lalashamarla

I feel like the past few years have seen me become extremely scared of failure….with the interesting thing being that I start so many things, freak out and don’t finish them anyway and reinstate my view that I am a failure. I think that uni really knocked me around, I was scared to go there in the first place but was determine to prove to myself that I could….and I did for a while. But, then the old self doubt came up and unfortunately I let it win. I used to be thin, but started to get content with my partner and relaxed way too much on the healthy eating and exercising and now find myself in a position where I can’t stand the body or lifestyle that I lead. I am so far away from where I want to be in my life it is ridiculous. I always feel like I put everybody else first….because if I don’t then I will have a guilt trip to face and I am tired of it. I don’t know how to make me happy as well as everyone else. I think I have become a people pleaser/a mat that everyone can walk all over. I dont know….I know that I am a nice person who is happy to help people but at what cost am I paying personally for all my giving? I get scared to tell people of what I am about to achieve because I feel like they all doubt my ability anyway. I have joined 2 gyms in the past 5 years and only been maybe 10times in that whole period – the money that I have wasted. Not to mention the numerous times I have joined weight watchers or started a health kick only to put the weight back on. I find it so damn hard to change. I have this monkey on my back the whole time. arrrrrggghhhhhhh, I am over it. Even when I am succeeding like I did about 3-4 months ago having lost 5kgs I got slack and put all the weight back on. People at work were so complimentary, now I just feel embarrassed as I am more uncomfortable than before. I want my partner to help me, be supportive of me in all areas but I just can’t get that from her. I want to get my life back on track!

I am grateful for the following that happened this week:

My best friend has found inner strength which I have not seen in a really long time. I am so proud of her!

The beautiful flowers that my bestie sent to me for helping her through this stressful time. It was so nice to receive them, especially when they arrived at work, hehe.

I reconnected with S, even if it was only through a couple of text messages.

For A’s mum knitting me a really cool mobile phone sock.

Having a heart to heart with my boss and telling him how I truely felt about the current work situation – which has been less than ideal for a long time, which he knows. He was very supportive and has come up with a “venting” session involving himself, A, her boss and myself each week. Hopefully this will release some of the tension that we are all feeling at the moment.

My blossoming friendship with AL.

The wonderful sleep in we had this morning…..pure bliss, and definately needed after my wacky sleep pattern this week.

For feeling inspired to change….

Thank you!

Well, I conquered the “lack of instructions” challenge…..I have programmed the majority of numbers into the phone. By the end of the weekend I think that this goal will be well and truely done. Yay!