konirh

I’m sick of being so attached to guys that I feel like a little puppy. I’m sick of basing my sense of self-worth around things I can’t exactly control, like what mood one of my male friends is in, or whether he wants to talk to me or much.

I’ve never had a boyfriend, but I’ve been (badly) emotionally hurt before by someone I had a crush on. And I am sick of all the pain and confusion and awfulness I have been through. I’ve felt like cutting myself because my ex-crush didn’t seem to care. I felt like starving myself because his girlfriend was thinner. I read my old diary entries from a year ago, and he was a far greater part of my life than he should have been, and it is a shame.

I think our society promotes the image that women need a guy to make them happy. Well, the problem is, that kind of neediness is unhealthy. I do think having friends is a good idea, and I don’t think having a partner is a bad idea, but, if a guy’s not so into me he won’t even ask me out, why would I want to go out with him in the first place? If a guy doesn’t really want me, why would I want him?

I know some girls go out with guys because they feel unwanted, and unattractive, without one. But I don’t see how dating a guy would change one’s appearance one bit. If who we are is the guys we date, and we break up with those guys, then who are we? I’ll work on my looks by exercising and eating healthily and all that – that, unlike a “handsome” guy, won’t leave me for any reason.

And I don’t support the idea of “marrying for money,” either. I appreciate the fact some women want to stay at home once they have kids, and I might very well do so one day. But one should be able to get a job should anything amiss happen. This may be controversial but – I don’t believe in the concept of “other halves.” From what I’ve seen, whole, healthy women attract whole, healthy partners. Needy, clingy women draw predatory, damaged partners.

So I am going to work on myself first. I’ll study harder at university, try to find a part-time job, take up some extracurriculars, and try to improve myself by journalling. I will work on my relationships with my friends, too, but try to make sure that my love for them exceeds my need for them. And change is inside out. I would rather spend an hour studying, searching for a job or even focusing on my appearance than an hour trying to change myself to fit some guy’s vision of his “perfect” woman. The latter is really not my business, unless I choose to make it so.

Ladies – become more self-centred! Your sanity will thank you for it. :)