jlm420

I feel like I actually may die of loneliness. As odd as it sounds considering I live in Southern California, surrounded by people, I still very much feel completely alone. I wish my phone would ring, but I know it’s not going to, so there’s no point in me getting my hopes up.

I thought I had at least a few friends. I was wrong. 1 of them up and moved away without even telling me until after he had already left. 1 of them got drunk and started beating me up. (A very first for me.) The guy that I like, sorry, liked, does not like me and has made that abundantly clear to me. 1 of them is a severe alcoholic and just needs to be babysat. 1 of them is not interested in being my friend unless I pay for everything. So it looks like I don’t have any left now. I live with my parents but they are out of town for the week so I’ve been sitting here all by myself for days. I’m beyond lonely and it hurts like hell. On the plus side I have stopped crying for such long periods of time.

I already knew that I didn’t have very many friends, but it didn’t bother me too much. Now that I am unemployed, looking for work, and living with my parents, it is much more apparent to me. I just sit at home all day sending my resume to anywhere that has an opening even remotly close to what I can do. I’ve pretty much sent it to all of them. I haven’t been getting any good responses. I feel like I have no connection with anybody on this planet, and it’s killing me. I wish so badly that I had someone to tell my fears to, that wouldn’t judge me, or be thinking “Gee, this is the last time I want to hang out with her”. I cry all the time now. Anywhere from 3-10 times a day. It feels like the world is collapsing on top of me and I’m supposed to just stand there and smile throughout. It really hurts to have things hit your head, but nobody wants to, or has the time to listen to me whine about it. I have one friend that I’ve tried to talk to but every time he just starts telling me what I need to do, having no understanding of how hard those things would be. So I just smile for him now and tell him I’m doing much better. And here’s a good one I cam up with the other day: Nobody wants to be around me because I am depressed, but, I’m depressed because nobody wants to be around me. I’m screwed!