kelliann1

Patience from time to time goes bye bye with me. Still. But for the most part, what’s helped me keep my patience in other trying times, is remembering….this is only a moment in time. Life will go on. There are things that I want, and lord knows, I want them/it right now! But what helps me get through it is saying, it’s only a moment in time. It won’t last forever like this, it will get better. (this is what I say, when things aren’t going the way or as fast as I’d like them to) But also, what helps with the patience, with my girls, is remembering, they are just kids being kids. I still lose it sometimes, but I do realize they are just little girls. I have a 6yr old and an almost 4yr old. Both try my patience, but both are wonderful little girls, and I am so blessed to be their mom!

So. I have been the most honest with myself in the last year and 3 months. I asked for a divorce august of 08, because I was done lying to myself, thinking it was all in my head, things that had to do with my ex. We are remaining friends, or trying hard to, for our daughters sake.

I decided that I needed to push myself to just be honest with people about how I feel, and not lie anymore. One of the biggest things, was telling a man, I’ve grown to care a great deal about in the last 11months, is that I’m in love with him. And also being honest with oneself, I need to let go of him. I need to move on. I have learned a great deal about him, and I do, I love this man, more than a lot in my life. I have put him above me, which I swore I’d never do again.

I have decided that even though, who knows really what he feels for me, because he can’t be honest with himself, or tell anyone for that matter how he really feels, I need to put myself first now, and stop going to him, the moment I hear from him. I need to stop feeling so much for him. I need to put God first, and that is a hard thing for me to do.

I believe in God, and love him dearly, but have never read the bible, and also was out of the church scene for 18 years. I have recently, as of August this year, started going, and enjoy it immensly. I am very happy, much more than I was for awhile this year, by doing so. I pray more, and believe in and have faith in Him more and more each day, and it’s become very apparent that it’s true to me, he does exist. This man I fell in love with, he’s the one who got me to go back to church.

I’ve decided in my life, I need to stop putting him before god. And it is a tough lesson for me. I don’t want to give up on this man, for fear he does really care for me, and thinks that everyone gives up on him, and then here I am saying I won’t leave, I won’t give up on him, when in fact I am having to force myself to do just that. I am torn up about it!

But back to the point of this. I push myself each and every day to face the fear of anger, fear, critism, everything, to just be honest with myself, and anyone else, because it’s better to be honest, and face the fears head on, than to push them aside, and hide behind things, just so you don’t have to deal with them, because they will come back to haunt you. And they will bite you in the ass for sure. Learned too many times in the past about that. And, the stress from it! I am much more relaxed facing them headon, than I was hiding how I felt and saying what I felt. I also live life with no regrets. That helps me push past my fears. I don’t want to live regretting not saying something, or doing something. So I push past it, and move on.

In this instance, I’m having to face my fear of losing him forever, which I never had him really, to begin with, and live life without him. When your heart is given freely to someone, and they don’t feel that way for you, it is a crushing feeling. But I am taking it one day at a time, to get past it, and become strong again, and confident in myself. I need to stop searching for love, and just wait for it to come find me. And that is by far, the hardest thing to do….

I was writing this earlier, and forgot, got busy with something else, go figure. Anyways, I was writing that just after the new year was the last time I wrote on this goal. I weighed myself yesterday morning, and was 141.5. I am 1.5 lbs from my goal, and .5 lbs from this goal. I wanted to get to 140. I’m happy where I’m at right now, so it’s okay that I’ve yo-yo’ed for the last 6 weeks between 140.5 and 144. I’m right there, and I know I am, and am okay with it. I’m considering this goal done. Thank you all! IT IS SO WORTH IT!:D Now on to getting toned. That’s my goal for this year!:D Good luck everyone!:D