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document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
7/22/08
  • loosing viginity – It’s overrated. It really doesn’t get good until your like, 3rd or 4th time, when you stop ejaculating on her couch.
  • Rescue someone from a burning building – Ok, I get it. It’s noble, it’s exhilarating, maybe the dude wants to be a fireman or something, but I thought that it was really funny because it was sitting right next to; return to burning man – Which, opens the door to a LOT of possibilities for him/her.
  • herd rabbits – Dude, seriously?
  • Can I be accepted ….. – Ah, no. You’re going to have to wear a cape. Next question, please?
  • I WANTO TO KNOW SOMEONE WHO ARE INTRESTED IN EMBROIDERY DIGITIZINGI DO NOTKNOW SOMEONE WHO ARE INTERESTED I DO KNOW SOMEONE WHO LIKES COSPLAY DO YOU LIKE COSPLAY? CAN U MAKE COSPLAY COSTUME?
  • Make my first cosplay costumeAHHHH! It’s SPREAD from JAPAN to HERE! There’ll be no stopping the furries now!
  • go back to Utila – Goin’ back to Utilla, Utilla, Utilla, stylin, profilin Growlin, and smilin, while in the sun? (Yes, if you remember this song, you’re OLD.)
  • fully understand the code of dropthings – I totally read this and thought it said, “fully understand the code of droppings”, like there was some Bushido code to shitting or something.
  • attack a group of midgets – To be honest, you’d be better off herding rabbits, `cause, man, those midgets, they can DONKEY-PUNCH a brother. You toss a fist, they cock an eye and the next thing you know, you’re writhing on the ground in pain and experiencing renal failure.
  • Lick Daddy’s Face – This is so wrong on so many levels, that I almost choked on my bottle of water.
  • greentea wants to save $800 – Bluetea wants to lick daddy’s face.
  • watch the movie litlle manYEAH! Watch it! Watch it GOOD, LITTLE MAN!
  • b a actress – No! B. A. BARACUS!
  • Learn How to Win a Fight Without Taking a Hit – Here’s a hint, walk away.
  • be articulative – Yes. Absolutely.
  • Get to Know Korea – Here, I can get this for you. There’s the North, (bad) and the South, (good), then there’s Kimchi, OB, Hite, Soju and some really nice people. That about sums it up. Oh yeah, and don’t ever, ever, ever cut or burn a tree down.
  • be inflated with helium so i float – Another graduate of the cartoon physics university.
  • have been faithful to my wifeeyy mayra!!!:) – If you have to make this a goal to aspire to..


document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
7/21/08
  • good accountant – Gooooooood boy. Now here’s a pencil and some ledger paper.. Go boy! Go! Calculate!
  • MUMBAI ESCORTS,00-91-981999xxxx NIKI,INDIAN ESCORTS,DUBAI ESCORTS – Dude, pssst. Over here. Escorts are cool and all, but what I’m really looking for is a.. Miata. Can you hook a brother up?
  • Overcome THIS – (does a crotch-grab follow?)
  • i want to make my mum proud of me. – Yes, this is where it starts. Wanna make mummy happy, and then girlfriend problems, then finally you find that you’re 35 and in therapy, and wondering where it all went wrong and `batman ice cream’ is the happiest thing in your life. Sigh.
  • I need to buy some things – I highly suggest condoms and a bottle of whiskey.
  • offer help when you don’t want to – Done! Thus, the jimmy-hats and juice, above.
  • Drink less vodka, wine, and gin – But beer, whiskey and Kahlua are A-OK? Come on man, just out with it. No more martinis!
  • learn to swim adequately – Right, `cause, like why shoot for the stars with, “swim well” or anything. Adequate is enough to get you to the other end of the pool. In the ocean, just enough time for you to get tired and caught up in the riptide.
  • develope a house – That’s one-o-them `European’ type houses, ain’t it?
  • Cry for something good – I ran this by Argentina, and she said `Don’t bother, ok?’
  • Redo The Artist Way (in a cluster) – Failover artists? If one stops to eat, the other one continues painting without a break in stride?
  • steel – Anybody?
  • anybody – Steel?
  • am wanna be better at graffiti – That’s good, because I think your career as an English teacher is pretty much shot.
  • and drink – Best qualifier ever. Should be at the end of every sentence. “Dude, I gotta head out and pick up some cookies… and drink.”
  • yaeger – Be it Chuck or Meister, they’re all good.
  • travel the world & leave a little piece of me. – If I catch you leaving boogers on the wall of the Sydney Opera House, we’re gonna be having some words.
  • i love dogs – Reminds me of the, “I like turtles” kid.
  • buy a new mini liquor every time i go to the liquor store – See? ”...And drink” works with EVERYTHING!
  • i am playing – ...And drink(ing). Steel anybody? How about a nut cluster of artists? No? How about a mini liquor?


These are a few of my favorite things... (read all 47 entries…)
RIP, Army Medic Joseph Dwyer.

Story Here



document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
7/20/08
  • work on my snowball with “gazelle intensity” – Sometimes I just see things like this and wonder, what the hell kind of measurement analogies did this kid grow up with? That, and to focus such intensity on.. on a SNOWBALL?
  • what eva – Number 4 in the “Top Ten Things You Never, Ever Want To Hear Your Fellow Astronauts Say”
  • machineshop supervisor – ...Fourth track off of the new album, `Metal-press baby’ by `The Lathes’?
  • A really cool haircut – Hint: it’s not a mullet. Really. OR a `bowl-cut’.
  • swim with a manta – Considering how well that worked out for Stevie Irwin, What makes you think you’ll fare any better?
  • I WANT TO BECOME A DOCTOR BUT I DONT HAVE ANY IDEAS WHAT I SHOULD DO please help if you can – Become a high-priced gigolo, it pays more per hour. Well, that, plus you won’t be saddled with huge student loans. Then again, if you decide on a career in medicine, keep an eye out for manta-boy up there.
  • Beat insomia – Into THE GROUND! Yeah, gonna get a posse together and jump that mofo. SCREW that beeyotch. Sucker owes me fi’ dolla.
  • FREE BLOOD AND EYE BANK – I’ve been itchin’ to make a Blade Runner joke out of this, but I’m not sure everyone will get it, so I’ll go with my second choice, “Do you take trade-ins?” Or my third, “Run into Mr. Anderton lately?”
  • affiliate funnel – meandering goggles!
  • execute on my novel – Considering we’ve already opened the door to `bad form’ by mentioning Steve Irwin, let’s just say that this goal was ALREADY achieved by Hunter S. Thompson, k?
  • get my masters in acupuncture – and have a vibrant practice by the time I’m 30 – Let’s see here; “vibrant” (adj), `oscillating or pulsating rapidly’, “acupuncture” (noun), `an originally Chinese practice of inserting fine needles through the skin at specific points..’ Sounds a little more like a tattoo parlor, no? Either way, count me out of your vibrating needle scheme.
  • Wear historically iconic finery when the mood stikes me – As long as you understand that I will laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and laugh my non-steam punk-dressing-ass-off at you. That, and give you a wedgie in your, `unable to spell `strikes’ correctly’ Victorian underwear.
  • Living with Staph CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN – New bestseller on the `OCD Authors’ list.
  • Pick strawberries and/or grapes – ...And HUCK them at people wearing historic iconic finery?


These are a few of my favorite things... (read all 47 entries…)
Sure does explain a lot...

(Creds to SeeMikeDraw)

Seemikedray



document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
7/19/08

(Early morning goal-post)

  • Eat Santa – God, how I love some of the folks on here. You go man, you go with your bad-ass self and, uhhh.. eat yourself some Santa. Yeah.
  • hacker the other computer – ...And phreaker, the loveable, yet quirky VoIP handset. Together, they form the COMPUTER SUPERFRIENDS! (Dammit, where’s Alan Moore when you need him?)
  • making a song – ...Right now that’s my tummy, digesting my lunch. And Santa’s got nothing to do with it.
  • Listen To Every Michael Jackson Albums In 1 Day – Ok, THAT is a nightmare. Seriously. I can’t think of worse torture, in fact, I bet that this was probably done at Gitmo.
  • rawfood lifestyle – Then YOU’LL be digesting your lunch, and YOUR tummy will be `making a song’.
  • Get a cross tatto(on my bac and study religon – Right, because that’s the pre-requisite for entry to all Seminaries. That, and horrible spelling, and a misplaced curved-bracket.
  • Be a business tycone (and then learn what it is) – You are SO on the right track for this.
  • Take a year off and photograph Africa’s savana or New York’s citystreets – `Cause, they’re so similar.. Actually, I bet they are.
  • make Batman ice cream – ..And then you’ll give it to him and he’ll be all like, “Oh thanks dude, this ice cream kicks some SERIOUS BAT-ASS!”, then he’ll invite you for a ride in the bat-tank, and then you guys’ll be BFF!
  • Get Drunk Without Alcohol – Seriously, I’d pay to fund your research.
  • eat the eiffle tower – What is it with you guys? First the Whole Foods dude, and now you? Also, what’s with the `Eiffle’ Tower? Is that like a giant whiffle-ball mockup of the real thing?
  • Keep people from doing stupid things. – Tell you what, you can begin with the guy who wants to mow down on Gustave Eiffel’s hommage to the city of lights, ok?
  • Recognize the passage of time – Buy a watch? Or maybe a clock radio?
  • budismo – Oy CALIENTE! (Sorry, that’s the only bastardized Spanish I know, and it’s pretty much my response to anything else said in Spanish.)
  • how do u say the 6 frist words in the spell – Oh wait, I know this. Uhhh, Klaatu barada nnn.. Ummm.. It’s an n-word, uhhh… Nnnnnnn-DICTIONARY?
  • Get a PhD in Horribleness – While I’ve got a few ex-girlfriends who have matriculated to this, I’m gonna have to go ahead and give you `props’ or a high-five or something, for actually declaring this as something you’d like to attain. May you ruin many a man’s life in the process and if you’re a guy.. Well, `luck mate. Go forth and.. be horrible or something.
  • Become a great Level 5 leader – And then, a LEVEL 8 PALADIN! ROLL D20 TO SAVE!!!
  • im not yet a merman but i will be waiting – If you’re waiting for evolution to take place, it’ll probably take a while. Just, ohh, I dunno. Spend a lot of time in the tub or something.
  • have my gull bladder removed – I can see it now, in the operating room: “CAW! CAW! GET me the HELL outta this dude! WTF MAN?”, “Nurse, get that bird out of his bladder, can’t you see it’s all aggro and shit?”
  • well im getting my ged so i can homeschool my 3 kids – (The missing other part of this statement): ”..and then, you know, I’m gonna throw on some sweats and head on down to the Walmart, `cause they got hella car parts on sale, and then maybe I can get the `74 Chevelle running, but I still gotta get tags-n-shit..”
  • wake me up wen the boring ends – Wake ME up when the spelling begins.


These are a few of my favorite things... (read all 47 entries…)
For Sabryn...

(Creds to Chris Onstad’s `Achewood’)

Textist



These are a few of my favorite things... (read all 47 entries…)
Humor from twitter:

“I hate that Ellie has to grow up in an era where Star Wars movies are about puppets going to meetings.” – hotdogsladies

“Gatorade offers “Quiet Storm”, a flavor of their Tiger (Woods) brand. Must be for rehydrating after making sweet interracial love. I’m sold!” – anildash

“I picked a bad day to quit sniffing glue” – ksonney

“After a nuclear holocaust, nothing will be left except melted plastic, cockroaches, and this guy who wants to demo his app.” – hotdogsladies



document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
7/18/08
  • Acquire a strippers body – See, and most people go around wondering how to, uhhh.. DE-ACQUIRE a stripper’s body, mostly the mob though and mostly in Las Vegas.
  • find angel investors for Fran!! – I originally read this and thought it said, “Find angel investors for Flan!!”, and to be honest, I like mine better. But then again, I kinda like Flan. God bless that tasty, tasty gelatinous substance that makes my tongue so goddamned happy.
  • learn beer – No, no, no.. DRINK beer. LEARN Flan.
  • finish mrsnoggle – A muppets version of `Waiting for Godot’, or some fetishistic furry, seeking a play partner? Again, we’re left with a choice.
  • i love to give ppl advice so ask me anything u want k – Ok, sure. My question is: WTF is wrong with your sentence?
  • Collect “World’s Largest _” Pictures – Ooo, I love goals like this. It’s like a 43things madlib! `Penis’, `Armadillo’ and `Stupid People’ are my three choices.
  • Make Peter Gabriel’s the book of love my wedding song – See, I’m more of the `Make Bauhaus’s `Bela Lugosi’s Dead’ my wedding song kinda guy, and I’m not sayin’ that there’s anything wrong with Pete or nuthin’, I’m just sayin’ maybe you should consider some Bauhaus on the dance playlist.
  • Usher in Armegeddon – ...Seat it in the groom’s section, then offer it a cool drink?
  • Replace my car with a moped – ...That’s great. All we need is another angry lawnmower zipping up behind cyclists in the bike lane, (with a nod-o-the-head to BSNYC for the original joke)
  • searching for answers – ...My advice to you, son; Drink beer, learn Flan, don’t buy a moped.
  • let me play – Ok, you’re gonna need a helmet, a jockstrap and a bicycle chain. Meet me at the corner of Race and Colfax in twenty minutes.
  • Capacity of applied faith – Is directly inversely proportional to the acceptance of fact?
  • ARITABHATTACHARYA – Battle cry of the combat chihuahua or new menu item at Taco Bell? Your guess is as good as mine.
  • I have to get the goal – ...Burgeoning football player, or completely lacking the ability to clearly articulate their wants and needs? Again, it’s anybody’s guess.
  • I want to get all my things done especially my school works – Implied, “But really, I’ll be ok if I could just solve this damned Rubik’s Cube.”
  • lift my jeep and make it waay sick! er – I love how this is worded with that lagging “er” at the end, like they’re trying to say, `Dude, no my jeep IS sick, don’t doubt me on that, but wait, see? I want to make it much sicker than it already is, but take my word for it, it’s ALREADY pretty darned sick, right now. I’m just going to INCREASE that sickness, exponentially. Think of it really as a `multiplication of sick’, but you should know, in case you had any doubts that it’s already pretty sick now.”
  • eat whole food – As opposed to eating little half-foods, or tiny parfaits of foods. Maybe they’re talking about those little, itty, bitty party sandwiches that people serve? Maybe this dude’s got a thing, where mentally he’s unable to eat a whole sandwich?
  • meet old people mobile phones who wish to join as friends. – This makes me imagine a myspace page with the “top 8” consisting of, `1987 Nokia Cityman 200’, 1982 Mobira Senator, 1992 Nokia 1011’ and friend messages like, `Don’t worry Stan, we’ll find you a battery transplant soon!’,
  • a farmer – ...a rabbi and a priest all walk into a bar, the farmer takes off because he left the combine running outside, but then the priest and rabbit are joined by a minister and a billion jokes are born?
  • i drink from now a lot of water – (In `Yoda Voice’), “And thirsty, you shall not be!”
  • i ran half an hour daily – ...and finally came to the realization that I was, in fact, a gerbil.


document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
7/17/08

(Let’s see where this goes.)

  • snore like zeek – I don’t even know what this means. A cursory googling indicates that it might be something involving Jewcy, Games, a 21 year old male in Washington D.C., a pizza shop or someone on deviantART. So, I guess thinking logically, HEY! Dude in D.C., maybe think about some of those little nose strips or something?
  • own a taser – Yes, because EVERYONE should be given the opportunity to zap the ever-lovin’ shit out of someone with 40,000 volts on the subway.
  • smoke like crane – Snore like a zeek? Sting like a bee?
  • share teeth with buzzard – Still life, with woodpecker? (WTF?)
  • im like christy’s shift – ...All full of tears, broken dreams and regrets about not finishing community college?
  • is trying the spell – Is Chicago, is NOT Chicago! (With a little nod-o-the-head to M. Doughty)
  • Build 5 new friends – So I’m picturing this sad, semi-dark living room where an overweight geeky kid is sitting at a fold-out table, surrounded by some stacked up cardboard boxes wrapped with tin foil, with faces drawn on them and he’s all like, “Would you like some more tea, Missus Jones? And how is your daughter doing at Uni?”
  • pike glen off – Yet another euphemism for masturbation. Actually, I like this one and I’m gonna use it. “Dude, last night, I totally piked one off.”
  • LINE UP MY CHAKRAS – Then knock `em down, baby. Bowl `em over like so many nine-pins. I bet that could be done with a taser.
  • buy lighters – Contemplating arson, are we? How about forgoing the instruments of flame, shooting for the moon and picking up a taser?
  • Make items for my Etsy Shop from my stash – So many doobage jokes in here.
  • post tunnel – It’s like Post Secret, only with… Enclosed pathways through mountains and shit?
  • forget to put the parking break on & let the rig roll down the hill & wonder why i got fired – Best goal, ever. I mean, I wouldn’t exactly qualify it as a goal, more than, say, a regret? or maybe, hindsight? But still, it’s got panache and style.
  • fix the CAD – Why am I imagining this goal said with an Indian, (read as: Sub-continent) accent? That or I can see an uptight guy in West Virginia whose sister’s date didn’t end very well.
  • I WANT TO HAVE A T.V. SHOWAWESOME! HOW ABOUT ONE WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO LIVE IN A HOUSE AND GET ALONG AND ONE OF THEM IS A BIKE MESSENGER WHO SHOOTS HIS SNOT ALL OVER THE PLACE AND STINKS AND PEOPLE REALLY HATE HIM? AND AND AND
  • Want’s to become a FHM model! – Wants to give you a MANUAL TO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. Wait, hold on. I know this dude who wants to start a TV show, you strike me as a good candidate..
  • Going to the space – ...What Astronauts are planning on doing?
  • I like to be a bee – Snore like a crane, smoke like a buzzard, share teeth with a zeek?!
  • Husband preferences – Blowjobs and Buttsecks?
  • Truly believe that fairies exist – Oh honey, you’ve obviously never been to San Francisco.
  • ANCHOR – Steam! Motor mounts! Hospital! HTML!


document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
8/15/07

(Work travel tomorrow, off to land of Wyatt Earp, Tombstone and cowboy hats.)

  • big things I need/want to buy.. computer , sewing machine – Yeah, food, living accommodations.. those are like, optional or something. Then again, maybe you could just sort of, I dunno..live underneath the table your sewing machine is on?
  • Get married to a guy who’d never fail me. Doesn’t that just make you cry? :’D – Well, since you asked, personally.. I could really give a shit, then again.. Maybe it’s in the way you choose men? Time will tell, I suppose..
  • I want to see you in person cause my friend thinks that she is so popular just for being on your Fan club that is my number one dream and I have never been to a concert, I swear! – Why, I’m so flattered. Gosh, I don’t even know what to say. Oh wait, yeah I do. Bring me a latte’, yo.
  • collect fine whiskey – Wait, collect? COLLECT? And what, just let it sit there on the shelf? Oh, screw you.. I’m gonna come and steal all your `spensive whiskey and sit down in your kitchen and drink it, and maybe even make myself some pancakes.
  • counsil those who need help – But not those who need SPELLING help, right? RIGHT?!
  • watch episodes of scurbs – “Scurbs” is that spin-off of `Scrubs’, where they’re all trapped on a British sailing vessel in the 1700’s and nobody’s eating enough citrus, right?
  • live in jack sparrow’s boat – Candidate for an extra on `Scurbs’.
  • Think for yourself – Hey! SPEAK for yourself.
  • meet straight man! – You are goin’ to the WAY wrong bars, sister..
  • Ride a Mary go round – She’s 5’8, dyed blond, roots are showing, wearing hotpants and a t-shirt that says, `Of course I suck cock’ and you can generally find her on the corner of Garfield and Colfax. I think her name’s “Susan”, but I could be wrong. Maybe “George”.
  • control what comes out of my mouth – Step one, slow down on the liquor.
  • am following my blissSWEET! Am thinkin’ about sex! Anybody else want to chime in?
  • am in loveNICE! Am considering shaving my head! (Somebody? Anybody?)
  • bussnies – Sounds kinda like a business for bunnies or something..
  • meet the air force fitness requirements – Dude. It’s like, “do a pushup, then drink three beers at the O-Club.”
  • I want to see Duran duran – And I want to pretend the 80’s never existed.
  • take nursing – ...Out dancing? For granted? To a whole new level, like maybe.. NAKED NURSING??!!
  • cook (real food) every night – Yeah, `cause cooking cardboard and pencil shavings is getting a little boring.
  • learn about jellyfish – Lemme save you the trouble, they’re like fish.. but jelly. And they sting you. And it hurts. And it doesn’t help when people pee on it, that’s just a vehicle for your friends to laugh at you.
  • be less sarcastic and cold – And then you will be king of the emos.


document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
8/14/07 - (Let's try this again.)

(Starting small. And it doesn’t help that I’m in an incredibly lovely mood today. Baby steps, Bob.. Baby Steps.)

  • do a film with zac and cody – Baow, chicka baow, baow..
  • find a job where I can use all of my talents – Colfax, 9pm. Be there in fishnets.
  • Rafik’s job – Fluffer on the “zac and cody” set?
  • i am doing hotel management – I am Jack’s complete lack of college education.
  • get a new and interesting haircut – May I suggest a dyed-rainbow reverse mohawk?
  • drink a vintage rothschild bordeauxBAH! Bordeaux is crap! Pinot! That’s where the love lives.
  • look better than my cousin on her weeding day – I fork this; a.) some non grass-stained trousers and better gloves? and b.) Surely that’s the way to live, you’re sounding more and more healthy every day.
  • Take part in The Urdd – This sounds like it’s got something to do with porta-johns. Count me out, bucko.
  • Show my ex what he is missing – Hey babe, anybody
  • Go to the Big Green Gathering again – Oh please. Please take me. Yes. Please. I wanna go. To the Big Green Gathering. Yes.
  • i want got moon – M-O-O-N spells “moon”, Tom.
  • get my Coastal Skipper certificate – I’m awful curious to see who you’re gonna pick for your “Gilligan”.
  • tom – Spells M-O-O-N, wait.. What?
  • less talkingMORE FLUFFING!
  • male menopause – Does not exist. It just means that your husband doesn’t want to fuck anymore.
  • buy turntables and create sonic chaos – Why not just bang on some metal pipes instead? Yeah, and record it and make mp3’s and then you can be in a noise band. Woo.
  • gargee banerjee – Oy-jay, ip-say? What the fuck-ay?
  • Drink til I get enough – You’re my kinda woman. Let’s ink-dray at the ar-bay, today..-ay.
  • be more naughty in school – Hey, you’re invited too..
  • smile involuntarily – I think that’s some form of tourettes, but I’m not quite sure. Ten points for being creepy though.
  • Send “thank you” gifts to the professors who wrote recommendations for me – Wouldn’t that technically turn them into “bribes”?


document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
6/20/07

(Today’s list brought to you accompanied by a piping hot bowl of mac-n-cheese and icewater.)

  • finish learning “i dont love you” – Yikes! Would love to find out how this ends..
  • go around to defrint plases of the world and bring bake trinkets and be a creatve persone such as (artist)(computer intel)(and every other opertunite) – I have no idea what this guy’s trying to say. Something about a creative bake sale to raise funds for a computer?
  • bisexual republican – ...A really tough thing to pull off? Better than a bisexual replicant, I guess.
  • stop daydreaming when people are talking to me 30 people – ...But if there’s 31 people.. You’re all about paying attention, yeah?
  • Virginia Military Institute (VMI) – A fine establishment indeed, where young men prepare for post-academy schooling such as Annapolis, West Point, and they learn the finer methods of sodomy.
  • Help people to understand that they do not NEED a romantic relationship to have a happy and successful life AND that they should LOVE themselves NOT CHANGE themselves – Dontcha hate it when someone comes to some revelation about themselves, usually through a traumatic experience or therapy or something and then decide that they’ve gotta fix the rest of the world shortly thereafter? Hey, babe! Go BACK to therapy. You’ve got some co-dependency issues to continue to work out!
  • to the mud run – ...No, wait, I meant, to the wayback machine, Seymour!
  • stop waiting for him, ‘cause he was never mine in the first place and he’ll never be back again – Wait, if he was never `yours’, what the…
  • hot someone – Get out the matches and gasoline, we’re gonna have BBQ tonight!!
  • become a footloose – Alright Kevin Bacon.. Time to come back to reality. You might’ve had it in 1984, but we’re sooooo past that now.
  • I WANT HAPPY – Don’t we all, Timmy.. Don’t we all.
  • Can the peaches!YEAH! With the exclamation point! Fuckin’ peaches! Fuck you, peaches!
  • Meet a women in a skintight latex catsuit! – While I applaud your goal in the fetishistic sense, (Hells yeah, brother!), I think that if you probably did ever accomplish this, she’d probably be a superhero of some sort, (catwoman?) and you’d likely be breaking the law, (villain?) in which case, she’d find your inappropriate hard-on a little out-of-place. Maybe even hit it with a stick or something.
  • sai OLa 2 AlLl bAhAHa – ??? Oh, sail away? Oh, sail away? Is that what we’re singing here?
  • a clothing line for the streetz and everybody the american dream for got – Incomplete thoughts abound today, it looks like.
  • destroy all syringes in da whole world – ...And you will suddenly find out just how many allergy sufferers there are and why they all want to smack you around.
  • visit the Sistine chapel…Rome – Is that where that fucking thing is? Goddamn it, I’d better cancel my plans to hit Pyongyang, NK to see the Sistine Chapel there.
  • I want to meet a bald man whose head is on fire, especially if that man’s flesh is made out of marshmallows. – I can see where you’re exploring the humor and all, but uhhh.. That’s really weird, ok?
  • fight in the olympics – Is there fighting in the Olympics? I thought it was all brotherhood in the spirit of competition or something?
  • help save the planet by making people AWARE – ...Of? Suicidal lemmings? Increases in cowboy hat production?
  • i wanna fukin marry ya – That’s so sweet. I’m flabbergasted, really. I just don’t know what to say. Oh wait, yes, yes I do. Get the fuck away from me.
  • think seriously about my plans on 25 Aug. – ...Wait, let me guess. The day you bring your shirts to the drycleaners? You’re going on a cruise? No, I got it.. That’s the day you’re going to go searching for bigfoot?
  • hi,I want to have the bigest company in the Middle East. – Hi! It’s called Shell Oil. Perhaps you could break into the relatively untapped middle eastern condom market? How about air conditioners?
  • i am studying to be a barrister (not the coffee kind lol) – Ahhh, yes. The coffee barrister. (They just keep getting smarter and smarter, don’t they?)
  • Fix sickly quad :( – Inoculate college students?
  • Splatter Paint to Music – “The word is `vagina’, Jeffery. `Vagina’. Does that word make you uncomfortable? `Vagina’?”
  • find a man who is capable of loving – Fine, the bet is on. I’ll find you a man capable of loving, if YOU can find me a woman who’s capable of not lying. (I can smell the subscribers clicking off, as I write this.)
  • yahoo hackers – Yahoo cowboys!
  • iranian Rap – Funniest music, ever. By the way, minus twenty points for not CAPITALIZING “Iranian”. Just because they’re dickwads, doesn’t mean you can ignore proper nouns.
  • Private – Benjamin? Parts? Parking?


document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
6/18/07

(Today’s list brought to you by a CARNIVAL OF FUN. Yes, it’s a carnival of fun. Complete with the carnies spinnin’ cotton candy and the white trash sneakin’ in the hooch.)

  • Who Are You? – I am he who walks behind the stalks?
  • To: Partner in Crime!! – ...Re: Dishes! “Look dude, I love the fact that we can go out and kick evil’s ass every night, but I do NOT want to come home to dirty ramen noodle dishes, festering in the sink anymore, ok? For chrissake, at least rinse them and put them into the dishwasher!”
  • stop wearing – ...Nipple clamps? Hemostats on your ears? Dog collars?
  • I KNOW the peices fit – Frustrated puzzle assembler #1,678.
  • to have agirlchatter – Decrease room temperature dramatically and remove all access to wool sweaters?
  • see every movie that Johnny Depp has ever acted in – Perfect example of how one man’s garbage is another man’s treasure. As far as I’m personally concerned, this would be less of a goal for me and more of a nightmare, or torture method.
  • three in a bed – A surefire method of marital disaster?
  • secret of success lies in working hard – What? And here I thought it was, `blow, blow, blowjob your way to the top!’. Aww man.
  • make an impact on people i meet – Hopefully practiced without the aid of a sock full of quarters.
  • acrobate – Masturbation, using Acrobat reader!
  • ride the trails at Stanky Creek – I dunno, I’m sure it’s beautiful and all but my optimal vacation destinations usually do not include the word, `Stanky’, or any variants thereof.
  • have him unblock me on msn – Dude.. You gotta let him go, chicka.. Just let him go.
  • post a picture of my nose BLING – Wow! Please, go ahead and do this. I’m dying to know what consists of `nose bling’.
  • blaze mad nug – Sing toy rug!
  • extreme poverty eradication – Is this where they eradicate poverty and jump motocross over big mounds of dirt?
  • Freeball for one week.HEY! You gotta keep that mouse.. Inna the house.
  • infomortials – Infomercials for the immortal. (“Are you bored? All your friends dead again? Two hundred years and nothing on the TV? Try `start-a-coup’! That’s right! You to can topple a small to medium sized country for just PENNIES on the DOLLAR! After all, what’s it matter to you? It’ll come full circle in another few hundred years!”)
  • use laura’s uterus to make a baby with justin and move to africa and name it rafiki – Initially I thought, `Grossest way to describe sex, ever.’ Then I noticed that the `uterus’ in question seems to belong to someone other than the author. That’s where we take a turn for the weird.
  • prevent the deterioration of the world – It’s called ENTROPY. Entropyentropyentropy. Entropy! Things decay, things fall apart. It’s an imperfect world.
  • kaboom never scrub – I don’t know about you, but I ALWAYS shower after explosions.
  • I have bachelor’s degree in information technology and I have been ordained and I want to my further in divinity. – What a waste of 4 long years learning code, eh? Just to find out that Jesus isn’t in the C#.
  • discover a permanent cure for head lice!! – Ohhhhh… I don’t want to know what the inspiration behind this goal was.
  • hello i am from Indonesia, and i don’t have any money to buy ps3. – Hello Indonesia! I am from United States and I don’t have any money, (or want for that matter) to buy ps3. Want to be friend now please?
  • WEARING A STRAP-ON – ...Will ensure you get plenty of odd looks from the other morning commuters on the light rail?
  • get a ps3 for free bicouse i live alone by my self and i dont have money to bye it so PLEASE!!! – Hello! I am from United States and I don’t have money for ps3. Same with Indonesia! We be three ps3 friend now please?
  • harrybackman – (Sung to the tune of `Particleman’ by TMBG.) “Hairybackman, hairybackman. Grossin out the girls, as much as he can. Hey what’s that crap, all over his back? Eww, fuckinhairybackman!”
  • This Person is the most unattractive person i have ever seen if you wish for this body you must seriously be blind!! – Ohhhhhh, hairybackman, hairybackman…
  • i want to meet a vampire i wish to know one to develup a friendship i also wish to realy undrstand what a vampire is not what they are played out to be…but on a happyer note if you are a vampire that can drumm good or know one that can please tell me – Lemme re-cap. You want to meet a vampire, and develop a positive friendship. You want to speak to this friend-vampire and get him to explain `what the dealio is’, however what you’d REALLY like is to meet a friendly vampire that drums? I mean, ok, cool. Sounds good. Sounds do-able. I fail to see what the problem is here. (Unless of course your friendly-drummin-vampire is like, really into Neal Pert and he won’t shut up with the ratta, tatta, ratta, tatta, RIDE CYMBAL, CRASH CYMBAL, badadadada, every 2 measures or so.)
  • Swear viciously at a customer – See.. You gotta watch out for this, because if I ever get you in a store, I’m gonna swear back and it’s not going to be pretty. In fact, I’ll probably make you cry a little. Since you’re traveling down this anti-retail road right now, how about you get a nice warehouse job or something?


document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
6/15/07

(Music, music, music.. I forgot how damn good My Bloody Valentine’s `Only Shallow’ is.)

  • Stick it to “The Man”, and make him cry like a baby… – Newsflash, it’s “The Man”. He’ll probably stick it right back to you, and most likely lodge it someplace where the sun don’t shine. Here’s an idea, Alonso Quixano, try a battle you might actually win, like, tackling those pancakes tomorrow morning?
  • prove that Trigonometry is useless – Ahh yes. Who needs astronomy, orbital mechanics, navigation, music, map making, electronics, biology or architecture? Hell, we’ll just “guesstimate” it, yeah?
  • screw him to death do us part – Now that’s a marrige that’s going to end well. Woohoo! Reminds me of my ex-wifes. Both of `em.
  • aprender a skiar bien (learn to ski) – Oh, thank god you clarified that. I thought you were asking for a can of “Skoal” or someshit.
  • be a warewolf friand – The closest I can approximate, this is some sort of bastardized southern-accent method of looking for “warez” traders? Anybody wanna jump in on this one?
  • Eat a marble – There are so many things wrong.. 1.) You must like causing intense pain to your anus. 2.) You must like colonoscopies, (remember `The Shining’? `Hereeeeeeeeeee’s Johnny!’ In the guise of a camera attached to a piece of plastic, probing it’s way into your bunghole.) 3.) You’re just not very smart.
  • pals – ...Don’t let other pals eat marbles?
  • Pass Taks – If this is anything like “eat a marble”, or the logical next-step of `eat some tacks’, then you sir… Are hardcore.
  • do a film director- ...And another “starlet” steps off the bus in Hollywood, ready for action.
  • not become super withdrawn when reading evolutionary psychology theories about universal standards of beauty or misogynistic things or things denying misogynistic things – Ahh, hablahablahabla, blah, blah.. Blah! Blah? Whatthefuck?
  • not get a brain tumor or brain damage or become a burn victim or get Terri Schiavo’d or lose a limb or eye or become paralyzed or hit anyone with my car or get cancer from my neuroses or get cancer in general or become a pygmy – I got everything but “become a pygmy.” What the fuck, yo? What’s up with pygmies? What’ve you got against the little people from Cameroon? Racist poopyhead.
  • Advance to Marksmen (MM) in IDPA, so I can shoot in the State match in September. Held in Romulus Michigan, only 30 minutes from me.HEY! I remember you from a few months ago! Only last time, you had, “I wanna meet a girl” in there somewhere. I can only assume that since you’re still pursuing competitive shooting that the girl things kinda went down the tubes?
  • want to go out, i never do this, because of school… – ...And if you think it gets any better in college? You’re sadly mistaken, sweetcakes.
  • be a sciencetest – ...And what would you do, as a science test? Fail everyone who picked on you in high school?
  • avocados – ...Scare the crap out of Le Mous.
  • move upstate (I think) – The “I think..” part in there makes me wonder if you do actually relocate, will you miss and end up in Canada? Would you notice it at first, or would the lack of a hospital bill throw you off?
  • write letters to anyone and everyone, not necessarily give them out – I can’t think of a worse waste of time, other than zapping ants with a magnifying glass on a sidewalk.
  • be like – ...Mike? Jesus? Grover?
  • kiss my – ...Ass? Grits? Muppet?
  • create an artist colony of small owner built Hobbit styled houses – What, you wouldn’t let in no engineers? No tech people? Just artists living in sandy holes in the ground? I’d flood you guys with a fire hydrant, just because I could.
  • Le Jardins de BeeQueen; making my world more beautiful one plant at a time! – Is this what happened to all the bees? They all went back to the bee queen woman? Does she have all our bees? Will she give them back?
  • meet a new, attractive man – See, most other people write goals like this but they usually put, “kind” or “healthy” or “good” in there somewhere. I fully realize that you’re hoping for the best here but from my point of view it sorta looks like you’re ready to leech off the next cute guy, pretty much until the next cute guy comes along.
  • off internet – ON internet. Posting goals!
  • Get revenge from my younger, spoiled brother… – Heyyyyy… Families are supposed to LOVE each other. (Well, ok. You caught me. I can’t even say that with a straight face.)
  • know the name which i played at my uncle’s house – Damn, I’d love to know the back-story on this.


document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
6/14/07

(This one brought to you by the yummy goodness that consists of “just because” cupcakes.)

  • change my name for another one you like – Oh, sweet. How about “Johnny Asscakes”, or “Nutbuster”?
  • Learn to love my flute – This one time, in band camp…
  • make YOU aware that flickr censors your images (in Germany, Hong Kong, Singapore and Korea) – I don’t live in Germany, Korea, Hong Kong or Singapore and I don’t plan on living there, so I’m gonna go ahead and continue to eat my cheerios in relative peace and quiet, without worrying about the plight of my little pictures.
  • huking email on hot mail – Huking? Hulking? Don’t make hotmail angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.
  • keep eating meatand not feel guilty – How many times do I have to get this point across? Big animals eat the little animals! You = big animal. Them = little animal! No, go! Go and be hungry!
  • SING IN THE GRAC OF THE LORD – You forgot an “E”, there killer.. And from my point of view, when I say this out loud it kinda sounds like “sing in the crack of the lord”, which presents a less than pretty visual.
  • get married asap – To those of us who are reading this goal, you’re either; a.) A poor bride who’s fed up with the planning process, b.) Pregnant as all get-out or c.) A complete fucking nut-job.
  • find what is more fun than workANYTHING??!! EVERYTHING??!!
  • be a hacker and make fake money – Woohoo! Shootin’ for both wire fraud AND forgery! You’re a winner with a capital “W”!
  • Help small, new, startup ministries get a website – Great. That’s all we need, more kooky religions on the intertubes.
  • make sauces that aren’t “watery” – Two words: corn starch. If you’re a little more daring, try a roux.
  • need a gals – Sounds like something you’d see on a strip-mall storefront in New Jersey.
  • want gurl – Want Girl? Try NEED-A-GALS! Only 19.95 a month!
  • I know sonic exists – Yeah, there’s one in Parker, just off of Lincoln. There’s one in Castle Rock too, I think.
  • get drunk before high school – I never understood people like this. High school sucked enough, why amplify it with liquor? Besides, most high school teachers are quasi-alkies anyway, they know when you’ve been drinking.
  • Get myself admitted into a mental institution so I can mess with the crazies. – I hope that one day, you suffer from some terribly debilitating mental illness and you get committed, then you run into a younger version of you.
  • Build a teepee and live off the land. – Iron Man? Iron Man! Up front, brother! Here’s a willing victim, errr.. participant.
  • See Rightous Men Stand Next to eachother and Build Towards Greater Things To Come. – You’ve been reading WAY too much Ayn Rand.
  • FIGURE OUT WHATS LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT – Whats love but a second-hand emotion? Whats love got to do got to do with it? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?
  • to follow the path showed by Allah – Stick with the Koran and the teachings of your Imam.
  • TAKE OVER THE WORLD, nah just jokes I’m going to become the general manager of a real flash hotel – My, how the mighty fall when presented with reality.
  • Defeat the squirrels! – Is there a squirrel-jihad that I’m unaware of?
  • single emos – ...Generally stay that way.
  • hike the highest point in each state – In Florida, that will involve a giant mound of garbage. Not kidding.
  • no what to do whwn your in troble and your parents have to come up yo school – Bend over and take it like a man. Oops, or a Wo-MAN, if that’s your bag.
  • Two Words – Snicker Doodles (or is that three?) – Two more words: Body Mass Increase. Or, Big Happy Fun Time Sugar Overload.
  • Um get emo hair? duh – Oh, how stupid of us to miss this.
  • wear a hat more oftenA HAT OF ASS???
  • build my own wrought iron fence around my own house. Or marry a blacksmith who will do it for me.IRON MAN! Hey, Iron.. Aww, fuck it. He’s kinda busy right now. Take a number. Or go directly to Home Depot, do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
  • take a bag of food to the Food Bank once a month – things they really need. – See? I like this goal. YES! Please do this! Please bring them good stuff instead of CANNED GREENBEANS and other such nonsense.


document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
6/13/07

(This brought to you by lunch at Panda’s and them fucking changing their egg roll recipe. Dammit, Gene was right. That shit tasted different!)

  • meet new people willingly – As opposed to being forced to meet new people at gunpoint?
  • live simply in Kuaui by eating free chickens and free fish. – Oh, in other words you want to be a bum. Go ahead, try it on. “Bum”. It’s okay, nobody’s judging here.
  • figure out Soprano’s ending – Dude, it’s just… over. There’s no David Lynch craziness, no plot-twists, no nothing. That’s it. Over! Fin! Kaput! It was a slice of life and it was entertaining, now feel free to go back to your regularly watched programming, like `Powerpuff Girls’ and `Cow and Chicken’.
  • ARE WEREWOLFS REAL? – No!
  • volunteer in Madagascar to help the lemur populations – Out of all the wacky volunteer things out there.. This is your choice? This is what you want to do?
  • explore Palo Alto – Step one, East Palo Alto. Stay AWAAAAAAAAAY. Unless you’re into that sort of thing and in that case, Hola Vato!!! Que pasa!!
  • really do Vegas – Assuming that `Vegas’ is a stripper?
  • i settled in canada – ...And all I got was this lousy t-shirt and Quebec wanting to secede every few weeks.
  • have the legs rick wants me to have – `Cause that’ll surely save the relationship, right? That’s the most healthy thing you can do, eh?
  • cook more.in order to learn it. – Should logically be followed by the goal, `buy more batteries for smoke detector.’
  • change my underwear – If you have to make a GOAL of doing this.. Ewwwwwww.
  • try being irresponsible and do the things I want to do without suffering the consequences :) – That’ll last, right up until you get to the state troopers.
  • get some nice pills – I like your style.
  • Live in Austin, Texas [not Austin Duplicate (Fix in progress), Texas] – Again, with the OCD.
  • become an- ...Astronaut?! Sword swallower?! 1914 Doughboy?!
  • Cash in a jar of pennies only to bet the proceeds on a horse with a phallic name – Certainly wins the `oddest goal of today’ award. I see two things that one could term `crazy’, the pennies and the phallic horse. I get the pennies, but how come `dick-horse’? What’s the draw of the horse-penis?
  • be comfartably popular – I would imagine that your popularity would greatly depend on your `beano’ intake.
  • stop being impulsive… hehehe its cool, but 2 many issues. – ..And thus, the `think before you act’ life lesson. I wonder how many situations you went through before you determined this.
  • Learn to use playing cards as a deadly weapon – “Is your card the.. SIX OF SPADES?”, “No man, it’s the Queen of diamonds. You’re totally wrong.”, (SMACK! THUMP!), “No bitch, it’s the SIX OF SPADES!”. “You! You over there! Pick a card! I SAID, PICK A GODDAMN CARD! COME BACK HERE!”
  • chase squirrels around like a crazy person – Hey, wait! Are’t you that crazy bum in Wash Park that does this and smells faintly of wee?
  • what is ashley`s e-mail – How much money you got?
  • Learn about chakaras – Oh! Yeah! That’s mexi-spanish slang for slippers! No, wait, that’s “chopas”. You must be referring to the hippie-crap? Wait, no. Otherwise you’d have spelled it right, “chakras”? Dude, just forget about it. Go back to the bong.
  • stop hanging with bad people that i’m nothing like – Well, you know the old adage.. lay down with dogs and all that.
  • people password – people locked! no people access!
  • Create a masterpiece while high – A haiku for you; Your art will suffer/when you run out of the doob/maybe try sober?
  • spit on a man – And see? I thought that we hadn’t crossed over into the whole `man-hater’ thing yet, but it appears we HAVE!
  • IM LOOKING FOR ACCOMODATION IN SAN DIEGO…WHERE IS THE BEST AREA?? THERES NOTHING ON CRAGISLIST OR BACKPAGE.COM. HELP MUCH APRECIATED!!!!!!!!! – Oh, sorry. Sure, no problem. Let me help. If you take the I-25 to the Broadway/Lincoln exit, you’ll get off traveling EAST on Broadway. Continue for 14 or so blocks, then make a left onto third, then a left again onto Broadway. Go up a block to 2nd and you’ll see a four-star hotel that only charges $20 a night. The oddly dressed guy out front? He’s the valet. Feel free to give him your car keys, he normally doesn’t exchange a tag, he’ll just remember you.
  • meet a juggalo – Which hs either got to be a gigolo with ENORMOUS TITS or a gigolo that runs around with jugs as part of his gimmick.
  • love a badass – Is this where women go wrong? Hon, you can fuck, suck, screw, screw over, kill, maim, stab and shoot a badass, but it’s when you cross that line of loving one? That’s when you’re going to get the ever-lovin’ snot beat out of you.


document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
6/12/07

(This post brought to you from the comfort that is Andy’s Pizza. God bless you, little high school girls and boys, makin’ my pizza spit-free.)

  • finish my enlish poem, but i cn’t becausei need inspiration partner also this website did not follow through with it’s conseption i will go in a different direction – The birth, life and death of a user’s interest, encapsulated all into one goal for your reading ease.
  • Andrew – The collective name of two guys in North Carolina that I know?
  • ok i wana make a few online games but i dont know how can any 1 help me – No.
  • Give Elvis Presley a kiss – My guess on how this is going to turn out; he’s going to smell pretty bad and you’re gonna barf.
  • have gr s s – What? What?! `Have great sex standing?’, `Have gristle?’, `Have great spelling stuff?’ What??!!
  • let life lead me; be like a river -
  • I want to know whether the passport is real and if it’s real how can i go about it. – One; passports are real. Two; you gotta ask your government if you can have one. If you have a shitty, shitty mean government, they’re probably not going to give you one or let you leave because they don’t want you to see how cool it is to live in other places.
  • My mum to let me smoke and drink (im 21) – If you’re 21 and you’re still being told what to do by your mum, there’s a MUCH bigger problem you might want to work on, besides starting out with the chemicals.
  • razor hair – Something that makes your head really dangerous?
  • billybobskin – Billybobforeskin? Billybobthornton’sforeskin? Inalittlebottlearoundangelenajolie’sneck?
  • find out about weed – Dude, fight the urge. It just makes you hungry, dumb, paranoid and giggly.
  • visit weed – I think you should tackle the above goal, might clear up some misconceptions.
  • see frerard live – See free retards, live? See free range retards live? What?
  • see movie jism – Try your local adult film theater?
  • enjoy world peace – Hey, wait.. when did that happen? I missed the memo.
  • record my miracles – Goin’ out for canonization, I see?
  • jerk a guy off – Follow the guy who’s headed to the adult film theater.
  • I want to becoming a free man – “You are Number Six.”, “I am not a number – I am a free man!” (Hey, wait. I’ve used this before.)
  • end all the lies about vampires – Yeah, like they’re snappy dressers and their hair always looks cool. You should go for it! I mean, I can’t tell you about how many goddamn frumpy vampires I’ve seen hanging out at the laundromat at night, wearing sweatpants, tracksuits, etc. Fucking no-fashion vampires.
  • Be Bob Dylan’s harmonica – That’s kinda gross. I hear he’s a `spitter’.
  • iwant to becom a gigalo – See those two guys walking towards the adult film house? Go! Maybe you can catch up.
  • Miscellaneous Stuff – Oo! My turn! A bottle of water, a thumbtack and a jockstrap!
  • I want to be listened to – What?
  • MAKE A GAME AND NOT SEE WHO DID IT!!!!!! – Is it just me? Because I really don’t understand this goal.
  • Smack the biyotch that screwed my friendship with my friend in Luxembourg – Hey, it’s not like your friend was completely innocent in this, dude. If he broke the `bros before ho’s’ rule, he’s kinda an ass.
  • find Jim Morrison´s body – Uh, it’s in France?
  • bang paul rudd. – Paul Rudd has a tiny penis. Don’t ask me how, or where, but he does.
  • how to steal car – Hey look! It’s Law and Order for real!
  • never eat an animal – I will never, ever understand people like this. Have you ever heard of natural selection? The food chain? Bigger animals eat the smaller animals? How is your logic going to stand up when you’re in the Serengeti and a lion is checking you out?
  • Paint something art-ish onto a piece of furniture. Something “too much,” something “cottage style.” Something copied from a masterwork, like the lady in the shell. – Like dogs playing poker??!! SWEET!!!
  • fly fish flats – The only airline that flies nothing but de Havilland Beavers, to and from lakes in Alaska. (Do deHavilland Beavers exist anywhere else, outside of Alaska?)
  • At 1st u’ll take my best wishes. I m an unknown & unseen person for u & u also for me. I want to friendship with u. r u agree or not ? I hope u’ll say yes. Plz say yes. I’ll b waiting for ur answer. At 1st u’ll – Please is it to cheeseburger time?


document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
6/11/07

(Soup, soup and a stolen coke. Two smokes and a terrible TV show that never ends. These are a few of my favorite things..)

  • wolverine powers – Consists of making marvel comics magically appear at will.
  • While drunk – Dress up as a chicken!
  • dress up a chicken – ...While drunk!
  • meet other female werewolves – There are only so many issues of `X-Men’ dude…
  • love my hot body – How about letting someone ELSE love that hot body for a while?
  • patrick stewart – Gotta love that bald, bald dome..
  • First thing in the morning – It’s MASTURBATINTIME!! (Then, we dress up as chickens.)
  • what is her email? dun make me blood go upstairs – I got everything up to `email’, then you lost me.. Some sort of new fangled way of saying, `Wow, that’s surely going to raise my blood pressure!’
  • While stoned – I’m really, really fighting the urge to say, `dress up like a chicken?’
  • Break my wrist… the Ulna – The Uma? The Opra? The Ulna? Ulna? Opra?
  • speak germen – It’s like… Mermen… but different.
  • be a superstar u guys i got talent – That’s so cool. Now how about another venti coffee, room for cream? Thanks hon.
  • wall china – Yeah, they kinda already did that.
  • Join the Air Force and watch Inuyasha – Well, for the first few months it’s gonna be more like, `Join the Air Force and do whatever the big bad man in the funny hat says.’
  • Love right. – Nooooooooo. Love Wrong.
  • identify clouds – Look, up in the sky.. That big fluffy thing? That’s a cloud. No, no, no.. that shiny thing is an airplane. Airrrr-plaaaaane. That little brown thing, that’s a bird.
  • bbq 2 – ...The REVENGE!
  • gordian knot – Big thing, can’t untie it. Used to moor big boats to stuff?
  • I want to buy some weed – I want to stand 30 feet from where you’re buying weed and laugh as you purchase a baggie of oregano.
  • blab – Shhhhhhhh.
  • I am inspired by the Divine Mystery – I am inspired by the Divine Mystery of rising gas prices. I am also inspired by the Divine Mystery of whiskey. Furthermore I’m inspired by the Divine Mystery of People Who Can’t Figure Out Turn Signals.
  • hook my dog up with Bubba – Let’s all hope Bubba brought a condom.
  • generate fire – Locate matches!
  • get a free psp please post it to 40,lawrence adebiyi street,ipaja,lagos.nigeria – How about some grain, or bread instead?
  • serve people more – Service industry job. (Or, my house, evenings and weekends. Basic knowledge of bartending required.)
  • Stop being fearful of food – Dude, I so got your back. Effin’ fruit and shit.
  • steam – Generate fire! Apply water!
  • be a firenzic scientist – Generate fire?
  • have THE TALK with my family – “Look here, family. That night, remember? When Bubba came by and picked up the dog? Well.. the dog’s pregnant”
  • bring the North Korean National Team to the USA – Which one? The `Fuck, I’m really hungry!’ team, or the `This shit sucks, when are we gonna pull a wall-comin’-down Germany maneuver, so I can get a decent pair of birkenstocks’ team?
  • Everything I Want to Do Is Illegal – Perhaps you should re-think your current approach to life?


document funny goals that I come across (read all 134 entries…)
6/7/07

(Today’s list is brought to you by.. well, the goal seekers themselves. What a bunch.)

  • oral on a horse – Sure… Ok…
  • wear a beret like I was born wearing one – Grabbing hold of that gay parisan thing with both hands, yeah?
  • I will do whatever it takes to meet you and do do all the things you like doing best with me in person. only when you are free – Stayyyy.. Awayyyy..
  • practice Catholic chivalry – Which would involve opening the door for women and lambasting them about abortion?
  • go to pukkelpop – What the hell’s a `pukkelpop’?
  • get over my fears, like snakes – So, like.. You’ve got a fear of snakes, or you’ve gotten over snakes?
  • be married and be loved forever, feel secured and safe from my father and those who tried to hurt me. i want to feel loved and i don’t want to be hurt again, i don’;t want to be dumped again and again – So much therapy in here.
  • remember that it’s not a problem, its a challenge – Oh piss off.
  • paint,draw,glue,mortar,wire,weld,create! – Snort,fart,eat,sneeze,cough,choke,DANCE!
  • become a precision instrument – ...Of horse oral?
  • take a picture of my wrist and check it daily it,i was close …. – To what?
  • This is not an actual goal…this is fermentation – ..And this is your brain on fermentation.
  • i want a ps3 because i dont enough money for buying it…..i am really short of money and the ps3’s cost is just too much for me please can i have a free ps3? i really really want it like mad – ...And there are people starving and dying all over the world.
  • hyaluronic acid – Iiiiiiiiiit’s a glyco, it’s in the eye-o, they say it’s a goo, and it’s inside you, the sun can killlll it.
  • BROTHERS AND SISTERS – People who should NOT DATE EACH OTHER!
  • find the guts to do loops in a glider – Number eight on the top ten list of things that will cause an unrecoverable stall in a glider. (No engine, no power.)
  • dipl^me – Nipple you!
  • i want 2 b a emo designer hairdresser – Great idea. Base your career around a fad.
  • date an Agent 47 look-a-like sans barcode tat on back of bald head, however, suit and tie – not optional! suit and tie – a must! – I can’t even read this. It’s code for “bring me some taco bell” isn’t it?
  • form a club for people who love to climb in trees, and arrange secret meetings (in trees) – Wait, how are you gonna get the keyboard and mouse to stay?
  • Fall to my knees in the middle of a crowd and scream “nobody loves me!”Observe results. – A lotta indifference, buddy.
  • earphone – toephone!
  • get my mom to stop making my join stupid web sites – A whole lotta therapy, part 2.
  • Solve the waterproblem – What waterproblem?
  • free member in runescape what day i get it ? – Right now! Siiike! Sorry, just kidding. Ok, now. Siiiike!
  • Learn how to better use gimp. – What you do in your bedrooom, is your business…
  • I want to wipe out humanity (no I am not joking) – Sheesh.
  • wake up in a city i don’t know with a hunky guy whose name i can’t remember – Most people would consider rehab, shortly thereafter.
  • raise 2-3 goats – But that’s all because any more and people would think it was crazy or something.


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