I'm doing 13 things
It’s freezing here in Melbourne today and the bed’s calling for me. I want to go to it but I know it’s not good for me so I’ll stay here and share with you guys for as long as I can. So I gave things some thought last night as I always do (think too much) and I came to the realization that I really hate myself like I really despise myself. I especially hate myself when I am in a group of people that I have to see regularly such as my photography class. Thats actually the reason I gave up at school not because im a single mum and its hard to go to night school, work full time and raise a child (that was my excuse at the time. People do that all the time. The truth of the matter is that whenever I went into school and even b4 I got there i would get anxious about being around those people and not knowing how to behave. At frist I was way too talkative as that’s what ive always done b4 when i got nervous and met a new group of people so I ‘d make a point of making sure I had spoken to everyone and pleased everyone too I needed everyone in the group to approve of me and it was exhausting. Then I began to notice whenever someone didn’t want to talk to me or be around me (probably cause I didnt shut up) and i was shattered. AGAIN it’s all about what others think of me, so I became obsessed with trying to make things right again and i went the opposite way I became very quiet. Too afraid to speak as I didn’t trust a word that came out of my mouth. So I became really nervous and started to eat b4 class every time then I would leave half way thru till eventually I stopped going and layed in bed at home binging on junk food feeling disgusted with myself for not going.
The same shit was going on at work at the same time. It was the first job Id had in years in an office and now I realise why I avoided working for so long. I just became so upset whenever I made a mistake I turned from a self confident (on the outside) person which I am good at coming across like that at interviews and for the first couple of weeks, to a self hating bumbling idiot (the real me) WOW!! did that all jsut come out of me.!!!!!! I have gone form a size 10 to a size 18-20 and i feel like a tank. I just got a job as a photographer at a portrait studio. I am about to face many of these issues again and im nervous. Shopping for clothes has been a nightmare too. I just feel so ugly. I miss my old body. I want to eat sweets to avoid feeling my self disgust as its so overwhelming but I want to be thin too. AVOIDANCE AND OVEREATING HAS BEEN THE WINNER FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS. I have no will to change things so I’m going to just keep writing in these pages and hope something eventually shifts. I have to be so self aware now and my whole existence has centered around being numb and not feeling anything for most of my life. Such full on work. I am frightened, all i can do is write about it at least it makes me aknowledge it so thats stopping me from burying it inside isnt it? so maybe one day I wont feel the need to stuff my face in order to keep these emotions buried inside myself cause they are safely jumping out through my fingers onto these pages for the whole world to see. Im naked lol. at least I can laugh about it. hopefully i can inspire others to do the same and we can all recover together. who knows they say miracles happen well i am waiting for a miracle. love kim.
