i don’t know how long it’s been, but i feel like i have pick my face for what seems to be forever. The thing is, i remember in elementary and jr high school i always was proud of my hair and skin, i never broke out. But something happened, even though i never had zits, i felt like i did, and i feel like i do! i mean i am constantly sitting in front of the mirror, not admiring myself, but rather hating myself and just rubbing my fingers over my face feeling for possible white heads or bumps or i don’t know, anything i can squeeze, usually all i get is oil and blood, then it heels, to a scab, and i pick it again, sometimes it hurts or just bothers me until i can’t stand it i could be watching a movie or even in class in the middle of an exam, i will excuse myself and hurry to the bathroom to just feel for whatever it is stirring in my pores…
the funny thing is i almost enjoy the sensation while puncturing my face with a needle or my nails (that i finally stopped biting)then when its over i want to cry, not because of the pain, but because of how hideous i have made my face look.
i just moved from america to dubai so my husband could work, and i just got a job as a makeup artist with mac, i mean god, i don’t want to scare anyone away! i want clients who can trust me,how can they when i look like i have acne… tonight i was invited to a birthday party in the burj al arab, the big building that is shaped like a sail, this is a big deal i am supposed to look really nice, but this morning and last night i told myself no, don’t pick at you face, don’t do it, and still, my magnet hands go straight for my face!!!!
right now i am protecting myf ace with olive oil infused vasiline stuff, cause i think i dried it out by washing my face like 3 times a day with clinique 3 step anti acne solution, haha the thing is i don’t think i have acne, i just feel like i do…
do i make sense?
is it stress, is it insecurities, is it ocd?
what the hell?