jooyoung

1. Drew a huge bunny on 36X48 paper, I then changed the bunny in tothe legs and torso of a huge giraffe. Then I added another sheet and made the giraffe’s neck and head and drew these awesome birds.
2. I kissed my boyfriend and watched TV with him and talked about human’s and our perception of light coming from above, even in visual images. I got sick and he took care of me. I threw up seven times (they don’t count as my 5 things.. or seven.. ahhh.)
3. I got to know my drawing professor better.
4. I read my new book, finished my old book and journaled.
5. I listen to Sea of Love by Cat Powers over and over again and relished in the feeling of being satiated.

I really do believe that the things that have happened to me are disapointing, and sometimes even tragic, but I have continued to let this go on for far too long.

Yes, when I was younger my life was hard, I was sexually abused as a child, raped multiple times, and abandoned by family. I didn’t know my birth parents until a couple of years ago and all of it, well it made my life a living hell.

But. I can’t continue living as though things can’t change. Because. They can. And I am no longer a little kid who was at the mercy of other people’s decision making.

Letting go of my feelings of helplessness will let me step into a new life where I have control over my life and my decisions.

I can’t always predict what will happen, but I know where there is a will there is a way. I am forgetting just how strong I am when I think of the world as a place that is “out to hurt me”.

The world is out to hurt me as much as it is out to help me. It is up to me to determine what is the best places to travel.live.explore, places that will helpe me grow a better sense of self-confidence.

I will never not acknowledge that life was once very hard or that things have hurt me and still may subconsciously affect my behavior, but to let these things affect my conscious behavior, that is a pity.

Because I have fought so hard to be a live, to be healthy and to be me.

SO even if I press the enter button and this post returns with a page saying error and a lose this letter, I need to start learning that I need to take that risk. I need to learn a new mantra that isn’t “this shit always happens to me”. Something that is a little bit more realistic, more positive that makes room for the possibility of disapointments but also makes room for success, triumph the pay off of hard work and parts of myself I have forgotten through the years of my victim hood.

thanks!

jooyoung

1. Arranged to see the doctor
2. Went to my appointment to talk about my stomach pain
3. Had a difficult talk with my partner
4. Voted for the democratic state primaries
5. Went to work and wrote down my repsonsibilities and reflected on my job.
6. Went to my meeting

You know that is alot, more than I give myself credit for. I feel as though I do nothing sometimes, heck I don’t even know how to reward myself for the good things I do.