just_floating

Fat
Why?
Bleeding on the inside
Can’t deal with this.
Why me?
Need to change
Must be perfect
Love
Need it
Need to be able to feel again
Need at least a 3 day fast
Stomach needs to shirnk
Lard ass
Needs to die
And hurt
And feel
Scars-that will never heal
Memories that will never fade
Undesired touches that still linger on my flesh
Lost
Confused
Am I attractive as he says?
Or the fat pig I see looking back at me?
120
120
120
120
120
That is perfection
Thats what i need
It will heal the hurts
And the momories fade
I just want to be happy
And i will be happy
When i am happy and skinny

They wouldn’t understand
They’d say, just eat and itll be all better
And then theyd make me, and i would die inside

They couldnt understand
They havent been through this
And they wouldn’t get it

They shouldn’t understand
I dont want them to feel this pain, this hurt
And i dont want them to suffer like me

They dont understand
They try to
And it doesnt help

Hes hurt
I cause pain
I dont want to
That is never my intention
So i hurt myself for hurting him
And that makes it worse
I am lost
I dont know what to do
Or how to deal with this
I feel so many things
And yet nothing at all

When i look into the mirror
And see that fat cow looking back at me
I just want to get rid of her
So i destroy the mirror
And then when I look into the water
I see IT again
That fat piece of lard
So i thorw a pebble at the water
And watch the ripples take her away
But
When I look down
And see the lard on my skin
There is nothing i can hit
Nothing i can throw
To make it go away
So i lie down
Cry
And wish to die…

Torn
Between two feelings
To hurt him and love myself
Or
To hate myself and make him happy
Its a hard decision
I love him so much
And yet
I have never known what it is like
To love myself
To make him happy
I would have to remain the huge lard ass that I am
But
To make myself happy
I would starve and restrict until I was perfect
I dont know who to please

sorry

I fasted for 3 days
lost 3 pounds
then ate like a pig today
went out to eat
purged
and bought reduced calorie ice cream
and ate about 210 calories of that
so i dont know how i feel

less fat i think
dan says ive gotten lighter
i dnt feel it
i just hope i get to 120 pounds
then ill be happy
i promise

not feeling too great
i ate quite a bit
i purged up pizza and cookie
and then figgited a lot
and then had chicken fries
and figgetied a LOT more
and then had a salmon sandwich
and purged that
and did crunches
and hip raises
and candles
all all sorts of other stuff
but i still feel like shit
....

blahh
i hate being fat
one day….