negative self-talk and i have a long history together. and He doesn’t want me to leave him. problem is, it’s an abusive relationship, and i’m struggling. i think that i need him because i’d be a fool on my own, i wouldn’t be able to support myself. without him around, no one would like me, because i’m not worth anything without him. he makes me better, he corrects me and teaches me and reminds me of the consequences when i do something wrong. he protects me from embarrassing myself in the future by making sure i don’t do anything stupid. he also tells me i can’t cry or complain or show how upset i am to anyone else. he reminds me that they would judge me and they would turn their backs on me if i’m not cheery all the time. i have to pretend like everything’s fine. if i don’t, if i give away my unhappiness, then he will hurt me more, and be angry. i don’t want to make him angry… and i can’t leave him, because i can’t do it alone. besides, he needs me, and he loves me. he really is a good guy, he is always looking out for me. he has good intentions. how could i abandon him? i know, deep down, he’s just insecure and afraid to lose me. someday he’ll be better, and he won’t hurt me so much. and then we can be happy together.
I think I’m in an abusive relationship with myself.
I read this on a website:
Emotional Abuse: What is your relationship like?
Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don’t know how to describe it?
Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?
Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?
Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner’s eyes?
Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
Do you have to account for every moment of your time?
When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as bitch or nag?
If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny, or say you don’t deserve anything?
Things to consider:
Know that you are not to blame for your partner’s abusive behavior.
Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
Recognize that emotional abuse should be taken seriously.
Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength.
Ugh. How am I supposed to ‘trust myself and my own experiences’ if I’m the one who’s beating myself up? Which self am I supposed to be trusting? And if there’s only one self, which experiences/thoughts am I supposed to be relying on?
I guess I kind of know the answer to that one.. I’m supposed to be trusting the thoughts that aren’t abusive and negative. It’s too obvious of an answer for me to play Devil’s Advocate in good conscience here. In fact, that whole paragraph just above this one is actually the Voice of my abuser, Signore Advocate da Inferno himself. God, I feel like Gollum. I just don’t know why it’s so freaking hard to just be Smeagol, and be able to finally BREATHE again. To love myself again, and to love others again.
The problem with abusing yourself is that you abuse others, too. All the people I just don’t respond to when they try to talk to me, all the friends I leave hanging when they’ve gotten themselves down. Spite pops up and I can hear myself thinking, “Why should you fawn all over this person, why take such good care of them? They’re not taking very good care of you; why do they deserve it if you don’t?”
Isn’t that horrible? It’s just a constant self-pity party over here. But the thing is, it’s a whole lot easier for other people to take care of you if you let them in and SHOW them how badly you need to be taken care of. How can I expect them to care for me if I keep pretending like I’m fine? Or even if I admit I’m not, how can they help me feel better if I don’t even tell them the problem?
At this point I’m just rambling. But this is the current state of my mind. I need to learn how to stop criticizing myself and others. If I weren’t so hard on myself, I wouldn’t be so hard on them, either.
So here’s a toast, to trying to accept myself.
But is a resolution to accept myself another form of abuse, since I’m just criticizing myself for criticizing myself?
It’s official: I’m spiraling again.
“If you concentrate on winning the votes of people you don’t like and who don’t like you, you are taking your power and energy away from the people that really matter.”
I have an incredible support system, and I’m realizing it more and more every single day. I’m lucky. And also, I have an advantage over all the others who are spiraling into depression: I don’t believe I can ever be depressed. I just simply don’t believe in it. And I’ve never hated myself; I know I have something to offer. Deep down I always remember that. I just have to stop shoving it ‘deep down’ and take it up to the surface every once in awhile.
I wouldn’t have such amazing friends if I weren’t worth knowing.
I just need to let other people know me, that’s all. Me: Unrestrained, secure, confident. Just being me. Me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me.
Okay, that’s all I got. To another time.