kaylarobertson

I had a bit of a reminder of how short life is…and how much of it I waste. Mainly on worrying and over-analyzing. So what really matters?

I want to help people. I want to change someones world. I want to KNOW that I’m okay inside. I want to be kind and stop hurt in as many people as I can. I want to work towards these goals and not push them aside. I want people to remember me and say “what a wonderful loving girl who tried with all her soul”. I want to share my life with someone who’s truly passionate for me. I want to love every morning. I will accept no less. THAT’S what matters.

I know that I’ve made progress; I don’t ask for as much reassurance but I’m here today specifically because I’m struggling and this is a source of wealth for me. Big time. Just being here makes me feel better and I’m proud of myself for recognizing that and putting it to work. Also, I kind of…it reminded me that progress is slow and takes time. I should be proud of what I have more than I worry about what isn’t. I have learned to embrace uncertainty a bit more. I wish I had listened more as a kid when my parents said “you just take care of you” when I whined about some grave injustice done to me (usually my sister undressing my favorite barbie doll).

I know that I still…I haven’t drawn the circles apart the way I’d like to. Jon and I spend almost every free second together and I love it that way because he’s under my control. That sounds sick but at least I can admit it. I’m working on it. I DO do better about saying “ya know, I think I’ll stay here while you go work on hw. I’d rather watch tv”. Holy hell. Is that the same Kayla I used to know who would make ANY sacrifice to spend 5 more minutes with her partner?! Small. steps.

Last night I panicked a bit. There was some reference on TV to a couple who was brought together by the fact that he’s unemployed and “doesn’t have his life together”. It makes her feel needed to try to fix him which is how their relationship survives. I worked DAMN hard to challenge that statement about Jon and I because, of course, the second I heard it I went “oh my god. is that why hes attracted to me? Thats so unhealthy…is that why we’re together?”. I found some opposing evidence and some that supports this theory (well, not evidence, speculation and logical thought). BUT wouldn’t my time be much better spent working on fixing myself than worrying if thats why hes around?

Its just been a rough day. I’m really emotional and near tears a lot. I’m gonna go ahead and blame Aunt Flo but it’s still annoying. Need to bring it back home and refocus my attention. Every day. Every single day. I need to live as I want to, keep in mind that uncertainty is okay, and be proud of where I’m headed.

I’m PROUD of..
1) working to normalize myself
2) working on my paper
3) thinking about more than Jon
4) being friendly and helping others
5) knowing that these are good habits that I need to work to keep up
6) working to get past being jealous of Kelly
7) choosing juice over pop

3 things I’m not proud of and would like to change….
1) snapping at Katie- try seeing from her P.O.V and just use kinder words
2) wanting so desperately for things to go my way- accept that the universe offers variety and work to be okay with it.
3) trying to avoid thinking today- girl, keep your head in it. Don’t just float. Work on being what you want to be.

Tomorrow my goal is to just be more thoughtful and mindful. Everything should be a decision- not a reaction. And actions should reflect goals.