jimi808

a girl that i THOUGHT was the love of my life just moved to fucking tennessee to get on with her life with her boyfriend.

i moved out of our apartment last year in like March or April. i guess that’s when she considers that i “never wanted anything to do with” her anymore. which is total bullshit because i wanted her back so badly and apologized a million times for all my past transgressions against her AND SHE FUCKING knew it. she knew it and she used it against me and used me right up until the day she got on that plane…this new year’s day.

i really wanted her to change her mind and give us another shot. but the more i thought about our soured relationship (as well as the rest of my past relationships) the more i loathed her. and it came to a head christmas eve when i told her that my hatred for her was deep and to “quit fucking txting me you fuck!” i regretted it instantly but whatever.

i’ve since been on a self-loathing kick. i came to the sad realization that every girl that i’ve dated is now with a guy. i was talking to a friend about this and he said that i should date a guy now and if he turns gay THEN i should go ahead and off myself.

so i’ve been dating a boy…sorta. we’ve known each other for years but never really hung out before. he just moved back into town after graduating college; i myself and one semester away from graduating. on our 4th “date” he makes a joke about me having to put out. i laugh it off, uneasily, and since then the thought has been lingering in the back of my head. i’ve been trying to rationalize my way into it, but i just don’t think that i can.

when the two of us hang out it’s great! he’s so smart and funny and we’re never at a lack of conversation. but in Reality Bites Vicki (played by Janeane Garofalo) says that, “Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.” and i like to think that he and i have become fairly good friends now. and i certainly don’t want to ruin that.

sometimes…i imagine that finally accept this life of quiet desperation that i’m leading. i think i could just do it and get married and live out my life “settling”. i mean, up until and including now, i haven’t been successful in any relationship. WHY NOT JUST DO IT?

well, because i’m not a TOTAL selfish jerk, i probably won’t sleep with him and i’ll let him know that it probably ain’t gonna happen – unless i stumble into a vat of Newcastle. because i know what you’re thinking, that it’s not fair to him should i decide he’s the one i want to spend the rest of my life with “in quiet desperation”.

so where is she? where is my soulmate? is there such a thing?! has anyone, besides a character in a movie, ever met their special someone? and besides in the movies, do people every really spend the rest of their lives together NOT in quiet desperation?