ve been attending church services there. It’s Chirtian non-denominational, and I am really enjoying it. Everyone is so friendly, and it’s not pushy or strict..just feels good to have that “extra” community and have a place to go for peacefulness.