khaosinkinema

Oh, it has been two years since I wrote the first entry. Needs to be changed :). I somehow got around to put a friend’s advice into practice and create a blog “back then” for the purpose of sharing results of creative ideas :). Another thing I may have changed is my attitude.

I cannot believe how negative the last entry sounded! I am not ashamed, but there is no connection to this person anymore so-to-say, and that really makes me feel weird right now. ANYWAYS, attitude :

I once read that the worst enemy concerning one’s creativity is one’s own criticism, perfectionism, etc., so I really tried to lift that off. Cannot say it worked 100% by now, but then again, who cares (Eat this, perfectionism!!)? Anyways, the thing is, when I criticise my work constantly I will either get scared of further pursuing the things I love, OR I will just not find any pleasure in it. Or both.

The thing is, art needs to have lumps and bumps. If I, for example, see soembody on stage in a concert, who only pays attention to how perfect everything he does is, and also his looks are well thought-through and don’t resemble his own ideas anymore … Then it gets boring. I know because I usually tend to avoid such concerts/musicians/etc. It is the lumps and bumps that make stuff interesting, believe me ;).

As for my pc time, I did reduce it a bit. I’d still go online sometimes, but mainly to check my mails or really if there is something I definitely need to research. And the blog sort of forced me to keep going, too.

So thank you, once again!! :)

The day before yesterday marked the beginning of a new way to see things. It was mainly triggered by this article ... And then remembering how it actually FEELS to accomplish something or do something I always wanted to do beforehand but never had the courage to do, and I am saying “courage” because it often was the point which made it rather difficult to accomplish things.

The feeling could be described as “rebellious”, and the entire mood as uplifted and hyper :D. And then there always seems to be the question : Why didn’t I do this earlier? And why don’t I live like this EVERY day of my life? It is hard to find the answer when you don’t want to find it, but, being honest to myself, I often feel like I cannot feel like this all the time, which is really stupid after all. It wouldn’t harm anybody; it would JUST bring a better life to myself instead – more happiness, that is.

And I don’t want to even go on about how depressive I am at times, and how much I loathe myself at times, too, but maybe that’s why I often deny things coming into my life that are doing me good. But then again, I really am becoming more and more grateful. Most of the best things happen without an exceptation as it seems; they come suddenly, and it is up to me how to feel about them. (E. g. I got a letter from a dear friend yesterday, with two presents attached that she put so much thought and effort into … It made my day for real!)

That said, I think this is the key to battling procrastination; maybe some of you reading this are suffering from the same fears and/or from yourself not wanting yourself to be happy. Be rebellious. Celebrate the moments in which you are doing something you love doing, and do it everyday. :)

After all, you are worthy of achieving the things you want. And you are meant to be happy. Just try out things, if you are unsure. Either you will like it, and you have found something great that will last a lifetime, OR you will learn you don’t like it, which isn’t that bad either; then you don’t have to spend a lifetime of running after goals that are not good for you.

And, with everything, it is better to just do things and feel good NOW instead of thinking, “How happy I will be once I …”

I bought a new guitar recently; his name is Kai. Well, not actually, but I gave him that name. It’s a black (Fender) Squier Stratocaster, and actually I also started writing a new song. I didn’t get to practice much the past few days, but I really need to change this, after all. I heard it takes about 21 days to create a habit, and I REALLY need harder skin on my fingers, too. ;)

I don’t want to procrastinate any longer. And playing the guitar is something that makes me happy after all, too, so why not be happy more often? :)

Hello again.

Sometimes inspiration comes from this site (Sometimes?! Ah. I should be here way more often!) in form of “How I did it”s, and I am actually kind of grateful for this now. Somehow I found a page online where you can make vision boards for free (or collages in general), it’s called PhotoVisi ... (I hope the link will work!)

I made two vision boards so far, one on the subject of animals I’d love to give a home to, and also one on the subject of TRAVELLING. I will make more of course, but so far, I am really proud. :)

I still want to do something offline, concerning this subject, but I made the experience that printing the pictures I wanted turned out the way that they were rather small, and since I like bigger pictures more, I decided to work on the vision boards online first, and then print them :D, and lastly maybe add some effects and other pictures once I am holding the vision board in my hands.

So thank you for the inspiration, people of 43Things! :D

I will mark this as DONE now.

The reason for this is that I really think that places do not matter as much as I thought they did, and that is a very good observation I have made. I have gone through some really bad and some really good times and most of my current friends have witnessed this, yet stayed with me and tried to help me, listened to me (or at least read what I had to say), and you may call me “poor” now because all of them live quite far away now (I moved to another place recently), BUT … I don’t think of myself as a poor person.

In fact, I am utterly grateful for the friends I have and many of them really deserve the title “best friend”. That’s more than I actually asked for. I got to meet some new people recently, too, and they are so kind and intelligent and full of great ideas and wonderful in any kind of way … And I just want to say at this point :

I am lucky, and I should not give up on that just because I could meet up with somebody on a regular basis. :) Is this really so important after all? I don’t think so!!

I can open up, and I don’t get judged. I am not left then. I just think this is the best feeling in the world, and I wish everybody that they find somebody they feel about this way, too – no matter what the distance, no matter what the “differences” between you and your best friend(s).

Sending love to you all!

Okay, so a new language on my wishlist of languages I want to know how to speak! :D As for this one, I admit it, it was mostly “triggered” by the fact a friend of mine introduced me to the music of a certain Russian band (The name starts with an “R” :D), and because the titles were written in Cyrillic partly, I looked up the pronunciation of the letters, stumbled over the fact I LOVE one letter in Cyrillic in particular (“Zhe” ... It looks like a double-k.) again, and so I really decided I want to learn Russian now.

I have learned some Cyrillic letters already (enough for me to be able to write the word “Paprika” in Cyrillic onto a shopping list for my mum who didn’t know what I had written then and complained while grocery shopping), but of course not all. I think this will be the first step in the right direction : Learning the Russian alphabet!

Apart from that, I also love how the language sounds. I really want to learn more about Russia along the way, and I also already found a course (book) that seems to be pretty neat. All in all, this task really encourages me, and shows me once again that LANGUAGES ROCK. (I almost wrote “sock”, but that’s a typo for another day …)

Hello everybody! :)

Just added this goal (“Volunteer”), and I’d love to say some things …

First of all, I live in Germany currently. For me, it is kind of hard to actually really find ways to volunteer; it is not like there are no vacancies, but it is mostly only possible to find something by searching for specific organisations. I wish there were a page with more organisations listed where you could have a look for placements suiting your abilities.

Secondly, what do I want to do? I love animals and nature, for example, so I want to find an animal shelter to help out at, or maybe find an organisation which organises forest-cleaning events and the like. I really don’t know of any right now, but maybe a forester could help?

Then, I love speaking languages and I do like meeting people from other countries and helping them to find the right things in town, so maybe I will do something containing this, too. I am even always happy whenever I am at the train station and I get to meet people from different countries and if I can speak their language, it is even greater. It makes me feel really happy.

And I love children :). As for them, I don’t know what I could do, but since I am a lot into music, I am considering combining these two things – or maybe crafting with them, painting, or doing something like this.

Last but not least, older people or people with disabilities would be great, too. As for both, I think they have awesome ways to see the world (Just like the other people I mentioned!), and there is a lot I could learn from them. I know this could be very hard work, and I don’t know if I am really suitable for this, but maybe I am also stronger than I believe right now.

Maybe you can think of ways to get into these fields, but even if you don’t know a way, I will keep my eyes and ears open. Maybe some townhalls, libraries, musical-instrument shops, etc. have information on such organisations, too …

However, as for now, good day everybody. Enjoy my journey! :)

This doesn’t only apply to the internet, which is why I have chosen to join the group wanting to spend less time on the computer. Right now, this seems really hard for me to do, as I come up with things I cannot do in my opinion all the time, and this is annoying me already.

I don’t know how many hours I spend on the pc daily, but it must be really a lot. And if I am not on the pc, I usually also do things involving a screen (watching TV, playing games on the playstation, ...). I want to change this definitely, but it is hard for me to find a place to begin. If I really e. g. spend over 10 hours daily on the pc, then narrowing it to two hours or even less in one step sounds really hard for me.

Another problem I have is that, when I cut down on the time I spend on the pc, I “suddenly” have the idea to work on pieces of art or something like this on the pc. However, I currently don’t have access to all programs I’d need for this, which is a good thing I guess. Anyways, these thoughts make it even harder for me to stay off the pc. Plus, whenever I am not on the pc for a “longer” period of time, I have nothing on my mind than, “But what if I receive a message now? An important one …?”

I don’t have any friends living near me except for my sister, who is sharing this flat with me, as well as the pc. And I am a rather shy person, so it is rather hard for me to get to know others … Which might have resulted in me searching for this online.

Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate the friends I have; they are also there for me when I need them, and I call them true friends, no matter whether I got to know them online or offline.

It is just—the time I spend on the pc truly weakens me, it takes all my energy so to speak, and I dislike this very much. I wish I knew what to do really. I cannot join a club or anything, because I cannot pay for it, plus the situation here is currently very unstable, and we are looking for a new flat, which might be further away then and whatnot.

Sorry if this seems all like whining; there will certainly be happier entries coming. I am just currently really sad about my own behavior and that it is so hard for me to just give up.

I have got a question because some of you may have done this before and are more experienced than I am :).

I have seen very great music-collaboration videos on Youtube recently, and I’d like to join the circle of people doing this. Do you know which programs I could use to record the video/the singing/instrument playing?

Hope to hear from you soon and thank you for reading!

I had a really interesting dream recently, which was related to getting tattooed (It was more one of those dreams when you get to talk to the deceased ones and so on, but that’s a different topic now :D). When I woke up, I drew the tattoo I wanted to get in this dream, because I liked the idea and I liked that I kept saying “That’s going to be my first tattoo!” in the dream, but I changed it two times up to now.

The newest idea is the following : Above all, there is the moon, but with one exception : Some of the lower part of it is cut off. Below, you can see the Japanese flag, and below the flag, you can see the cut-off part with two people sitting on it and holding hands. And yes, it does have a lot of meaning to me.

Also, I wanted to get it on the left upper arm, and I think that is going to be the place where I get the real tattoo then, too. Also, I already found a great tattoo artist. I just have to save up the money now, as I think it is going to be fairly expensive (I want it to be partly coloured, partly grey/black, and I want it to be really big, too).

I love the idea already. :)

Heyho.

I cannot believe how long it has been since I last wrote about this goal. Ever since a lot has changed …

After studying Japanese for two semesters, I decided to leave university for a myriad of reasons. However, I do miss speaking Japanese, and learning it, and I decided to continue learning it – either on my own, or with some tandem partners or so, or maybe with friends, or whatever else might be there option-wise.

I simply love this language. If you really wish to know why I broke up studying, I can tell you in a comment. It has nothing to do with my choice of subjects, though – at least not as much as people out there might think.

So … Japanese is still important to me. And I do remember some of the things I have learned so far, but I will have to start practicing again on a regular basis. For this purpose, I bought myself flashcards, and I still have the books we used in the lessons – from the “Genki” series. Maybe you know these books; I think they explain the grammar very well :)!

So, that was my update on this subject. I will try to be more active on here again from now on.

Wish me luck!! (group hug)

Good day!!

I know it has been a while since I wrote something here in general, and I want to apologize for this … Hope everybody here, whether they know me or not, is in a good mood.

Okay, now to the progress : I recently bought myself a book called “Der Nähmaschinenführerschein” (Which would translate as “The driving licence for the sewing machine” or so?). I love the entire idea and it explains in easy-to-follow steps how to use a sewing machine in general.

Generally, I didn’t try out my sewing machine so far (Shame on me!), buuut I wanted to sew at least some things I want to take with me / wear at the festival I am going to go to. And for this I will need to be able to handle it!

Also, I will do some kind of workshop soon, for four weeks, and I will be allowed to sew then. (dances)

So, yeah, I am glad I made some progress here!

Happy sewing everybody!!

The day before yesterday I ordered my ticket for a certain music festival taking place this year, and yesterday I received it :D. I am super-excited about it …

Here’s a little more background info, though.

In 2005 I actually ordered a ticket for a certain festival that seemed to be quite great. I mainly wanted to go there because of Eve Of Destiny, a band I loved so much. However, it turned out that various bands that were announced to play there didn’t know about this at all. Nobody asked them, they didn’t even say they were going to play there, so they then announced “Hey, we are not going to play there!” Among them was not Eve Of Destiny, yet the list of bands announcing they were not going to play there got longer and longer. In the end, the festival was cancelled, I neither got my money back nor did I even get that ticket at all.

Afterwards, I must admit I didn’t really want to go to any other festival. I could not afford it, too, after all.

Then, there were several festivals passing which I would have liked to attend, but I couldn’t go because of school or because of other things that happened at the same time. I went to the Manga Party Festival in April last year then, but this doesn’t really count as a “music festival” for me. It was great, though, no doubt in that.

And then, last summer, there was this festival taking place in Germany at which a friend of mine and I got to meet up. I did not go to that festival, BUT! I went to the warm-up party and I was so happy to meet said friend and his girlfriend and another friend of his …

Aaanyways. For this year, I thought I might go there. And I will. I am totally excited already :)! I am already looking forward to the bands playing there, and if I am lucky, I can be with some friends, too. It is going to be great, I am very sure about this. The only thing I really hope for is that it will not rain … (But even if it does, I can still buy an umbrella. I guess. :D)

Heeello!

I notice I haven’t written in this for more than a year; I cannot believe it. To put a long story short, I gained a lot of weight back, sort of got a little (or a little more) lazy, and now am standing at the beginning again. HOWEVER, I will not give up this easily. There might be some people out there who’d say there is no chance for me losing weight, but I will tell and show them otherwise.

The only downside is, but this doesn’t count as an excuse for me, that our scales are not working right now, BUT I do have a measuring tape (?—for sewing, for example) and I still can take pictures of myself in certain intervals.

So far, I changed my eating behavior a little, step by step. I am not at the best point already, but I do eat a lot more fruits and self-cooked meals instead of too much stuff you only buy in the supermarket and warm up. The latter is not ENTIRELY cut out, but really mostly. I just find it depresses me to eat that, don’t ask me why.

As for the fruits, I pay attention to always having at least two different kinds of fruits at home, and I eat them daily. And I noticed I eat less of other stuff (buns, for example) than I did before because I feel “full” earlier than before. :)

So, yeah, maybe the scales won’t work right now, but I’d like to take photos of me every … I don’t know? Week? Every other week? Every month? To see some progress. I just feel a little embarrassed to post them now; I guess I weigh more than 100 kilos now :(. (However, I already feel a little lighter than in the beginning, and more energetic.)

Also I found a great homepage today. Maybe you have heard of bodyrock.tv beforehand? It seems like a good resource for both workout videos/instructions and recipes. I love the ideas, and I find it very inspiring.

I hope you are all doing well, and I am sorry that I have been bothering you with this for so long now.

Hello.

I have been thinking about this for quite a while now, and I finally decided to start getting it done. I don’t know what size I want to go to (I searched for referrence pics already, though; just forgot to bookmark them, hm!), but it should be at a size where it is recognizable that I did stretch them.

And even though I often react very, very impatient in all kinds of situations, I can imagine waiting for at least a month (or more) until going further.

The only thing that worries me is that I did get my lobes shot with one of those guns, and so I doubt they are stretchable/it would be a good idea to stretch them, since they are probably uneven … I will go to my piercer and talk to him as soon as possible. :)

I don’t want to do this on my own, as I really fear making mistakes and/or getting impatient and demanding too much from my ear.

Oh, and by the way! HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!! If you have some tips about earlobe stretching, please tell me!

I cannot believe what I am going to write down here now! Personally I think I tackled the goal, as in “I reached it!”. Finally!

I didn’t always keep track of what I did in order to achieve it, except for practicing, practicing and practicing. I don’t even have that many problems with going downstairs or upstairs in larger shops or malls (Where you can find escalators going from higher floors to floors that are still above the ground floor …).

Anyways, I am happy. I think I will write more about this later on, but so far I don’t sense that much of fear when facing the task to use escalators. Actually, I hardly fear it at all …

Thanks to everyone who cheered this goal for so long! It has been six years I lived with this phobia, and now I can say I am free of it and feel even greater than one can believe.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Hello, my dears!

Today I tried something for the first time in years probably … I decided to spend some time at a certain bookstore which has four floors (including the ground floor). I went to the second floor from the ground floor by escalator, and even though I did feel scared a lot, I realized it wasn’t that bad when not looking downward.

When I was done with the stuff I wanted to do on the second floor, I went downwards again. And took the escalator, too (but only for the “journey” from the second to the first floor). I must say I was really scared for one little moment in the beginning, but I assume all the training I have done until now did help me in the end, and after one split second the fear was gone.

Now I want to accomplish something to show to myself : Hey, you got rid of your fear finally! ... I want to go upwards and downwards all the escalators in one certain store in Aachen. They have several floors, and usually I took the elevator because I was too scared to take the escalator instead. The moving stairs are really fast there, too, at least for my taste.

So far, I am really proud of myself.

Have a wonderful day!! :)

(Goal #16—Accomplished!)

I bought the book again :).

Now I really can say “Long time no see!”, since the last entry was in 2009. Maybe I should write this now as a promise to myself … Or as some kind of challenge :).

I don’t go to said school anymore, as I now have passed my Abitur.

Whatsoever, I still want to move more. Do more sports. I LOVE dancing, so I did some research work on certain dancing styles/categories, and I really fell in love with both Parapara and Industrial dancing. I also like others, but these two are my favourites. I am trying to follow some easy routines but I sometimes feel like I am failing. (sweatdrop)

I won’t give up whatsoever. I don’t do that daily yet, but I want to, which is also the challenge I would like to become a real kind of routine. :) Maybe doing so for one month or so would be a very cool start!

What else? I must find something to do when I am on my period, though, as I always suffer from great pains then and I feel like fainting whenever doing sports … :(

Other than that, maybe I will be able to do some inline skating again as we have the inline skates here, and I wanted to go swimming when my mum visits us … So yay for sports in general! =)

I didn’t weigh myself (yet), but I tried to integrate some of the tips I received into my shopping behaviour. I must admit I sometimes ended up buying cool strawberry milk because it was so hot outside … However, I also bought apples whenever I felt the need to buy sweets :). I tried a certain kind of apple (Braeburn … I hope the spelling is correct!) because I was curious as to how it tasted … Other than that, I bought Granny Smith apples – my favourite kind to be honest. We still have Granny Smith here.

On Monday, I will prepare some potatoes for myself with a certain kind of dip. It was one of my favourite meals during the “Wake Up” diet, but since my sister, whom I am living with, hates this meal, I wasn’t able to prepare it. Now we had the idea that she will prepare some potatoes with carrots and a small amount of onions for herself, and I will get my potatoes with dip :D.

I already feel a lot better and also more awake then before. The apples so far were like a booster to my awareness! It is great. Also, I took my sister with me when I went shopping the last time. And I didn’t get weak :).

So, thank you for the tips! You ROCK! :) (The weigh in will be the week after the next one I guess …)