justinpocta

it’s been six years….and i’m here. one final semester. one final class. i can taste it! :)

i like the end of the year for its usefulness in dividing up my erratic and hectic life. to me, it is like having a box full of items i have collected over time, memories i’ve unexpectedly and excitedly gathered. i glean through most of it, picking the times that stuck out most, the times that mattered to me; hard times and simple times. the fond, the friendly, the flustered and frustrating. i evaluate the triumphs, all my endless screw ups that quickly shut any pride up or hilarious self-importance. there is probably an awful lot i missed, lessons i didn’t see, encouragement or problems i didn’t know about.

so, how did it come out, this soon-to-end year of two thousand seven? i’m having trouble deciding what to actually write. it surprises me how much happened this one year.

some great things that happened this year, about which i have mostly already written: i went to new orleans during spring break and learned a lot. my younger brother got married and i gained a sister. i worked in dallas as an intern at a design studio and got to see some of the industry, figuring out what i want, what i don’t want, a little more of what to be looking for. i struggled in school (a shocker, i know), but i passed this semester and have finally gotten to my final class before i graduate. i played in a flag football league and learned i suck at sports pretty badly (but i have heart, ha). uhhh…i am sure more happened, but those are some main ones.

i think i can say that this year can definitely be defined by change.

one of the most important and valuable things i have been a part of happened through the second half of the year. i moved to a neighborhood with a group of friends with the specific purpose of learning how God would work in the context of community, to see what it looks like to begin tearing down barriers i’ve built and known so long about what life should/could look like, to learn how to love in a practical and communal way. this change has allowed me to enjoy fellowship amongst my brothers and sisters in Christ in a different way than i’ve ever gotten to see. i remember how difficult adolescence was because no one my age, including myself, seemed to know what community was or how community could work. then and even in older folks, i see such a self-centered lifestyle and mindset. this creates a large disconnect amongst people which brings about a loneliness that can’t find seem to resolve in such a way of life. i’d grown up reserved and inside my head. i’d grown up solving problems on my own and trying to find a way to live as a Christian on my own, which was an oxymoron.

when i left for college at north texas, i joined a small group. i began finding out that deeper honesty and relationships could be experienced amongst a group. it was a step deeper into fellowship and sincerity i hadn’t expected to see. after so long, i found myself coming out of my introverted shell and realizing what could be had. i was deeply encouraged by it all.

however, there remained that disconnect. we met once a week as a group and during church services, but outside of that we had trouble being involved in one another’s lives. i was entering into a program that began to put another challenge in my way and they were busy, too. we’d talk about plans, goals, ongoings in our weeks, but it always stayed as just basic understandings about what others experienced, and never seemed to go much further. recently, i find that talk and thinking only goes so far. there comes a time where walking and living must begin. doctrine and ideologies get old and worthless when they don’t ever apply.

so after so many years on my own, a chance came up to move into a neighborhood with other Christians. it has been a challenge, it has been a blessing, it has been a joy, it has been frustrating, it has been real. we’ve found that all of us have such different gifts, personalities, roles, purposes, and directions in life. it is truly beautiful.

when we started, we didn’t know how anything was going to work, how relationships would start, how anything should be done. we began meeting weekly, which meant walking across the street or upstairs. we discuss what we’ve seen, we pray, we laugh, we learn from one another, we are encouraged through Scripture. in a short time, we began to meet our neighbors. there have been language barriers, as this is a widely hispanic neighborhood, but a couple people from our group are pretty good speakers. we have gotten to know their kids, mostly. several of them had started going to church with us and are such a blessing to us. i can say that it is nothing we did, but only fruit God provided.

we don’t have answers, we are not perfect by any means. if anything, i find myself humbled day by day at all of the mistakes, all of my shortcomings, all of my selfishness. i’m not special. i’m here because i don’t know what i’m doing. i’m here because i want to learn and grow. and i have, but only because God has been faithful again and again to teach me and lead me.

+

it has been a long, hard, amazing year. i have learned to step out more, becoming more willing to take risks that are worth stepping out for. i’m still searching, reaching, fighting, learning. i’m doing my best to let go of my control, to be open and willing to go where i am called, to do what i am made to do, and to love my friends, my neighbors, my family, and most importantly the Lord who has made all these things and provided, despite myself. i am thrilled to begin another year. life has been so good and as i move out into the world, i look forward to seeing what happens.

spring break, 2007.

so, i learned a lot over a short time, still sorta churning over it all.

what i saw was that new orleans is still devastated. i don’t watch the news much, so i don’t know if the media covers it much anymore. i don’t know if it’d do much good. it’s hard to wrap your mind around it…even after seeing it. i saw the 9th ward and where there was once block after block of houses. now only fields remain in many parts. some blocks had more houses than others, some blocks had none. i assumed i’d seen what the 9th ward was like earlier in the week—houses that had roofs collapsed in, windows shattered, doors boarded over, spray paint marking down who had died, how many had been taken away by the storm. i didn’t expect to see worse. street after street of total destruction. it was an awful sight. in many places life has tried to move on, but there are reminders everywhere you look. the 9th ward was far worse, stripped bare with only a small share of people who have dared to return.

the start of the trip seemed good. we listened to some really good music on the way and had a great time. but many of the people in my group felt the same as i did, though it went unsaid at first. we weren’t ready for the week. school this semester has been heavy and i’ve found myself disconnected from God, from friends at church, from my community group, from my roommates. so much is going on that it is hard to remember why i’m alive…i just focus on what needs done right now. i think that a lot of us on the trip had that trouble, so by the time spring break arrived, we had forgotten what our mission was….and that is sort of important if you’re on a mission trip. (and every day, really, since purpose exists outside of short term trips, ya know).

after it was pointed out and we just got honest with ourselves, we knew that change was needed. we’d put money into this trip, we’d traveled out there, and we’d agreed to serve. but a mission trip is more than just physical labor. anyone can do that and in the end, physical labor is nothing, really. as christians, we have work to do that extends beyond the physical, something that has a permanent value, an eternal significance. a really beautiful thing about serving and fixing up houses and inanimate things is that this is a powerful image of who we all are inside. we’re a wreck…an absolute wreck. inside, we are dead spiritually. our hearts have no interest in God. he means nothing to us because we are so self absorbed. oprah might tell us that we should just better ourselves. america would say to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and fix the problem. that’s what we might have done if left on our own….but God has revealed something to us…

we couldn’t change our hearts. we couldn’t make ourselves care about the work we had in front of us. we couldn’t make ourselves love the people we would meet. we were broken down and shown that we had nothing to offer God but our weakness. it is a funny thing because this is a blessing: to know that you are utterly helpless, completely depraved. that is exactly why i am a Christian. i have been shown my sin, my broken heart, my emptiness.

so, this is what we did. we prayed. the next day, we did the same. and the next. and the next. every day, we realized that we didn’t care the way we should. we didn’t want to do it or we thought we were going to just do it all on our own. again and again, God showed us that we couldn’t…he showed us that we were in the wrong with our hearts….and then reminded us of his grace. grace is God providing for everything we lack. he didn’t have to, but he chose to be faithful to us so many times despite ourselves. he gave us the hearts we needed, the words we didn’t know, the courage we lacked, the love we couldn’t force, the focus we didn’t have. we asked and he answered. this is what Christians have in Jesus Christ, who is God manifested in the flesh in order to take our sins upon Himself and to give us His perfect life. this is mercy because we were so completely undeserving. as we enjoyed his gifts, we had reminders of what this Gospel, the good news we have to preach, is about—knowing God, loving God, enjoying God, trusting God, living for God, and making Him known.

i’ve come back and already struggle to remember and believe and rest in the trust i have seen in the Lord. knowing that i forget so often and seeing that my brothers and sisters in Christ have the same struggle, i feel called out to fellowship, to make time (some how, some way, any way i can) to meet with them, to encourage them, to listen to them and most importantly, to pray FOR and WITH them. this is soooo vital. i’ve been learning a lot about prayer and it must be applied. i want to pray with my roommates, i want to have time to meet with my brothers and sisters more….i’ve never been good at all this, but i want it. i need it. school is hard to deal with because i want to enjoy these things sooooo much more. this is only something more i get to pray about and wait to see how God will answer.

praise God for the truth that he has given us through Christ, that he allows us to perceive by his Holy Spirit, that he has enabled us to enjoy with grateful hearts.

taste and see. the Lord is good.