Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease, by Caldwell B Esselstyn
Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease, by Caldwell B Esselstyn
We were unhappy. My mom died. I felt alone and unsupported… again. I saw a counselor just so I could have someone that wanted to talk with me. We talked about my mom. We talked about my relationship. And she asked me to picture what it would be like to have a happy and healthy relationship, what it looked like for me, what I wanted. And after so long believing in us I finally felt like that was never going to happen. After over five years with a few breaks, he was never going to become more intimate. He was never going to want to spend time with me. He was never going to come home, and smile at seeing me there. Ultimately, he was never going to be happy. I finally lost hope… that he was ever going to be happy with me.
So I left him. And tried so hard to move on. I moved out. I kept myself as busy as possible. I started dating someone else almost immediately. I felt secure that we did not work before, that it was not going to work now, and that I was going to be happier elsewhere.
The semester ended. I got less busy. I had to pack up his things, and face the fact that I still had feelings for him. I told him so. I asked him out. He told me no. I cried, so much. But he was dating someone else. I had tried, and he was just happier with her. The guy I had been dating expressed how serious he was. What did I have to lose? I had been happy enough dating him that semester, when I had time. He was interested in me. He was engaged. He was a good guy. I cared about him. His family seemed to actually like me. I told him I was willing to be more committed. I had a short time where I looked at him, and thought that we could really be happy together. My ex didn’t want me, but this guy did. And I could make him happy. He was noticeably happy to just be in my presence.
And my ex contacted me saying he was leaving his girlfriend for me. I choked. It was confusing. It was exactly what I wanted, but it didn’t feel good. I was scared. He was dropping this other girl like she meant nothing to him. I didn’t understand where this was coming from. I thought he was over me. Could it actually work? Could I withstand the pain it if it didn’t? What about the other guy? I just told him I would commit. What would it make me to back out so soon? None of it was meaningless for me. I felt stuck. I had to go to work and the conversation was paused. When I got off work he refused to talk to me, said it was a huge mistake, and that he was going back to his new girl. I drove all the way to his apartment complex and asked him to come talk to me, and he refused. He refused. Like he always refused to talk to me. He just shut me out all over again.
It took a week to get rid of the stuck feeling. I was talking to someone else, and he asked me what I would do if there was no right and wrong. And that made it easy, I could choose him, without any hesitation at all. And then all the breaks, all the shitty things we said and did to each other, didn’t matter. I just wanted to try. And I attempted to put all of my feelings into an email for him, and I couldn’t get it out right. It didn’t seem like it said everything I wanted it to. I felt like nothing I could say would make it right. And then he posted a picture of him and his new girlfriend online… and he was smiling. And I couldn’t do it. I was tired of being his homewrecker. I wanted him to be happy. And he had never posted a picture of us together online, in all of the five and a half years we were together, let alone a single picture where he was smiling at the camera. He did more for her in a month than he did in half a decade for me. If he’s found happiness, then he needs to stay there. I couldn’t contact him. A few weeks later I broke down and tried to text him, and he never responded. It just cemented the feeling that I needed to just leave him alone. I have. I couldn’t even muster the guts to ask him back for my house keys until almost four months after that last conversation.
But that last conversation kind of ruined everything. I was stuck with those feelings, unable to put it behind… what, a wall of denial maybe, anymore. I could never say no to him, because it would always, always come back to yes. No matter how upset I got. And in the end I had to break that commitment to the other guy, because I couldn’t date him knowing that he had come in second. It didn’t seem fair to him.
So, months go by. And I’m still thinking about this. I can’t seem to get all of the horrible shit to the forefront of my mind anymore. I forgive him. I want him to be happy. I can’t contact him, he doesn’t want me to. He’ll never know about what happened on my end. And I guess that’s okay, if it works for him. But how the fuck do I get out of this? Over it? Dating someone else doesn’t make me stop loving him. I’ve tried. It was unhealthy, and bad for both of us. I know that. I think I’m damaged, emotionally, after being in it. I can’t seem to let go of him, even though he’s definitely let go of me. I can’t seem to just put it out of my head. It’s interfering with my life.
I know it’s unhealthy to hang on like this. I signed myself up with a therapist in hopes that it would help. But so far it just isn’t going anywhere.
Do I just start taking an antidepressant? I’m pretty much there, to be honest. What else can I do?
A Dance with Dragons, by George R.R. Martin
I can’t even find the book. Where in the world is it? Hard to complete when that’s missing :P
It’s really not a big deal, and it shouldn’t be a problem at all. Every time I get too tired I slip, though. I completely forgot last week in the middle of working a double and accepted a tiny cupcake and marshmallow, and then today some ice cream kept me running when the 3hrs of sleep wasn’t doing the job.
I’ll just keep starting until I finish.
30 Rock (reruns)
We can’t stop birthdays or random celebrations, and who would want to? I’ll just have to have an extra drink while everyone else is having cake. March is the month. Here we go.
Parks and Recreation
Grilled salmon with lemon butter, steamed broccoli, jasmine herbed rice. Mint oreo milkshake.
This is kind of cheating because it’s a school laptop that I am required to have… but it’s new, it’s definitely an upgrade, and it plays a lot of the games I like, so I’m counting it!
Wanted hot chocolate with marshmallows. Had a caeasar salad instead.
I’m sure the dressing had some sugar in it, but it’s strange that a sugar craving could be sated by something else. Maybe it’s just my body’s way of telling me it’s hungry…
I didn’t complete my personal challenge for two weeks, so I am doing a month without any real desserts as a consequence. I started on the 7th, and I’ve yet to even notice it.
Settler’s of Catan