kmtelste

This goal has been staring me in the face forever! I sort of forgot about it. But everyday without fail I continue to feel my unescapble guilt. I feel guilty for every single action and I can’t shake this feeling. I don’t know how to conquer it or how to move on from the stupid mistakes I make. How does one move on? Sometimes I think that just writing on this site is the only thing that keeps me sane from all my worry and guilty feelings. I feel that just writing them all down just helps me to feel better about myself. But today I begin my journey, my journey into my guilty world. And to my new happy, guilt free one.

I always talk talk talk talk talk! Omg! I never stop talking! And than I worry about being annoying! And than I get all excited about an idea and than I totally lose it and keep annoying people with the idea. I don’t notice I’m being annoying until later!

I’m always communticating wrong with everyone Like today I kept bugging my boyfriend about what he wanted for Christmas and I kept going at him and I guess I didn’t notice I was being annoying. But now I relize how stupid I was and that I should have not done that because now I ruined everything for Christmas. I want to stop making stupid mistakes like this. :( Any encouraging words there?

I LOVE ME! Ok, no not exactly, but eventually this will be.

I just relized that its ok. Sure I’m clingy, but I think i’m insecure so it makes me cling to my bf so much. I think I have to relize that I can be on my own and its ok, but also that when I’m in a relationship I chose it and the other person chose it too. I think maybe just trusting him will help a lot. Why worry about my mistake. What is done is done, now I choose to move on and live my life. He’s part of it right now, but I also have another life to live. So does he. So why be clingy? I chose not to be anymore.

I am who I am. Not the person next door, not my sister, not anyone, but me. I am no more than who I am and I can’t be anything, but myself. I can’t live someone elses life and I can’t pretend I am and live that life. I have to be me and to be me I’m going to have to have confidence in me and be comfortable with myself. I can’t forever hide my faults from people and be a perfect princess. No, I’m not perfect and I make mistakes, but I’m still special. I don’t have to worry about what others think, I’m sick of worrying about it. Trying to be what others always want me to be. If someone can’t accept me than why should I waste my time on them. I should be myself and let people see who I am, faults and all. I can have confidnece in myself and its ok to let myself love me. I don’t have to think about what others think, I can be who I want and for once in my life come out of my shell. I am who I am. Leave it or take it.

I’m so insecure about myself. I look at myself and I’m always worrying if I’m ugly or to fat. Do I really have to worry about this so much? I’m always saying sorry to my friends, family, and boyfriend and it drives them up the wall. I think this is the cause of my clingyness as well as saying sorry so much. If I get more confidence it would make the world so much better. I have not confidence in my abilites in math or school and I don’t trust my own opinion. I don’t trust that other people will like me and basicly I don’t respect myself in this sense. But how do I do better? How do I get confidence?

Well, I was doing better, but I sort of failed today. I texted him and asked if he wanted to bake a cake with me and he was like no, but thanks. So I was like ok, so I called him and than I was like “dumb” half way through the rings and he picked up and I was thinking “what should i say?, so I was like I just wanted to tell you that the sweatshirt you gave me to wear might smell like dirt so you might want to wash it and sorry if I pushed you to bake a cake with me. Wow! Stupid, is the only word I can think of. Why did I ask him in the first place and why did I call him afterwards?! Oh, well I guess I can only move on and keep trudging. At least I don’t email him so much anymore. This is harder than I thought.

I do respect my boyfriend, but they way he wants to be respected I want to do better at. He deserves better and I know I can give it :)! I will give him space, support him, and show that I care better and just respect and accept who he is.

My parents have said that St. Olaf in the past years has gotten to expensive, so I have to chose a different college. Well, maybe I will just apply and see if I get in. Never hurts to try.

My bf and I have been going out for 3 monthes now and for the last month I have been working really hard not to be clingy. Well, its working I think. We had a little argument before about him not being affectionate and I’m being to clingy. So we’ve comprimsed and we decided we would both do better. So I have stopped emailing him and texting him every single day. I don’t try to give a hug every moment and hold his hand every second were togather. I have hiddden my phone from myself for awhile and I stay off facebook less so I don’t look at his picture. I just have to stop asking him to do things so much though. If he says he can’t, he can’t do something. But otherwise I think I’m doing great.

The only thing that worries me is that he has become more intamate while I have cooled off a bit. It scares me a bit and I dont’ want him to think that he has to be to affectionate all the time. I still want him to be him. But I think right now were trying to find a happy medium and eventually it will all level off.

I had a 3.6 for the last semester and the new year is coming up! Act hear I come!

133 to 126! One pound to go!!!! Yeah!

133 to 127.5 at the moment. I’m thinking I want to get to 125 at the moment or 123. My stomach has gotten a lot smaller, but I still have a little puff, maybe 123 would be good. And than I will do abs once I get to 125. Just need to start working out because I have dropped that much weight by just cutting back on eating, but I think exercise is still be important.

never have sex until I’m married.

Down 3 pounds from the start of my thing! Yes! Just tommrow I have to go out to eat for my sister’s graduation and I’m wondering how to get around that. I always get to 129 and we go out to eat and it screws me all up!!!!

Finally 1 pound! This took so long it was crazy. This week I lost my first pound, but the other weeks I did the same thing and I didn’t lose a thing and this week I ate out! Oh, well, whatever happend I don’t care, I lost my first pound, now just 4 pounds to go to get to 125. Or 8 pounds until I get to 120. It really depends whatever feels healthy to me when I get to 125

I have a problem with getting home and trying to stay away from the food, so I have decided that I can only look in the fridge for a snack. That means only apples and oranges. And I can only have one!

I am so sick of not losing any weight that I just forced myself to run 25 min and I’m not even tired, but my body was starting to scream at me so I let it take a small break. But I’m not going to let it rest for to long. I’m going to go do jumping jacks and candle sticks next. At least 20 candle sticks and then like as many jumping jacks as possible. And then I’m going to do push ups and crunches and I’m going to eat a small dinner cause I’m not hungry. Then I’m going to do all my homework and have a good night sleep. Nothing’s going to stop me!!!!!!!