kiriska

I suppose this is a goal that’s pretty typical of twenty-somethings. And yet, I feel the retarded inner turmoil I’ve experienced for the last few years should have happened in high school instead of college. But it’s the reverse. I was more sure of myself then. Or at least, I had clearer assumptions as to where I would be in five or ten years. Here and now, I don’t even know what I’m going to be doing next year. There are very few things I want to do anymore, which was made all the more obvious when I tried to figure out things to list here.

I couldn’t even come up with ten.

So, direction. They say to find a career in something you’re passionate about, but the problem with that comes if you don’t have anything you’re passionate about. You’re apathetic, and you don’t care. And you begin to not care about how you don’t care. And it’s a circular spiral downwards until you drown in a pit of despair.

I don’t know how one goes about finding direction. I hear classmates tell each other that they came here and saw someone doing something and suddenly had this amazing epiphany where they realize exactly what they want to do for the rest of their lives. Draw comics, make cartoons, make games, write songs. It’s an art school, what can ya do. I’ve already changed my major three times, but every time I get knee-deep into anything, I decide that I hate it after all. I can’t do this for a living. I can’t even do enough to pass this class.

Find direction. Find passion. Find purpose. I’m tired of being a nihilist. Now I just gotta figure out how to find anything when nothing’s there. Artists create something out of nothing, supposedly. I always thought it was pretty pretentious to call oneself an artist though.

I am one of the most unhealthy people I know, but people often don’t believe me because I am an ideal weight and appear thin. They don’t realize that I have the poorest circulation in my extremities and that my hips pop when I shift in my seat or when I get out of bed in the morning. It’s very pathetic, really. I never exercise and spend days in front of the computer. And drawing, which has already begun to wreck my wrist.

I know I need to get outside and just walk around more. Go to the gym or something. Routines are hard to break though, even when you can hear your bones groaning every time you move and feel your muscles atrophying under your skin.