Joe

1. Call a meeting of the antagonists. Explain the purpose and the ground rules.

2. Write down each child’s feelings and concerns, and read them aloud.

3. Allow time for rebuttal.

4. Invite everyone to come up with solutions. Write down all ideas without evaluating.

5. Decide upon the solutions you can all live with.

6. Follow up.

Level I: Normal bickering

1. Ignore it. Think about something else.
2. Tell yourself the children are having an important experience in conflict resolution.

Level II: Situation heating up. Adult intervention might be helpful

1. Acknowledge their anger
“You two sound mad at each other!”

2. Reflect each child’s point of view
“So Sara, you want to keep on holding the puppy, because he’s just settled down in your arms. And you Billy, feel you’re entitled to a turn too.”

3. Describe the problem with respect
“That’s a tough one: two children and only one puppy.”

4. Express confidence in the children’s ability to find their own solution
“I have confidence that you two can work out a solution that’s fair to each of you…and fair to the puppy.”

5. Leave the room

Level III: situation possibly dangerous

1. Inquire
“Is this a play fight or a real fight?”

2. Let the children know
“Play fighting by mutual consent only.”

3. Respect your feelings
“You may be playing, but it’s too rough for me. You need to find another activity.”

Level IV: Situation definitely dangerous! Adult intervention necessary

1. Describe what you see
“I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other!”

2. Separate the children
“It’s not safe to be together. We must have a cooling-off period. Quick, you to your room, and you to yours!”

They do need…

...acceptance of their frustration:
“This isn’t easy. It can be frustrating”

...appreciation for what they have accomplished, however imperfect:
“You got a lot closer that time.”

...help in focusing on solutions:
“This is tough. What do you do in a case like this?”