lailah1

The whole time I was in my appointment she was asking mostly about my lifestyle, not about much about my health or even my thyroid. She said my blood test came back as the same as it was a few years ago which means I still need to take the same pills as before. But that wasn’t why I went there , I went there to get information about it , and more importantly to find out if my throat problems ive had for years , are related to my thyroid somehow , because everything else has been ruled out . I wanted so say to her its none of your bussiness and what has this got to do with my thyroid, but i thought no ill be nice . Why does she need to know if i have a boyfriend and who im living with and so on , this convo went on for like 45 mins about my life , it was so wrong, and so fking suspicious too . I thought about seeing another thyroid specialist but decided to just wait until i get into my appointment to see teh ear nose and throat specialist , which i have been on the waiting list for almost 3 years now which is just way too ridiculous for words .

Anyway, after talking to me and examining me , she said that it probably isn’t the thryoid irritating my throat , but actually just anxiety doing this. I know it is not anxiety doing this, i have had anxiety since I was 3 years old , and I have only ever had the throat problem ever since I had been diagnosed with the under active thyroid .

So she said she won’t take pictures of the thyroid to have a closer look, because she thinks its an anxiety thing . That was a huge waste of time. At first I thought , ok this is good it means I don’t have thyroid cancer or a swollen gland, then after a while I thought , wait a minute , something is not right here .

First of all, they spelt my name wrong and thought it said i was 19, when I am actually 21. I do not like old doctors or nurses or anything in the medical field, i have had very bad experience with older doctors not knowing what they are doing , and forgetting what they were talking about half way through . she was not senile, i am just pointing out that i prefer middle age doctors with experience, just not too old . And she was so rude, answering her mobile and then not even appoligising when she ended the phone call. I always go private with these things because service is usually 100 percent better , but in this case I was a little disgusted .
she wanted to know if i still lived at home, after i said no i live with a housemate, she says who is this housemate, how long have you known them . lol i still cant believe the unneccesary questions this lady was asking .where i worked for the last 5 years, and what course i did, and why im not working now, and why im agoraphobic and have body dysmorphic disorder, and what im doing about it to get it fixed, its like WTF is wrong with her, if i wanted to talk to someone i would have made an appointment with a therapist , geez some people. if she enjoys interrigating all her clients so much , maybe she should have been a dam therapist lol i guess it wouldnt have annoyed me so much if she asked them in a caring manner, but she was asking questions that didnt need to be asked, followed by critising me for my lifestyle choices of not working ect . .

And at the end of the day , it’s not even about the money I just wasted, it’s about still not knowing what the hell is wrong with my throat .

Lately I have been getting really angry or at least feeling really angry , but my body doesn’t feel it . Like usually when I’m angry my heart rate goes up high as it does , but nothing happens lately , my heart rate stays the same even though I am angry .

I’ve been sad but I can’t cry . Sometimes I am so sad inside but I just can’t cry anymore like my body won’t let me . For the first 4 years I was with Adam i cried almost every day , but i haven’t cried much at all in the last year and a half . Not because I couldn’t , but because I didn’t care about him anymore and had no reason to cry . But now I physically cannot cry even though I want to sometimes.

And when I exercise I don’t feel pain anymore, like I can walk on the treadmill for 3 hours and feel like i haven’t even had a workout at all . whereas before i would get tired and at least feel it in my legs afterwards .

Same thing with eating, the other day I ate so much sugar , I have never eaten that much sugar in one day in my whole life. Usually I stop when I have just enough . I don’t like that too rich sugar taste and feeling after you eat too much , but that day I couldn’t tell the difference , i even got an ulcer in my mouth because of overdoing it with the sugar , it went away the next day though lol .

Everything is just really weird, I don’t know why this is happening, it must be a mental thing though . Just blocking all emotions so Adam can’t get to me .

I finally went and got my blood test done today, after putting it off for almost 2 weeks. Getting the blood taken isn’t my problem , it’s procrastinating everything in my life that is the problem. I’m seeing a thyroid specialist on the 24th of July .

I went there in a normal mood but left in a cheerful happy mood. It’s amazing how something so small , whether it be good or bad, can influence the outcome of my whole day . The lady that took my blood was so friendly , that I left with the happy attitude myself . lol I probably sound silly but I like friendly people, and it’s very rare to come across people like that .

After I was done with that I even went for a walk on the beach , and then took my dog for a drive in the car (she loves the car) , which is something I wouldn’t have normally done because I’m still overcoming agoraphobia .

Kinda makes me think the reason why I am so unhappy all he time is because I am living with someone who is constantly miserable even on happy occasions. People who are around him that are usually cheerful, always end up bored and uncomfortable.