jonsmom

Enjoying time with my son

After doing something I swore I would never do again, I am humiliated. I promised my self I wouldn’t get back with his father and I did. I cant say I did it just for my son I truly loved his father and I did desperately want a real family. Now I see its just not in the stars.
I cant go back, I wont be able to look my son or myself in the eyes if I do. Its not just about me,I have to be a person worthy of respect. If I don’t respect and value me then no one will. And one of us has got to be someone our son looks up to.
It took so much for him to burn this bring, lies lies and more lies. I cant say he ever really cared for me. Sad right? After being with someone for over 5 years meeting everyone in his family I cant say he really loved me. I am tired of trying to analyze him and his behaviors, the why is no longer a factor for me. Who cares why he did these things. Is there ever a good reason to cheat, lie, hurt and abandon you child and his mother? While I was living in a homeless shelter he was at home with her (I was no the wise). No one ever told me. Not that I expected them to but it still kinda stings. She new the hospital I gave birth at she said he meet her on the corner.
According to her the best time of there relationship was My Pregnancy and the funny thing is that was the worst time of our relationship. I always felt like he stole that away from me. I felt like I was in hell, I didn’t enjoy any of the 40 weeks I carried our son. I cried almost everyday, some-days I felt like I would be better off dead.
Shit hit the fan and now its all out in the open the lies, boy oh boy the lies.
Its scary how could you be with a person for so long and never know them? Or did I turn a blind eye? Did I see him for what I wanted him to be instead of who he is?
But does all this really matter? No, it happen you cant correct history, you can only use it to improve upon your present.
I will protect my son from any and everything. I wont allow anyone to hurt him not even his father. Until he gets his self right, I will not allow him to see our son. When he becomes a TRUE parent, then he will see our son. When he puts his son first, when he does the right thing even when its hard then he can see his son. When he tells the truth even when no-one would be the wiser then he can see his son. When he becomes the time of my our son can look up to, then and only then he can see his son.
Our child is not a play thing, not someone to but used only when its convenient. He is a boy, a real boy. Not a doll that can be tossed aside when you don’t feel like being bothered.

But I must say things have been coming along nicely, sense he has been out of my life. Yes I am hurt, but its like getting rid of a limb that has gangrene, you don’t miss the limb as it is, you miss what it used to be.

Purge its a good thing

I did it again, I fell in to the same BS he lied I believed him (because I wanted to) but once again the truth came out and this time he put the women befor his own son. I cried alot but now we move on (agian). I plan on telling my son he died, I want to spear my son the heart ache of a father not loving him (at least not the way a father should). I have felt this pain befor. I still deal with it wondering why my dad didnt love me, didnt check on me, broke promises. I want to spear him of this pain the feeling of emptyness