from a random dude on the street with crazy eyes who mimes shooting a gun at you. Weirdly enough, they won’t care for it.
I haven’t slept a full night in days. 2013 has just begun and it appears I’m to be blessed with asthma this year, which I’ve never had until the last three nights, during which I’ve just been coughing, spitting and not-breathing. It’s a little less extreme during the day and outside of my house but still pretty debilitating. I’ve been miserable over an inconsiderate femme fatale, I’m sick of work… I never thought I’d say this but I’m almost missing 2012-jin. Already.
I’ve been coughing and spitting violently all night, no stop, I’m exhausted. I’m almost wondering whether it’s some kind of allergy because if it’s a cold/virus it seems strangely stronger at night/when I’m in my apartment… It’s unbearable :(. Weirdly I feel a tingle in my throat similar to the one I attribute to my occasional panic attacks, except it stays for hours instead of the usual five seconds.
EDIT : pretty sure I’ve got a mold allergy, well, I know you shouldn’t consult the internetz when you’re sick but it very much makes sense considering I’ve got all those symptoms and a mold problem.
- no work today (they closed the whole place because of the frost, yeah !)
- despite my bad cold I’m feeling better in my body lately thanks to my casual work-out, which I plan to keep up. I also look better in fitting room mirrors but everybody does (I wish I could shave in there, that light!).
- oh, the other day, Miss Can’t-pronounce-jin’s-name… was pronouncing it like she always has when for some reason she stopped, and corrected herself, actually saying my name the right way for the first time. Not sure what happened there but it sure felt funny.
- I’m really glad with some melodies I come up with :). I just wish I could be happy with my lyrics… It’s almost impossible to stay coherent whilst painting in words that sound good on the music. I mean, I can write a text with just the right rhythm and zing to it, but often the emotion in a certain succession of notes will literally trigger a very specific word and there’s no way to introduce that word in just a few seconds while remaining coherent with the rest of the song. I could use another word but it wouldn’t feel right to me. I almost feel like just singing random words with no regard for logic but then that would just sound goofy/pretentious.
With what’s left of today (which I mostly spent in bed, as it’s fckn’ Skyrim outside : snow ! snow everywhere !) I’m going to try to
- go to the pool (yes, it’s crazies, with the bad weather and all, but if the pool is warm enough it should still be better than running in the cold)
- do some big shopping
- do some small tidying up
- go to bed not too late
3pm : Two brown bread toasts with jam and margarine, too much pasta, multivitamin
9pm : Rice + Chinese chicken with caramel sauce + fruit salad
10 : 30 pm : way too much cereal + milk
8:30 pm : Sandwich (veggie steak + salad and cheese) + chocolate cookie
9:30 pm : (too much) cereal with milk
3:30 pm : one moar bowl of cereal
1:30 pm > salad + turkey + hot apricot and chestnuts + fruit salad
4:30 pm > milk chocolate with hazelnut
7pm > rice + vegetarian nems + duck (who cares, ducks are dicks)
midnight > pasta + tomato + one slice of cheese + 1 banana + nuts
I feel so old today. I feel I’ve wasted so much time and youth and optimism to doing nothing. I feel like some stupid decaying body with fancy eyebrows walking around. I miss having someone. I miss being boldly creative and not a self-limiting perfectionist. I miss going to class. I miss staying in my bedroom like I did pretty much that whole year, unaware of time passing by, just daydreaming. I was scared of everything because of the recent tinnitus but my bed felt like such a sanctuary. These days it hardly feels like a bed at all ; more like a reminder that I’m messy, always tired and will have to get up tomorrow and get my butt to my crappy job like every day this whole last year… Why time ? Why do some people die younger than I ? Why will others live longer yet not have whatever luck I have ? There you go, getting all (cheap) existential-blues… I’ll just keep my head up and walk my fancy eyebrows around more places I suppose. Tomorrow will be very cold. I’ll just wear comfy-ass unsexy shit and be nice to people and have something to read, drink, eat in my bag ; will probably make the day easier. In fact, I’m sure the horrid weather and lack of light at my place have been contributing to how I feel. I like my voice to be crystal clear ; it’s sucked this last couple of months because of a succession of colds of varrying intensity. Makes my singing all meh :(. I want to buy a TV. Surely a grown hardworking boy should have the right to have a nice TV ? I live way too poorly and minimalistically. It’s incredible that my family allows this. I’m so not a success at anything, yet they seem so content that I have this really lower than average job. Worse, they keep embarrassing me by telling the whole world about it. Bah… Let the world do their thing, I’ll keep doing mine I guess.
I’m so so shy. Really hot girl threw herself at me tonight, said I had a sexy voice and gorgeous eyes and other weird stuff, grabbed me and gave me a long sensual kiss right next to my mouth. Twice. I just stood there and smiled like a dumbass. Her friend whom I had been talking with was standing right next staring at us which I believe is what made me uncomfortable, would have been a bit dickish to start kissing her hot friend while she was talking to me… Still when I had to leave I produced a cheap rose I had sneakily gotten from a street vendor and offered it to her because no one said you couldn’t be shy and classy at the same time. Anyway, I couldn’t grab an opportunity for the life of me.
2pm (I was grumpy because I didn’t get to eat until then) > one bowl of cereal with milk and banana. Because of all the frustration from not eating before I wanted to have a second bowl but since it was so late already I figured I may as well have something salty. I went out to get a fish sandwich with fries as there was little left in the house and I was super hungry but they had no more of those. Instead I had some falafel with veggies. I realised I wasn’t really hungry anymore and left most of it (was good but felt “fat” because of the frying and sauce probably). Multivitamin.
4:30pm > one pita with… honey (weird choice but the family home’s been as food empty as mine lately). Then another one with salad, a slice of cheese and ketchup.
7pm > a banana, a small plate of cereal (without milk), a clementine.
11pm > wild rice with lentles and some peanuts. I didn’t make too much and was eating slowly enough, but as I was getting increasingly depressed (started around seven) I must confess I began having an eating frenzy after that. First I just wanted some feel-good food so I had a bit of apricot and raspberry ice-cream. Then quickly I had more, then more peanuts even though I was feeling full, then an old giant loaf of bread. I must confess I spat most of those out, I was full but just needed to eat to fill the void because I was feeling really down. Eventually I just grabbed a handful of chewing gum to stop wasting food… I’m glad I’ve been writing all this down ; knowing I’d have to journal it in detail later on is what stopped my eating frenzy I believe. I’m really one mess of a compulsive person :(
- Nice long chat with miss M from work. I can almost call her a good friend. She called me her little brother though, which hurt me a bit cause we’re supposed to call each other love (I like flirty friendships). Another compliment on my eyebrows (I must have gotten good at this $#!+).
- Hilarious story at work : apparently they found out that the reason that computer broke is because someone’s been watching p0rn on it ! Of course now speculations are up as to who that someone is… My vote goes to that guy who broke a door and another tool at that shop and keeps leaving food and toilet paper everywhere for some reason.
- Made someone’s day by running out of the store with a poster they were looking for that we seemed not to have anymore until I did a double-check.
I think the fact that my mom’s very short plays an insidious part in my bad posture : see, all the mirrors were placed rather low when I was growing up. I dunno… Just remembered this as I was bowing before my bathroom’s impractical mirror to do a clothing check before going out today. A mirror placed by my brother… who’s short himself (used to be his place). Damn ! That explains it.
12ish > two slices of brown bread with margarine and honey. One egg. One soya steak. Multivitamin.
Went to the pool, swam like an epileptic puppy for 20 minutes.
3pm > apple + couple of salty crackers.
6pm > slice of cheese pizza
7:45pm > vegetarian nems with rice. I wanted to have fruit salad with it but they had no more. So at 10pm-ish I had a pain au chocolat and a madeleine au chocolat.
Commentary : I’m trying to eat less pastry so fruit salad would have been nicer (literally : it’s pretty much my favourite thing to eat). With a proper lunch I’d probably have been less hungry the rest of the day (had more of a brunch as I got up late). It’s midnight now and I’m still pretty hungry yet not sure what to have. I don’t want to be a control freak about this, yet I’d like to avoid the total anarchy that generally rules my feeding habits…
EDIT : So at 1am I had rice with… was it veal ? (found that in my parents’ fridge). And a slice of cheese. That should probably have been my lunch but whatever, there you know it all.
11 am > cereal with nuts. Apple.
(I never usually eat in the morning, I wait until I’m hungry and have a crazy fat snack)
Went running then (first time in a long while). Good running. Followed by half-assed abs (I really lack the proper technique) and less half-assed push-ups.
1 pm > Indian soup with noodles, veggies and chicken (I believe). Another apple. Multivitamin.
7 pm > Spaghetti with Bolognese sauce. Another apple I believe (they’re small apples).
Commentary : could have had a snack between lunch and dinner as I was really hungry (which is why I had dinner relatively early), but I had no food at home. Was somewhat hungry when I went to bed too. However, I didn’t once feel full like I usually do after a meal, and despite the fact that I hadn’t slept well I started the day with more energy than usual. Also, I’m sick of apples, must get other fruit.
