johnste3

enjoyed three warm days in California.



I'm doing 24 things
 

How I did it
How to visit Iowa
It took me
2 days
It made me
Happy!


Recent entries
find love
abandoning hope...

After years of living in a love-free marriage i am coming to realize that i may never know the pleasure again. some days it doesn’t bother me and some days, like today, it tears at my soul.

the current edition of time magazine has a couple articles about marriage – and its first derivative love. it gives several reasons why people marry and love is not the biggest reason. funny.

when i ways young all that i wanted out of marriage was intimacy – and i don’t just mean sex. i mean to be fully intimate with heart and soul. to share myself completely with someone who’d accept and love the ‘me’ that i am. well, that didn’t happen.

my partner was/is highly judgmental and never accepted me for who i am and for 30 years my married life has been a big long lie. there is no closeness, there is no intimacy there are no shared dreams.

some days i wake up look over to the other side of the bed and just wish i were dead. life is so bleak, empty and pointless.

i remember love. i remember the feeling of caring for someone and being cared for. i remember aching to be near. now, all that i long for is the end of the pain.

i don’t hate my partner. it’s that there is no love. nothing. nothing. nothing.



write poetry (read all 18 entries…)
Robert Frost visits Fun City

When Frost said,
good fences
make good neighbors

it was not about
friendship
it was not

about kinship
it was about
being apart

about being alone
disconnected
absent from others

am i the only one
the only person
who understands this?

or do i just see
pain and despair
in every act?



Hug My Children (read all 14 entries…)
Mixed Day

My daughter is taking drawing classes at the Corcoran in Washington, DC. For 10 weeks she’ll be sketching “figures” at the school. “Figures” means she’ll be sketching naked men and women. She showed me her first work today: impressive.

My son brags on his Facebook page of smoking pot every day: wonderful. I have no confidence in anything he tells me and am fully confident he’ll flunk out of college by the Christmas holidays. Then what? Wish I knew. Hurts very badly to have him lie to me.

I am very close to my daughter and very distant to my son: pot rules his life.



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