kikimasu

I’ve met someone new. It’s a strange feeling to be starting over again. C left things in such a way that we will never be friends, which makes me sad but, in a way, is also freeing. He has moved and we’re both moving on. I’m taking things slowly with B. Past experience has taught me to be less impulsive, more careful. I’ve thrown out or packed up anything having to do with C and I no longer have to worry about running into him around town because he has finally moved. B will have a harder road with me because of what I’ve been through, but, on the good side, I’m more aware of my own issues and ghosts. We’ll see what happens. No matter what, whether it’s with B or with someone else, I’m definitely moving on. Finally.

Work left little time for reading this past month, but I did finish Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard (271 pages). It’s a great book and I highly recommend it.

I have started Ward No. 6 and Other Stories by Anton Chekhov and The Stories of John Cheever. 360 pages and 690 pages respectively.

When I finish those two, I’ll be at 7058 pages left to my goal. I’m working on a book of the collected poems of Frederico Garcia Lorca but I’m not going to put those pages down until I get through it. I tend to take more time with poetry. I’ll be taking that book and The Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton with me when I go to the Abbey in a couple of weeks.

I’ve been thinking a bit about that previous post and about everything that’s been going on. I know that my pride is hurt. My feelings are hurt. I think that part of the reason is that, as hard as things were, I was willing to stick it out and work on it. Each time we were together I tried and he just disappeared inside himself. I think the fact that I gave it so many chances and tried so hard with someone who was so obviously not a good fit for me makes me feel a little bit pathetic. I realize it’s not logical, but feelings rarely are. I’m a strong, fiercely independent sort of woman so the idea that I was so willing to lay down, to sublimate all my needs and desires to someone else, really bothers me. It makes me question who I really am.

This is about more than C. I always seem to gravitate toward emotionally unavailable partners. I think that the hard part with C was that he had convinced me that he wasn’t that way at all. When we were apart, he was a different person. So loving and open and willing to give of himself. Then we’d get back together and he’d shut down.

I’m trying to figure out what, if anything, I’m doing wrong. I know people find me attractive and interesting. I feel a bit like the character in Sunshine Cleaning when she says “But I’m good at getting guys to want me. Not date me, or marry me, but want me.” I’m not sure why that is. Hopefully I’ll figure it out someday soon.