“Psychologists are trained to heal…” (113)
“It’s as if, like Eleanor Roosevelt, they can’t help but feel what others feel.” (138)
After reading this book I came to appreciate the good qualities of being an introvert.
Yes I decided to try an online dating website. So far I’m not sure how it is going to go. It seems just like real life: I’m not attracted to the guys who are attracted to me and the guys I’m attracted to aren’t attracted to me. Le sigh. What am I doing wrong?
There’s this really attractive guy I came across. His profile made my heart flutter so I decided to message him. And he’s been online since then and didn’t respond and I don’t know if he ever will or not. I just gah hate myself. I hope I haven’t failed with him.
I hope there will be more people that will be interesting. Sadface.
Planning to go to Florida this summer with one of my best friends. I have never been and I have been wanting to go my whole life!!!
Finished Sybil Exposed: The Extraordinary Story Behind the Famous Multiple Personality Case by Debbie Nathan. It was an okay book. I am glad it has made me question and WHY it has made me question the existence of multiple personality disorder. The interaction between a society and an individual is incredible. Sybil, or Shirley Mason, was an individual. And once her case, which may or may not be true, was known many more people were diagnosed with MPD. But is the disorder the result of drugs? Or pernicious anemia? I am disappointed in the book that I feel I will never know whether MPD is an actual disorder or not and if anything about Sybil/Shirley’s case was true.
Ironically, I just finished Columbine last night. I had started it this summer and finally finished it. Definitely an eye opening book. Now that the fall semester is over, I can take a month to try to read more. I’m so excited because I was recently introduced to basically a networking website for books. I’m finding all these books that I have read in the past and books I want to read in the future. A good way to organize my virtual library. Must read more! I feel inspired to read more!
I’m not used to seeking people out. I’m not used to even letting myself like anyone. I started liking a guy. I couldn’t believe it. I surprised myself. I guess it was more being physically attracted to someone though. It takes a lot for me to be attracted to someone. And he is just gorgeous. But anyway, I got the impression his best friend liked me. I got that impression before I full out started liking the guy. I finally hung out with the guy that liked me, just the two of us. I asked him if he wanted to be more than friends. He said that was the intention. I told him I just wanted to be friends. He asked if I was interested in his best friend. I said yes. He forced me to tell his friend that I liked him. Gah. So I did because I didn’t think I would ever have the courage to do so. This probably wasn’t the best choice, looking back. I feel so embarrassed. Especially after he officially told me he wasn’t looking to be in a relationship. And I feel bad for making it seem like I was forcing it on him. Because true, good relationships take time. And I wasn’t asking to be in a relationship. I was just asking if he would be interested in going on a date. But I guess I didn’t say that. But he had his best friend to consider. In terms of relationships taking time, I wonder what the guy who liked me was really interested in. It seemed to move way too fast for me. Does that mean he was just looking for sex? Because there is no way he could expect me to just jump into a relationship with him without even knowing him. And then that makes me think that is what I did to the guy I like. And I feel soooo bad. And then I feel hopeful that I will be able to smooth things over with both of them to be friends with both of them in the hopes that something could happen. Which is so unrealistic. Either way, I put myself out there and got rejected. I need a new approach. But gah nothing ever works out.
I’m attempting to learn to sing a song in Chinese. Tian hei hei. And therefore try to learn what the lyrics mean as well as sing them.
This was a fail. I obviously do not care about reading this book. I’m not going to spend my last days of summer trying to accomplish this. Perhaps another time.
I finished “Think Twice” yesterday. The ending was so cheesy! The last line of the book was the dog barking. Really? It was pretty good overall. I was expecting more of a bang but the author pulled off an okay story. Time to read Columbine!
Did an speed interviewing thing last night. I was very intimidated by the interviewers. I do not feel like I did well at all. I never know how to answer questions on the spot. I always need time to think about it. But that is what I should do—take a deep breath and at least ten seconds to just think about what the question is that they are asking me. I need to take this time to reflect on what I can change. I need to be more confident. I need to think about how I could make myself stand out when interviewing for a job. And really focus on the words I am using. Vocabulary that sounds more intelligent. I really need to think about the questions that are being asked and how I can give a specific example. And think about my accomplishments. I am afraid I do not have any accomplishments. How to convince someone that I am the perfect candidate. Be more firm in my words. How can I put this all on paper for my weekly journal?
My best friend spent the night last night and it was truly awesome! She is so loud and obnoxious but will all her little sayings she made me laugh quite a lot. Ah, sick! I ain’t even mad! At work yesterday, my manager mentioned how I was leaving, and I told him I had an internship with a social services place, and he said “it takes a special person to do that.” So I guess I should take that as a compliment. I enjoyed talking with my foreign friend. I am glad we have psychology in common and can talk to each other about things. My relationship with her is much different than it is with my friend from home. My relationship with my foreign friend is much more serious and academic but she is still hilarious and we still laugh together. I am lucky to have her as a friend. I enjoyed reading my book, which is very creepy by the way. And then I wrote. Wrote about the pain I have been feeling for years. And I just cried. I needed that. I needed to write. I still need to write and accomplish something from it. The best part of the day though was talking with my two best guy friends. I am grateful that with one of them I can talk to him about pretty much anything. As for the other guy friend, he was very sweet last night. He is very intent on getting to know me and I am very afraid to let him in because I don’t know if he could accept me for the things I have done and the person I am because of it. I told him that I am afraid to talk to him about sex, which is very most of problems lie. And he said he felt the same way. And I told him that I find him attractive. He said, he finds me good looking as well. He said my I have a pretty smile and that made me blush. And that I should smile more. And that I am a good person. And he has such gorgeous eyes. I haven’t seen eyes like that in a long ass time.
The good of the last two days. Someone at work had an Aladdin check. That made me squee! There’s also this guy at work who has checked me out several times. And just seeing him makes me feel a bit happy inside. And I do appreciate it when customers help bag their own groceries. One of my coworkers gave me a very nice compliment. She heard about me leaving soon and she said that she was going to miss me. That was very kind of her to me and made me smile on the inside since I had way to many things to think about when she said it. Late last night, I was working on my weekly progress report for my internship and it felt good to just express all the things that have been bothering me about it. I shared it with my friend and he told me the things I did good with my writing, which I appreciated. So I am a good writer. I must believe that. Then I let him read my 8 page memoir and he really liked it. He said it was powerful, incredible, and one of the most well written things he has read. He said he would buy it if I ever published it and he is encouraging me to write more. Perhaps I should. I always think the most complex, emotional thoughts at night when I am too tired to write it down. Even though I am doing that this very moment. Then today. I went shopping with my sister and my best friend. It was good to just get out. I got some pretty earrings for just $5! I wore my “Don’t B H8n on the Homos” shirt today. And my best friend gave me a high five because of it. <3 The best part was seeing the puppies at the pet store. I got to hold this gorgeous black and white mini schnauzer that looked like a cow! She was so cute. And the golden retriever! And listening to the Addams Family musical on the ride back. I loved the trumpet in the one song. So Latin sounding and sexy. Then finding good deals on old music. Got the Tarzan soundtrack for a buck!
I always mention the good things that happen to me, but I think I should focus on the things that I do for others that is good. I believe that is what will make me happy and feel better about myself.
Today was good! A couple good things happened. My sister got her driver’s license! I am so proud of her! The next good thing, I got to make three phone calls to clients in Spanish at my internship today!! I was so proud of myself. I have never done that. And the caseworker who was helping me with that, after I explain to her how my supervisor isn’t really helping me or giving me anything to do, she responded with eagerness and willingness to help make my last four weeks more fun by letting me do phone calls like that, going on visits with her, and assessing clients. I should have been doing this weeks ago! Then I went on some home visits with another caseworker and I appreciate her allowing me to come with her and the patients for feeling comfortable around me. Then this evening I hung out with my best friend from elementary school. It was fun to talk about being atheists. And reminiscing about old times. Like how we had “the talk” in elementary school and the class was separated into boys and girls and how nowadays, they will probably be giving out condoms to that age group, not deodorant and sad this is. Nobody treats sex like it is something special anymore. The only ironic thing was that she talks about her boyfriend a lot. And the reason we stopped being friends almost 6 years ago was because I was always depressed, obsessing over a boy I couldn’t have.
I was at my internship today. I was totally dreading it. But then I was thrown into making phone calls to some clients. And I had to speak Spanish. I made three phone calls in Spanish!! I was/am so proud of myself!! And the callers appeared to understand me. Of course, I had help from the translator but I still did it!
I finished Everyone She Loved awhile ago. Just finished The Woman Who Can’t Forget yesterday. The latter was pretty good. I could relate to it when she talked of therapy and not being able to forget horrible memories. I hope to start Think Twice tomorrow, maybe Friday. Le sigh.
Yesterday my orthodontist reminded me of her love for me and that she loves I read books. That made me feel good about myself. I also got an email from school asking me to be apply for a tutor position for psychology/statistics. That made me feel worthy, intelligent. The joys of today-I finished my book; the last 45 pages were very good. One of the students in the English class said my Spanish pronunciation was good. YAY!! It was good to realize what’s been really bothering me-that I haven’t had a social life for the past month and a half and now I can try to fix it. Knowing that one of my best friends is willing to stand up for gay rights. And hearing the transition into the chorus, two and a half minutes into the song “Bruised” by the Bens. The drums. That is all.
Went to the orthodontist today. I have known her for seven years now and she gave me a compliment that made me feel good. I never fail to bring a book to her office and she never fails to look at what I am reading. I said this to her and her reply was “That is one of the many things I love about you.” That just warmed my heart. She has always thought very highly of me and I was reminded of that today. Thank you!
Just thinking of playing the piano to songs I know, makes me feel happy. Le sigh. I really wish we had a piano.
