lackluster_wallpaper

Okay, not going very well. Just had a melt down yesterday when I found out that we will just squeak by on paying the mortgage this month. I realize that I don’t need to panic when we can pay our bills, but now we are using the credit card to pay for odds and ends and I fear we will keep using this as a crutch. Also, I felt immense pressure to keep the ball rolling: i.e. stay at deadend, crap job; find a part-time job to pay off cards; scared to spend money on even groceries. I know its stupid for me to worry so much, esp since we have only been paying these bills for two months and are adjusting, but I still freak out. I’m not exactly sure how to calm down…

What the h**l am I doing in this position? I’m a creative, fairly intelligent, college educated person and I’m answering phones and staring at a computer screen, entering data. My degree is in theatre arts! I have never been successful in finding a good job for myself. For years I was stuck in the retail world, and now in the admin sector. I just need someone to take a chance on me!! I need something to come up on the job listings!

I have seen but two jobs that have interested me in 5 months of searching.  Most of the opportunities I see with theatres or event coordinators are for unpaid interns, which I would have no problem with if I had a night job or could find one, but those seem to have dried up as well.

Another kicker is the fact that I only moved here two years ago with my husband and don't have a network here.  I don't know who to talk to or where to go because apparently none of the creative jobs are listed in the paper.

I am so incessantly bored with my job, I have started just wasting time because I am tired of it.  I know that sounds bad, but when I was efficient it didn't make any difference.  My manager is so disorganized that he does everything last minute.  He also never works a full day, has personal hygiene issues and stares at my boobs when he talks to me.  He is self-centered, doesn't care at all about the branch unless he is directly affected and would sell out any of his staff at a moment's notice.  He pawns off things that he doesn't want to do onto myself because he is lazy or is afraid to face the consequences on mistakes.  Also, I am the only person in the whole branch with a college education and am surrounded by blue-collar men all day- I am an intelligent woman that has to dress like a slob so the customers won't hit on me when they come in to make their purchases (Don't get me wrong, I have a huge amount of respect for those working blue-collar jobs because I could never do half of the things they are expected to do everyday and some of those guys are the most respectful and polite men that I have ever met.  There are a few that harrassed me when I did try to look professional and groomed and I found it was easier to just look like I didn't try to look nice for them to leave me alone.)  I have absolutely nothing in common with the people I am surrounded by most of the day and don't have anyone in the office to really talk to.  I keep to myself most of the time because of this fact.

I don't even have a real office. I have a cubicle beside a sales counter, which is in front of a TV that runs either football or music videos all day.  When I asked if I could possibly do half my work at this location and do the other half at another due to lack of concentration because of noise, I was told by my area manager to wear headphones.

I don't know what I am going to do.  My poor husband is so frustrated he can't help and is worried about my mental health. I'm starting to worry about my health.  I just feel so trapped.  I just feel like I have no options and just have to suck it up and take whatever this job gives me.  And this is a total dead-end job. There is no moving up- if I stay, I'll be in this same, boring, frustrating job until I snap.