☠ dustball jin ☠

a star that travels into holes to get a sense of how it ends



Entries
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post letters here that i would never send (read all 28 entries…)
Dear super tight boots

We had our fun but… never again. Though a pretty good day for me, today was the worst day of my feet’s life.



think positive (or try) (read all 141 entries…)
villain shopkeeper

The cashier at the store next to my house comes right out of a movie ; he always has a tiny dawg siting on his lap that he pets with one hand while scanning articles with his other hand. And he has the classic villain thin moustache. He’s hella nice though. Anyway, I’m glad this strange character’s part of my life, lol.



think positive (or try) (read all 141 entries…)
Untitled

- new guy at work’s a great pal. We have the same fine taste for really lame puns. Likes decent music.

- neighbour’s cute dawg gave me a super friendly, endless greeting

- eyeliner

- magical toilet cleaner (are my pleasures too simple maybe ?)



leave my eyebrows alone for a while (and unrelated entries) (read all 34 entries…)
Err, okay!

I officially had the most hilarious pervy dream last night. I woke up part LMAO, part turned on, though mostly amazed that my brain could even make that up. I would so never have thought of that awake. Brilliant stuff. So wrong haha.



think positive (or try) (read all 141 entries…)
Untitled

superhero stuff :

- I helped out a severely paralysed German tourist and kept him company while his walking pal wasn’t around. i got a nice tip.

- I smiled confidently enough to two intimidatingly pretty girls. They smiled back. i haz a new crush!

- A vending machine ate my nice tip and gave me nothing in return ! First I cursed the damned thing, but then with observation, patience and determination, I vanquished, saving the whole subway station from the sneakily out of order machine’s evil. I identified the problem, then the cause, then à la MacGyver, with a only a pen (!), proceeded to fix the problem in a couple of minutes (turns out some loser had put an amazing level of thought into sabotaging the machine with a folded metro ticket, but I outsmarted him!). How about that ?

not something i did, not really heroic either, but worthy of a movie nonetheless :

- patroling under the tower, a soldier in uniform holding an assault rifle. Under his right eye : two tattooed tears.



be braver (read all 4 entries…)
Untitled

I’m all over the place these days and not very brave at all. I feel I’m just good at feeling things and can’t do crap. Don’t know what to do with myself. Afraid of everything. I wish someone more skilled at life could take control of my body and do the stuff I can’t handle, sort my life, then give me my body back once there’s stuff to enjoy.

I got a few important things done these last few days that I should have taken care of ages ago (administrative stuff) and I guess I’m proud, but I hardly feel any relief, none of it concretely amounts to anything yet, and there’s still so much in the way of feeling free and peaceful, every tiny obstacle discourages me. Instead of staying focused I obsess over stupid stuff, like I spent two hours searching online for stupid ear cuffs because my brain thinks it’s important. Like I don’t look silly enough.

This really is a depression entry that I’m (un)subtly writing under another goal because I said I’d stop writing depression entries. I’m planning to maintain the effort. Just not tonight. Tonight I bought candies. I’m gonna eat them.

I suppose spending more time off from here and especially less time lamenting has been helpful, putting me in the right state of mind, one that feels new. Still that awareness that change is in my hands and must happen now occasionally makes me very dizzy and helpless. I’m on the right track though. Life is supposed to shake you. Whatever comfort I usually find in indolence is not real life.



find out stuff about life (read all 17 entries…)
I just found out what the word for "cold and tired" should be

Brrr

+

Zzz

= Brrrzzz!

there, that’s as close as I’ll ever get to contributing to the laws of physics.



think positive (or try) (read all 141 entries…)
Untitled

- one paperwork-fest out of the way, one down ! proud I took care of that business

- new schmexy shirt

- didn’t forget sister’s birthday

- relaxing-as-can-be evening at work, quite a switch from last sunday in the same shop

- miss Unp’ not too cool to talk to me anymore, some sweet enough time together (as always, seems to happen when I’m not giving a damn)

- lunch with friend (on my initiative for once)

- silly texting with friends and coworkers

- laughs with mean “gangster” girl coworker

- being (relatively) on time at stuff

- decent salad (wouldn’t that be a good band name ? erm maybe not)



find out stuff about life (read all 17 entries…)
I'm quasi positive

that birds shit more/different during springtime. Anyway, it’s more noticeable.



keep my big mouth shut (read all 2 entries…)
Untitled

This year my mom’s been very sick. The last thing I want is her worrying about me. So whenever I see her I act like I’m doing great. Tonight I was a bit blue though and at some point I couldn’t help but let out a sigh and a look of despair. She asked what was wrong and I just dropped all my defences and was honest for a minute. I regret not keeping my mouth shut. See, in her mind, I got over my depression ages ago, she had no idea that I’m still dealing with those feelings and how long climbing back that slope is actually going to be. I can tell she got very upset. I feel like crap for mentioning it. She already has her health to worry about. Plus she began to act sort of controlling and infantilizing, however could I forget that this is how she is? My mom’s the worst person to crack in front of, because obviously she’s my mom and instead of just listening she’ll start to worry and stuff, obviously. Anyway, this the last time I let my guard down in front of her. Listening is what friends are for. Now, to find a friend…!



list 100 things that make me misanthropic (read all 48 entries…)
85

85- Bullshit politeness in paperwork. Look, reading through loads of paperwork is a tedious enough task without the presence of flavour wording. I understand it’s supposed to make the paper less impersonal but it actually makes it even more impersonal, because paperwork-people can’t write, and so it just ends up sounding like you inserted a random phrase that you pulled out of the big-bag’o’random-phrases-that-you’re-not-sure-what-they-mean-but-you-insert-them-anyway-to-make-yourself-look-professional-i-guess-while-making-me-lose-more-time-trying-to-figure-out-what-the-paper’s-about. Just get to the point already.

This is the faithful translation (I shit you not) of an actual sentence from one of many a paper I’m trying to go through right now :

Sir,

I am humbly asking you to please want to find, joined to this letter, your information summary.

Let me get this straight… You want me… to want... to find a sheet of paper that’s right underneath the one I’m holding. You don’t even want me to find it, you want me to want to find it. What kind of soft-ass time-consuming language is this ? Does someone really think I’ll get offended if instead you just write something like :

Sir,

Here is your information summary.

In fact, don’t even “join it to this letter”. If you really want me to find it, just put it in the envelope with no letter and I’ll figure it out, as long as it says above “information summary”. Seriously, I get one of those a month and I assume I’m not the only one, forget my worthless time, wouldn’t it waste less paper to just do away with the letter ? Jesus…

The letter ends with a phrase that is now so overused in France that you can’t expect to get a job interview if you don’t end your cover letter with it. I for one am actively fighting the propagation of such language. Check out that phrase :

I am humbly asking you to accept the expression of my distinguished consideration.

Again, I shit you not, this phrase is used everywhere. Let’s break it down a little bit (I won’t get into asking-you-to-accept/want-you-to-want again).

Distinguished consideration. Really ? If you have any consideration for me, don’t write that. I’m fine with just your consideration.

And why should I accept the expression of your consideration ? Why can’t I have your actual consideration ? Are you too cool ? It sounds like you’re saying :

I am lying about being considerate. I’m just expressing consideration. Please accept the lie that I am making.

That or it sounds like the consideration is real but you’re just being super meta about it. Like :

Hello,

I know consideration is a concept and not a tangible object that can be mailed to a person, and so instead I am imparting you the abstract expression of it. I hope you understand that this is not me actually speaking to you but words that I typed and that you are reading, if you accept to do so anyway. I am alive right now. This phrase ends with a full stop.

Here’s what a proper way to express your consideration would be :

Sir,

I respect you.

Thanks, creep.



know what to do with my days (read all 22 entries…)
Today

I want to book a massage somewhere. That’s my only priority.



stand up for myself (read all 17 entries…)
Untitled

Yesterday was my most stressful day of work ever, no question ; I expect a hernia to show up anytime soon. When I finally got to close shop I left a pretty immature note under the office door saying :

Please,

Don’t have me work in that one boutique EVER again!!

That was a bit over-dramatic I reckon, not sure how they’ll react to that… But there you go, I never get a chance to talk to them anyways so I suppose if I leave a note that is out-of-character enough maybe they’ll get curious and give me a bloody minute.

I’m far too polite and patient and dealing with psychopath clients is neither part of my training nor of my contract for that matter. I had no time to eat one bite of my dinner last night as I had to spend three hours with a douchelord client who just wouldn’t call it a day, and almost every single bad thing that could have happened happened, I almost thought I was being punk’d. Just a nightmare.

I don’t have the shoulders for that kind of crap so I’m asking them to put my youth to some use instead, and for once have me work in one of the busier shops, where transactions last thirty seconds and you actually get to move and be helpful, as opposed to being stuck with the same person for fifteen minutes minimum. Cause when they’re decent people and the tools work fine, it’s a blast, but when not it’s a frigging nightmare and just too much stress for me.



less computer, more exercise (read all 3 entries…)
Untitled

Today before work I’m going to a gym for the first time ever, with a colleague (security person at my job). I’m prepared to look stupid in front of every machine.



find out stuff about life (read all 17 entries…)
Well, that's interesting

My fridge has somehow turned into a freezer. The salad’s frozen and there’s a huge chunk of ice in the bottle of milk. At this time I’m too lazy to even inquire why this has happened. Which worries me cause I just had a two hour nap.



get new social security card
Untitled

Went there. Got some paperwork now. To take care of it this week.



list all my little neuroses and work on them (read all 16 entries…)
Like a lot of peeps

I occasionally put my hand against my hip when I’m waiting. It’s a stupid-ass pause.



stop saying "i've got to"
i've got to

stop saying that !



lurve (read all 47 entries…)
crush

i haz a new. I haven’t actually seen her in a long time. It just occured to me that I missed her rather than the person I usually miss and that she deserved to mentally torture me more than the other one does. She was already on the crush list actually, only she seems to have ninja’ed her way to the top somehow.

And it’s officially spring at last. Meaning the crush list isn’t even relevant anymore because all of a sudden there are pretty jin-ettes everywhere (not sure where winter had been hiding them). Seriously speaking if the good weather is okay with staying, this is the time of year when generally I’m giddier and moar confident so maybe I’ll take my chances and go adventure and be less shy instead of staying very single one more season.

I’m actually a little upset with spring happening now! : I spent the last two months waiting for it and exercising and stuff and was starting to feel okay about myself, and then because of the cold I get super sick, lose a lot of weight in just one week and look pale as death, and all of a sudden, hey, surprise, it’s spring, now everyone get naked ! Should have happened a week earlier so I don’t get very sick >:[. Anyway, the word anyway’s a good word to begin a sentence that ends an entry, even if the sentence says nothing but just that.



think positive (or try) (read all 141 entries…)
that smartass march weather

Hello !? Hail during spring, really ?? I feel like I’m in that scene from the Truman Show where it randomly starts raining only right onto Jim Carrey because the studio’s artificial weather isn’t optimally synchronised ; I feel random bad weather keeps following me that way whenever I set foot outside. Seriously this pissed me off because I had important stuff I wanted to do and I’m already ill so I decided to just go back home and cancel everything, but in retrospect it’s quite funny. I mean freaking hail !



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