kelliemcb

Hi. I used to write big, involved entries about moving to New York, but it just dissovled in front of me. But I still am longing to go, and now…this girl/friend/frenemy I went to high school with is moving there to study theatre. I am happy for her her, truly. But I am also very jealous she is living the life I wanted for myself. Emphasis on the word wanted. I don’t want to be that starving artist type, trying to get my name in lights. That is not on my priority list anymore. But I do want to move, of course. I guess I am most jealous of the fact that she, a girl very much like myself, is following through with a huge goal, and I have never followed through with any of my dreams. That makes me sad.

I turned down the promotion at work. It really got me thinking about my priorities and true life goals. Sadly, I have somewhat decided that moving to New York right now could really jeopordize other goals in my life, which are honestly, more important. Finishing my degree being the top one.

Now I plan to finish my degree and maybe, hopefully, someday, I can call myself a New Yorker.

It’s strange how just 30 days ago moving to New York felt as close as possible, and now I have, yet again, given up. I have to admit though, that I really feel like I am making the right decision. Perhaps getting my degree first will put me in a better position to move in the future.

Good luck to all in completing all of your goals!!!

does anyone know anything about rosetta stone? i have been seeing it on tv, and now they carry it at branes and noble. i’m thinking about investing in it, if it works. buena suerte!

omg…On Thursday I was offered a big promotion at work. It is a really good job, but will disable my plan to move to NY this spring. In fact, I would need to relocate to another city altogether, a city that does not thrill me by any means. But, I know this opportunity will not come again soon, and I just don’t know what to do. I could take the job, stay for a year, and then try to relocate again in the new position. This would put me at a great advantage, because it really is a great job. I would be skipping one level of management, and moving straight to the top! Sometimes I wonder if my employers know they are dealing with a complete shmuck of a person. I must really put on a great act! I’m confused now more than ever. This could potentially be a life changing decision for many reasons, so I am nervous. Being young and not having everything figured out can be fun, but I now find myself second guessing everything about my life…and I have to make a decision by Wednesday.

I’ve had my ups and downs of feelings over the past few days. But, I’m still into this. Basically, it’s going to be business as usual for the next few months. Shockingly, the saving money part is going well. Yea! I feel special. I feel like I am in more control. That has nothing to do with moving, but anyways…Although the novelty is moving has worn off, I am still very much into it, which I think is a good sign.

Yesterday, I threw a birthday party for my mom, and this guy from her work was there. We had never met before. He picked up a picture of me and my mom when we were in NY and said, “I used to live 3 blocks from there.” And that was it. I picked his brain for the next 45 minutes! That’ll teach him to talk about New York in front of me!! It was so cool, because one thing I have been lacking in my research is a personal account from someone who has lived there. All the internet searching and book reading simply can’t compare to the insight from a real New Yorker. This is the most interesting thing he said: “Everything that is easy and common for us, grocery shopping, transportation, etc, is hard in New York. You have to stop at the deli for meat, then again at the bakery for bread, another stop for shampoo, you get the idea. There are no Wal-Mart stores in Manhattan. But, everything that is uncommon to us, extreme diversity, cultural events, is so easy and normal in New York.” Interesting feedback, don’t you think?

At any rate, I’m gearing up for an uneventful fall and winter, then I will take stock of my feelings in the spring. Still considering that 2nd job. I’ll keep jotting down any new thoughts here as well.

I’ve been pretty chill the last few days. I think I have done all of the thinking there is to do, and what is left is the action stage, the most important and complex stage. This is good and bad. Good because now that the thinking stage is complete, I am still into this. Usually, I would have already out thought myself by now. I have been officially convinced that this will happen and now I am internalizing. Anyway, you get the idea. The bad is what stands between me and reaching this dream/goal…months of waiting.

Originally (as I had mentioned previously), I wanted to set up shop no later than June 2009. For business purposes, I moved the date up to March-April 2009. This is good and bad. Good for business, good because I’ll be there sooner, good because it gives me less time to back out. Bad because it gives me less time to stash the cash. But I think it will be okay. I have considered picking up a second job, although I really detest second jobs. I just know that the more saved I have, the easier the move will be. Anyway, enough of that.

Yes, friends, in a matter of months I will be walking the streets and avenues of New York, head tilted high, squinting in the sun as I gaze upward at the beautiful buildings. I hope the fall and winter pass quickly, each month building momentum from the last. Of course, I don’t know what it will bring, but that doesn’t mean I can’t hope.

I got some more definitive information in regards to the job and financials. Good news, I think. I have tried my best to estimate the potential incoming, and outgoing monies. Based on my calculations, the low end of income will be enough to cover the medium to medium high end of living expenses. That’s okay with me. I figure I’d take along my life savings and figure things out for a few months when I get there. Again, that is okay with me.

The only thing I am having trouble finding info about is, well like, actual living expenses. Yes, I know it’s expensive, but how much is a weeks worth of groceries? What about electric in the winter? The are the things that will remain a mystery until I get there. That’s okay with me.

I’m convincing myself daily that I am going to follow through with this. I am saving money like I wanted to and addicted to google earth, scoping out potential neighborhoods:)I kind of feel like Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates. Each morning I wake up and rethink everything I thought the day before. Tiring, actually. I wish I could give my mind a break! But I will take this as a good sign. I have also decided that even if this ends up being a ‘mistake’ (which I do believe in), it is one I won’t regret, and that too, is okay with me.

I’m lucky. Always have been. I’m not trying to brag, but I do feel like things usually turn out the way I want them to, This is why I am remaining optimistic despite my rollar coaster feelings.

Upon further investigation, it turns out that I might not exactly be moving onto easy street with this job. Truth be told, I’m not sure what kind of money I will be making if I did move. That remains a big question mark in my head. I really don’t want to admit it, but the money I will earn or not earn is the maker or breaker of this whole deal. I’m a little worried that this is going to fall through, and I will have to pull the plug:(

But like I said, I’m lucky, and I will find a way to do this. If there is no way, I will give my all making one.

oklikeso, I know I just wrote a big long entry yesterday, but I really want to share this excting update. Like I said before, I know I will be able to transfer with the company I work for now. But…ok…some back story…I work for a large corporation, which I love, and about 60% of my salary is commision based. I make a decent wage for where I live now, but I would most definitley need to increase my salary by 30% to live comfortably in NYC. I was worried that wouldn’t be possible, and therefore, crush my dream of moving. Today I got up the courage to ask my boss for sales figures from the NY area, so I could estimate the potential raise….and oh my gosh, there is a big one. I feel really confident that I will be able to easily afford living in New York. This development certainly helped to encourage me. Knowing my income would be enough is a big weight off my shoulders. Furthermore, my boss was really supportive and accomadating. I am so excited (again)!

Oh, and I wouldn’t have to wait til next summer because I would go ahead and sell my car, which would give me enough to move and I would have enough to move and keep some stashed away. I would just have to wait til the right position opened up:) As sad as I was yesterday, I am going to try and keep up the momentum I feel today. NY HERE I COME!!!

The sublet is out. Now I am in the ‘visualization’ stage of a permanent move. It’s going well so far:) Ok, this is kind of weird but I’ll write it anyway…Did you ever think about yourself winning the lottery? You can see yourself in a new house, new car, new whatever. You see perfectly how different your life would be, and it feels very real and natural. But when you think of yourself actually winning, holding the ticket, checking the numbers at the bottom of the t.v. screen, receiving your big fat check, it seems so out of question. I feel like that.

I see my life in New York…catching the subway for work, Saturday morning jogs in Central Park, walking up the street to grab a cup of coffee, etc. Not only the good stuff, but the bad stuff too. How I would cram all my stuff into a 500 sq. ft. box, the sacrifices I would make to afford to be there, trudging through snow in the dead of winter…you get the idea. I can see all what I imagine to be and and bad, and I still like it. But when I think about packing my things, leaving my family, selling my car, those things feel far away. I’m not sure what this means, if anything, but I don’t like it.

Confession: At first I was just thinking about subleting an apartment for the summer. I was too nervous to actually sign a lease for myself. But, as I suspected, my own mind became the storm cloud in my rear view mirror, and this weekend, it caught me. Subletting for the summer is really impractical. I would only feel comfortable doing it if I saved enough money to cover all living expenses(because I can’t gaurantee getting a job once I get there, let alone a good one). Plus, I would have to keep paying car insurance and stuff like that at home. I would have to visit the city at least two times in order to view and decide on an apartment, all of which costs money. Now I’m not a destitute woman, but I’m not growing any money trees in my backyard either. No, subletting would basically equate to a freakin expensive vacation, and I don’t think I’m willing to do that.

Also, I talked to my boss about taking personal leaves of absence from work, and there was some good new and bad news. The good news is that I can take a leave for 30 days, but if I come back within 90 days of the end of the leave, I will be taken back with my normal rank and seniority:) Bad news: no guarantee of the same position:( But I work for a fabulous company who I know would take me back.

So now as I cut loose the idea of the summer sublet, I am faced with an even harder decision. Do I go all the way or not at all? Going all the way means transfering with my job, selling my car, and potentially sidetracking my college education(even though it is already severely sidetracked;) It means making some huge changes and seperating myself from my family, which is a very high priority in my life. It means doing something great and adventurous for myself, something I’ll always remember and cherish. Not going means giving up on a dream I have had, and knowing I will never be able to follow through on that dream again. That makes me sad.

One last note: A part of me thinks that even if this move ends up being a mistake, which will deter the life I will eventually return to, I want to do it anyway. The other part thinks that if it might be a mistake, isn’t it a little stupid to be doing it? They say hindsight is 20/20, but I feel like I have hindsight now, and want to ignore it. Stupid? I’m not sure…

P.S.-Thanks for the comments and cheers:)

June 30, 2008
At first I decided not to tell anyone about my relocation fantasies. First of all, I don’t want to be known as the girl who’s always talking a big talk, but never doing anything she says. Now I know I think about doing a lot of things, and I make big plans in my head, but rarely share these ideas with people, because the thoughts are just that…thoughts. But, as I visualize myself moving and living in New York, it feels so natural and real to me, that I haven’t been able to keep it a secret!

I’ve mentioned the move in passing to a few people. First, my sisters. These two women know me better than anyone else in the world, and they had the reaction I was anticipating. They made comments like “Oh that sounds like fun. I’ll come visit every month!” Not sarcastic or rude or anything like that, but I know they were thinking ‘I’ll believe it when I see it.’ Still, I’m glad that they didn’t completely shoot me down, as that wouldn’t have surprised me either. I’ll take that as a sign that deep down, they really do believe I can and will do this. Yea Me!

There have been a few people at work too. One, a fellow dreamer of sorts, was supportive and encouraging. Another, we’ll call her Jane, was very negative, pelting me with the ol’ ‘do you know how much it’s gonna cost?!’ and ‘my friend who lives in Jersey says that…’ blah blah freakin’ blah! I never cared for her anyway>:)

Strangely enough, no reaction or comment, positive or negative, has permeated my thought process. Right now, this is my own thing. And well, the thing of anyone who reads this little ‘blog’, if you can call it that. The Others will be more formally invited to participate at my discretion.

Although I am positive and hopeful, I am, in the back of my mind, waiting for something to take the wind out of my sails. I feel like I’m trying to out run a black cloud that’s steadily gaining ground behind me. And when it does, I’ll realize that this isn’t going to happen. Don’t know why, I just do.

June 28, 2008
So basically, I want to have saved $6000 by June 2009 to comfortably move to New York. Hm. That’s 11 months away. Hm. Saving money has never really been my best quality (see #4 of my 43 things list). No, I subscribe to the ‘money is meant to be spent’ philosophy. Not that I’m superficial, I’m not. I just like to spend money on myself and others (I’m a great gift giver). But I know that if I am going to achieve this goal, saving money this year is an absolute requirement.

I have worked full time for 4 years, making anywhere between 18k and 42k bucks per year. How pathetic is it that I do not have one cent to my name in a savings account? I’m truly annoyed with myself in regards to this. But I guess I’m working on it. I opened a savings account the other day and put in $882. I was feeling really good about this until I realized…6000-882/11=$465 a month I need to save. That’s going to be a stretch, but I will do my best! So far this week I skipped Starbucks twice (indulged once), and suffered a major setback relating to an outlet mall:)

On a personal note, I wonder what my spending/slurging habits say about who I am. Or do they say anything at all? More specifically, I wonder, what will it mean if this move to Manhattan is the only thing that will motivate me to put some money away. It this a good thing? bad thing? or not a thing at all? Hmmm. I’ve not decided yet.

June 25, 2008
My name is Kellie. My fascination with New York City began when I was about 13 years old. Having never visited, I wondered throughout my teenage years where this love of the city came from. My first trip to NYC was in Winter 2003. After that, I dreamed of becoming a Manhattanite. An official resident of the greatest city in the world! I’ve been back three times since then for vacations and whatnot, but lately, I have seriously been considering a permanant relocation.

I love the city for all the typical reasons. Culture, food, fun, architecture, history, theatre, art, diversity. But most of all, people can be who they are and/or who they want to be. Everyone is different, and that by itself, makes us all the same.

I have decided to officialize the random thoughts I have had about moving by chronicling them here at 43 things. I don’t know if anyone will ever read these entries, nor does it matter. Maybe this whole thing will blow over by winter, and I’ll forget all about it. Maybe I’ll take off for the city and never look back. I just don’t know. But I will find out over the coming months.

I don’t know what I will find in New York City. I don’t even think I’m really looking for anything. But I am young and single, and if ever I will make the move (as I’ll call it), it has got to be soon. I’m happy with myself, my family, my life. I don’t care to “re-invent” myself as many people who go to New York do. Maybe just develop parts of myself that are untapped. Like I said before, I just don’t know!

My target time for the move is June 2009. The first step was typing it here. In black and white. Step 1- DONE!