laurelar

i have spent a significant amount of time on this, though i havent accomplished it. k and 1 are planned through december. 2,3 and 4 are planned through october. 5th isnt planned at all.

with the exception of 5th, this is pretty good. its certainly enough to start the year with a plan. and little shuffling. i still have a couple waffly project/timing that may change, but at least i have somewhere to start. with 5th, i have plenty of ideas, i just need to sort out, again, where to start…

I’ve spent the last two weeks doing a lot of soul searching, as I normally do when I am here… I have been looking at my (now 30) things, and really the one I want to accomplish most – which i also feel is most in my power – is to go back to school. I think that I will have a lot more options and opportunities open to me if I get my masters, and plus its something I have wanted to do – and had planned to do by now. I realistically, due to life circumstances, must pursue art ed, not art therapy as i have always wanted. I looked up at gsu, and they have an ungodly deadline of jan 6 for next fall entry.

references, no prob. portfolio: i am already planning it in my mind – have to limit to 20! letter of intent… ok…. application is one page. then i hit my obstacle. the thing that sends me into a total panic: THE GRE.

i have test anxiety anyway. plus i have my own beliefs about standardized testing. i do not test well. i get very hung up on the time limit, and spend more time checking the clock than reading my test. i lose concentration. my mind wanders. i read slow. i have to reread passages several times. my biggest fear is having a panic attack in the test (this is not unfounded, but a story i do not like reflecting on.) I dont have a good vocabulary.

so i figure the best thing for me is a test prep program. evening at emory has one and my sister is willing to take it with me. unfortunately, it doesnt end til november, which leaves a very small window to get the test taken and results to gsu.

Then i start reading about the gre. it is given on the computer now. this throws out every test taking skill i have ever learned, such as underlining, checking my work, skipping and going back, underlining. i start having an all out anxiety attack reading this – crying, heart beating. its this damn test, and my (rational) fear of it keeping me from my dreams. whats more, they score you as you answer a question – you know right away if it is right or wrong – and vary the difficulty of future questions based on the correctness of previous answers.

as i told eric, i am not getting younger. we are not getting richer. i am not getting happier with my job or myself. all reasons i have been putting off my higher education. i am letting this test rule my life, and i dont want to look back and never accomplish anything because of it.

i havent done anything yet. but another one of my (30) things is to face my fears. i have let fear dictate too much of my life. so i just might sign up for this class, test, apply, and see if i can change my life in a year. (also have to make sure i can pursue degree on part-time basis, which’ll take longer)

i am sure i am stunted on this one because people never treat me my age because i dont look my age. i get away with a lot, pretending to be a kid.