after only five months, i just ended it with someone i thought i could be with for years. we were just in different places. he was the nicest man i ever dated, and i still think the world of him. i’m heartbroken that it didn’t work out, but i am determined to move on after a little recovery time.
after we both faced up to the reality of our imminent split, i went into the bathroom and cut my hair crazy short. like, crazy short. it was cathartic, but really my hair is too short now. i figure that by the time it grows out to a less shocking length, the weather will be a little warmer, the sun will be out more, and i will feel ready to go back to the dating game.
i registered with a volunteer legal service and took my first pro bono child custody case. it turned out to be rather complicated, so i am giving a ton of volunteer hours. it’s a lot of work, but these clients definitely really needed an attorney. it feels so great to make a difference!
i want to register with another volunteer legal referral service too. between the two of them, regular volunteering will be easy-peasy!
it’s steady but pretty low. i’m still barely making ends meet. next i need to focus on raising this steady income of mine.
after the bar exam, i went on okcupid and met a few guys. the third one i met turned out to be a total gem. we connected instantly and he is turning out to be the most compatible guy i have ever dated. i like everything about him – he’s smart, well read and articulate, creative, ambitious, emotionally mature (exceptionally so), silly, reflective, perceptive, and considerate. he’s probably one of the nicest guys i’ve ever met and a total weirdo-nerd. plus, he’s tall and cute. he’s a writer and a really good one, at that. amazingly, he actually thinks i’m gorgeous and tells me so all the time. i could go onandon, but i think i’ve made my point. i’m totally falling in love with him in a big way. we haven’t been dating long, though, so i’m trying to hold my emotional horses a bit. i mean, we met just a little over two months ago, but we talk every day and hang out several times every week so it feels like longer. since we both had our hearts broken recently, we have decided to be cautious and thoughtful about developing our relationship, but we both have really good feelings about each other. wow. what a lovely thing to grow close to someone over time. he is someone i can do this with. yay! <3
it was so intense. but after all that hard work i’m a real lawyer now. awesome.
while studying for the bar exam i would see 4am frequently. now that i’m working again and have to start my day early i might make it to bed by 2am. thank goodness my firm doesn’t care if i roll in at 1030 (they know i stay later).
still, as much as i like a nocturnal lifestyle, i’m not getting enough sleep and my tcm doctor insists that adjusting my sleep cycle with help balance me out.
so i’m going to keep trying.
it’s faded so much! i’m so relieved. just a little bit of cover up on a couple of blotches and it’s fine. it’s no longer crushing my self-esteem. completely makeup-free days are in my near future, i know it!
this last month i have been using m2 every night and sweetsation spf moisturizer which has some kojic acid in it. this last week i started using turmeric-honey masks every night too. turmeric acts as a skin lightener, kind of like hq but without all the cancer. i’ve seen some progress in the last week that i’m attributing to the turmeric.
this is really great.
750words is so great. it’s amazing, but not that surprising, how much the promise of an animal badge can motivate me to keep up this practice. i just did about 33 days in a row and got me an albatross badge. what a great bird!
plus, i really think that this practice helped me survive the essay portion of the bar exam. i’m sure the words flowed from brain to hand much quicker and easier after forcing myself to freewrite quickly and without distraction every morning for weeks. seriously.
it’s also great me-time. i let myself indulge in whatever mess in my head that wants articulation without reservation. i love this.
it’s a set part of my morning routine. i’m going to call this done! yay! thanks for the site, buster!
wow. what a monster of a test. on the first day, my computer wouldn’t start up in time and i had to handwrite six hours of essays. my hand was about to fall off by the end of it. day two was just a marathon of reading multiple choice questions. i can’t believe i did it. i feel like such a badass.
i actually might be done with the studying forever. i won’t know until october whether i passed or not. the handwriting slowed me down some and i didn’t finish all the essays, but i wrote at least something down for all but maybe two subquestions. overall, i felt more or less prepared, and that’s got to count for something.
in the meantime, i’m going to try to remember what it’s like to be normal and do normal people things. after ten weeks of lonely immersion into the dull minutia of law, i feel really out of touch with the world and myself.
(dare i say it?)
i might have done this.
i almost cried in public over it today, in the coffee shop where i was trying to study. trying. i was feeling too defeated and overwhelmed to get much accomplished until i vented and got a little pep talk from a friend. the rest of my afternoon and evening got a little more productive. i still have two weeks to pull everything together. it will be okay.
it will be okay. it will be okay. it will be okay. it will be okay. it will be okay. it will be okay. it will be okay. it will be okay. ... [infinity.]
i’m working on my second one. the first one i made regards relationships and the one i’m working on now concerns business & income.
i’m using gimp – a very free and actually decent open source version of photoshop. i recommend it. (it’s not as easy to use as photoshop but it’s similar enough and free so whatever!) i’m googling images i want, cutting and pasting and prettying them into layers on a main doc. soon it will be a jpeg for my desktop background!
it’s not quite done yet but it’s getting there. the more i add to it, the truer all the elements feel. it’s really satisfying to see all the images and symbols come together like this.
sea, sand, and tropical fruit;
her touch, an island.
i kind of don’t want to do it. i like being up late. but i want to be up early and i need more sleep in my life. blast! fine. i’ll shoot for one tonight.
my face is still splotchy but it’s still better. now that the more superficial sun spots have really faded, the more stubborn melasma spots are easier to identify. still, given that heat exacerbates and darkens melasma and it’s been breaking 100 humid degrees outside for the last few days, it seems that even the melasma splotches are on their way out. they would be raging otherwise, i’m sure. if their faint presence now is how they rage these days, i’m feeling hopeful. maybe when the summer heat dissipates in a few months the melasma splotches will follow suit.
now that i’m starting the third month with this treatment, i’m going to use it every night instead of every other night. maybe that will speed it up a little too.
i know it’s just an unpleasant means to a very much wanted end, but in the midst of these means i’m constantly tired, bored, stressed, and wishing i were someplace else doing something else. at least it will be over soon. i only have a few more new subjects to cover and then it’s just practice, practice, practice until test time.
suns fall into seas;
metallic roars of jet planes
fill robin-egg skies.
very soon, in august, i will have steady work for one year. that’s really great. really, really. but i need to make sure i’m set up for when my little firm job gets taken away. plus, the firm is hardly paying anything. i think the paralegals, who didn’t go to law school or spend two miserable months studying for the bar, will earn more than me. not that they do not deserve great pay, i’m just saying that i will not be pulling in the traditional lawyer salary. not yet.
so! i was thinking that i should get my freelance hustle on asap so that in one year’s time, i will already have some kind of set up to fall back on and maybe even earn a little extra in the shorter term.
i’m thinking that some sort of freelance writing/editing schtick could work. i could promote myself as a legal writer to law firms and solos looking for contract attorney work, but i can also reach out to grad students who need editors for their academic papers, professors or others needing research assistants, or even people working on more creative projects.
i like this freelance writer/editor idea because it is related enough to my legal career that i won’t feel like i’m losing focus, but it can also get me into more diverse and interesting work when the legal work just isn’t there or when i just need a break from it. i’ll need to keep brainstorming this idea out, but i feel good about it so far.
gratitude journaling has become a part of my life, and i am very grateful for it! i notice when a few days have passed without taking the time for it and i feel compelled to make the time for it. i look forward to recognizing and appreciating the lovely little and big things in my life that bring me happiness and growth. in fact, i think this practice was a significant reason this past winter was my least depressive winter in over a decade.
i don’t think i need to post my gratitude journal here anymore. the accountability i felt to this public forum was really helpful in forming the habit, but i think now i can continue on my own.
i also learned here that i journal much better on computer than on paper. it’s just the way that i run, i guess. so i started a private online journal on penzu. i love it there so far. it’s designed to be completely private and comes with most of the benefits of online chronicling. i wish it had more customizing features, but it seems to be still developing so maybe all my wishes for it will come true in time. it more than suits my needs for the purpose of journaling. i also debated signing up for “yo journal.” that one seemed pretty cool too but it had even less customization.
thanks to all who cheered this goal and its entries! i highly recommend the practice!
black tea is supposed to strengthen hair and help prevent excessive loss. perfect.
i started doing mostly black tea rinses instead of the vinegar rinses, and my hair looked and felt really great all week.
here’s what i’m going to try now:
castor oil massage – 1x/week; followed by baking soda wash and black tea rinse.
black tea rinses with rosemary and/or lavender eo or water only the rest of the week.
and maybe a vinegar rinse if i feel like my hair needs something else during the week.
hope the black tea rinses keep doing it for me.
i’ve heard sage tea is good for strengthening (and darkening) hair too. i’d like to try that but i want to see more of how my hair reacts to just the black tea for a little bit.
r.c. said i can borrow her window a.c. unit since her house has central air this summer. sooooo grateful!
wu’s been really irritated with me since i took her all sad and sick to the vet a few days ago, and now i dare to shove pills down her throat, but earlier tonight she deigned to sit next to me on the couch and let me pet her a little. maybe she’s starting to forgive me. maybe. i need to get those pill pocket treats. then maybe she’ll really start forgiving.
the person i noticed immediately upon walking into a bar tonight ended up hitting on me a little. i love it when the person you find attractive in the room actually thinks you’re attractive too. it gave me a much needed boost in self-esteem and general sanity. life has been feeling irritatingly oppressive and lonely lately. it was nice to flirt a little and feel like a human again for a spell. there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
the salon offered me an art show! so excited!
it’s going to cool down a little for the next few days. just enough time for me to get that ac unit i hope!