letmeout09

Into the night sky
I wish I could fly
So I won’t have to sit here and die
I wish tears came from my eyes
So you can see how my soul cries
I wish you were different
So I didn’t have to change
What makes me so angry
What makes me so plain
I fear the normal life
Wish I could live this life twice
Make no mistakes
And Be All I Can Be..
whatever that means.
Into the night sky
I wish I could fly
So I won’t have to sit here and die.

I have been writing in my paper journal for like two years, but I have recently converted to my laptop. My writing is sporadic and highly unorganized, but still, I would like to share it with the rest of the world. So here goes nothing..

Emotional Epiphany 8-17-09

I gazed into the stars tonight. I spun in a circle looking directly up into the stars. I kept spinning until all the universe was one and the stars and clouds above were one and it was absolutely beautiful. I kept spinning and spinning until I thought I couldn’t handle it anymore, but I just didn’t want the image to go away. Eventually, when I did stop my spinning, I tried to look down but everything just seemed wrong, so I looked up back into the stars. When I did, everything seemed to be okay again, and I mean everything. What I took from it was that sometimes this life may look crazy but we just have to look up. If we look down, then everything just gets worse and we may have the tendency to get lost or even fall down and might not be able to get back up until the craziness stops, but by then, if ever, it may be too late.
We are all here and that is all that matters.. for now. What I mean to say is we do not have to worry about what is going to happen or how we got here or even why we are here. All we have to know and understand is that at this moment we are here. The next moment does not matter, it is only this current moment in which we live in that is relevant to You. And isn’t live such a powerful word? To live is to be great and euphoric in every moment. There is no time for sorrow or anger or madness, but in the world in which we have built around ourselves, these things are inevitable. Everyone most have an all natural spiritual and emotional experience to a degree in which they are able to free their mind, their soul, and their life. You see tonight, I felt, saw and heard the universe in its entirety. All life is possible and based around energy. This universe and everything it contains has a constant flow of energy. Not all energy is positive though. Sometimes, beings of our race will call upon bad (negative) energies. These can ruin a person and their soul, sometimes to a point to which they cannot recover. I should know, I accepted an energy which was not my own during my teenage years and it completely changed my character and I am still trying to find my self again.
I love you and I’m out. Peace.

Redemption in the Stars 8-18-09

Everybody in my family is so fucking miserable, and I regret to inform my audience that it has affected me. I try to connect with them and reveal a part of me, but every time I do, they either mock me, think I’m messing around, or just completely blow me off. No one ever has anything useful for me. It feels as if I am on my own. Sometimes I feel it just isn’t worth it and I should end it all.. But suicide is not the answer for me. At least for now. I must give life a chance and see what can be done on this stupid, fucking earth of ours. I believe we ruined ourselves with technology. We made our lives easier so we wouldn’t have to live to survive. What the geniuses of our past didn’t realize is that all this life is is survival.
People always say “we were put here” but I must ask, “who the fuck put us here??”
I’m not blaming them or anything, but this is just a fact of my life; my parents fucked me and my brothers up, figuratively speaking of course. They have too many unresolved problems within themselves to try and raise someone else from birth. It’s like they don’t even try to fucking face their so called “demons”, they just work and move along with everyone else. This seems stupid to me, but this is what is happening everywhere. People don’t try and change the world that they are living in, they just go with the flow. If everyone stood up for what they believed or did what they wanted to do and quit worrying about what everyone else’s next move might be then we would have a straight ass world.
Also when I was feeling the vibes of the world last night, I could feel our house blocking the flow of energy. It was just like it stopped right there and all the energies moved around it. Basically, this house is not a home. Maybe I have reserved feelings that are unpleasant and directed towards my family and the later part of my childhood home. I wish mom and dad had decided to stay in the city instead of coming out to fucking dead-ass baker county. I am sad to say it, but I think I lack respect for my mother and father. Our family is not close at all. We, I believe, all feel bad for each other, and instead of being real we try to hold our tongues and our thoughts as to not further emotionally injure another. My brother cal is fucking weird and I believe him to be most of the causes of my family’s emotional distress. He is just a douche bag and refuses to move on from childhood. He cannot fit into the world outside of his parent’s house, so he manipulates everyone and casts bad vibes everyone. Cal lives to fuck with people. I feel sorry for my parents. They are just straight up sad. My oldest brother has broken this family. And he blames it on everyone else except for himself. He should just leave or kill himself, but not in the house because I don’t think anyone here would want to clean it up. Even before I wrote that last sentence I knew how disgusting, hateful, and unnecessary it was, but this is the hatred that has been stirred in me. And plus this is just for me to vent so I can get some of these thoughts out of my head. They have been driving me crazy. I need social interaction. I crave social interaction. But I have isolated myself. First I got into drugs and cut myself off from everyone who was clean and sober, and now I don’t want the drugs anymore, which leads to me losing all of my druggie friends. I fucked up, though I will admit I am quite young in this society into which I am unfortunately a part of, and have plenty of time to create a new life to where my previous mistakes will be irrelevant.
I have recently found out that I can find comfort in the stars. They let me know that there is more out there than just me, than just this. This meaningless existents to which I unwillingly was brought in to. But back to the stars. As long as I have the stars I have redemption.

As long as I have the stars I have redemption.

Intellectual Flow 7-28-09

A child born into a world misunderstood. He weeps for mankind and its wicked ways, wondering if it will always be the same. Make no mistake, he too felt the urge of evil but realizes that nothing this sinister could ever be worth it. The only thing he felt should matter was being righteous. Righteous and good to everyone and everything, living, breathing, inanimate, it mattered not for we are all made of the same. Freedom should not even be an issue, for we are all alive. Who are you as a mere man, brittle and easily broken, made of flesh, bone and blood, claim to be the master of another? Who says you are to decide the fate of another being?? Our destiny here on this wonderful planet of ours is not to start senseless wars, no matter how big or small, over another mans creation that we deem important. I cannot tell you our calling, only that it is not hatred. It is up to you not to follow your brethren down paths of wickedness; it is up to you to speak for those not spoken for; and it is up to you to make a difference in this world. Everything has a life and is living; who are you to take that away, when the one next to you can easily decide your fate?
I feel great sadness for the people of the world when all we can do is become angry when we are wronged and not simply try to help our brother defeat his evils and define his soul in a way that would warm his heart, make him the man he was born to be and free his mind from the wickedness instilled inside of him from a young age by millions of other men who were just as lost but tried to speak their wisdoms even though they were not wise at all. And though I talk great pains of the world and its people, I shall not lose hope and I urge you to do the same. If you notice a wrong, try to make it right, and if you find yourself incapable, at least expose the evil for what it is and allow your fellow man to rid the treacheries of this world. Let the wicked man know that it is only negative towards life. And speaking of, I do not believe in good or bad, right or wrong (though sometimes this is the only way I can describe what I see or feel), evil or sanctified, no, for I only believe there is positive or negative consequences to our actions. Things in this life of ours only affect us positively or negatively. Tis true I think only in the broader spectrum of things. I think my reason for being in this life is to inform the people of the world that they are heading down a most detestable path. We should live righteously for we have nothing else to do. In this day in age, people can only seem to speak of the pain. Well, I believe this is not how it should be. We have grown as a people and made life easy for ourselves, but now we stress over meaningless things; money and power only breed jealousy and greed; Jealousy and greed bring about only sadness and violence, as well as death and destruction. If every single person was good to every other single life on this planet and worried not about the social consensus or what people may think if they actually gave a damn about the greater good, then the consequences would be utterly positive. We have a sweet and happy, as well as lustrous opportunity laying just in front of our faces, but we are blinded by worldly concerns. This makes no sense to be this fucking ignorant. There is no reason even one person should go without anything necessary to their survival when the whole system that holds them down is entirely make-believe. We determine who gets what and what is what, when in fact the what really doesn’t matter at all. Every person who is alive on this planet should know that this is their one life that will ever concern who they are now, but that person must also realize that every other thing that they see is in the exact same position they are in. Now you may not believe me about things that are not alive, but you still lock animals in cages and kill insects like they are useless and not apart of the same life as you. People and their ignorance make me sick. And I know this wasn’t a structured paper at all, but this is what I just had to write down. I ranted on with my fingers moving swiftly across the keyboard on my Toshiba laptop. In fact, I intended to write a piece of literary fiction but some of my philosophies about life came directly from my 18 year mind to this computer screen; An eighteen year old boy who is moving rapidly towards becoming a man (whatever that means!). And I no longer depend on my parents, with the simple exception of housing arrangements and one day hope to change the world so they can depart from their existence in peace. I know I am no where near ready to take on the problems of the world for I have not even conquered the problems within myself. But I do know that one day, if I can make to that time, I shall change the world and derive it from all of its evil ways. Remember though, it all starts with you, so make a difference.

Intellectual Flow 7-29-09

People of our world must realize that when and only when they decide to give up all of their luxuries entirely will the evils of the world be abolished.

My fascination with murder comes from the knowledge that life is precious and meaningful. For someone to take the power of life into their own hands and crush it amazes me. How can someone care so little for any life as to just end it?? And since no one that I have met has any actual, sustainable knowledge of the “after-life”, I cannot comprehend how one can take the life of another so casually. I am perplexed by serial killers and their nature. Are they addicted to the thrill of the kill, as well as the many emotions that follow? Do they crave those feelings because at every other moment of their lives they are hollow? Or are they simply emotionally numb and enjoy feeling the strong vibe from someone before they knowingly have their life taken from them? What drives a killer? I believe it to be an addiction (or possibly a game), but how did they become addicted (or why do they play the game/how did they get started)? Did they become bored with life and figured it amusing to take what they saw as another meaningless life? Or is it simply from a flawed personality so graciously bestowed upon them from someone who impacted their life in an earlier time, possibly some time in childhood?

And speaking of time, every time is the same, because every time is right now. No matter when it was, it was always right now, or right then for that matter. Time is a conundrum in itself. Time itself is a paradox. But if there was nothing before time and if there will be nothing after time, was there ever a time? Am I really? Was I really? Will I ever really be? It would be pointless, as well as senseless, to spend your whole life trying to discover the answer to moronically genius questions such as these.

I fear that I am trapped inside my own intelligence. I fear that I am trapped inside my own mind. If I expose my writings or expose my true self, will my peers really understand me or accept me for that matter? Is there a place or a time in which I can fit in and discuss my inner thoughts with others without having to worry about judgment? Are time and space irrelevant? Are time and space time and space? Why the fuck do I ask these questions and will I have ever found the answers to them? Can I not just live? Will I ever stop contradicting myself within my own self? I am FUCKING CONFUSED, but at the same time I am absolutely certain. I love life and all its mysteries. It feels as if in this day and age everything has been done and everything has been thought of as well as answered, but I obsess over these timeless questions because they shall never be answered on this planet in this life. Either the answers shall come from an alternate life form or they will be answered in the life after this one I am currently living. Or maybe these kind of style of thinking was never to be thought? Maybe this is the knowledge the fabled Adam and Eve were warned against obtaining. Maybe this is why they were cast out of the garden, because they thought too philosophically and discarded the realistic point of view. Maybe their ,“creator”, knew that if they were exposed to this thought process then He would be pushed away from their minds. Strangely enough though, I do believe in a some sort of alternate life form greater than us that has predetermined our fates and will decide where our matter, energy, or soul will be placed in the next life. If we live righteously then our next life will be one of bliss and spent at our own paradise, but if we shall follow the wicked ways of the world then our next life will be one filled with treachery and great deals of pain and suffering, or we could end up somewhere between the two, depending on our choices and actions in this life. Or maybe we create our own heaven or hell in this life based on our choices and outlook. If you steal, you surround yourself with thieves, if you do drugs you are surrounded by drug addicts, but if you live righteously then you shall be surrounded by the best life has to offer. Tis all yet to be answered, but one day we may know that we don’t even need to know, until then though we just have to live and do what makes sense to who we are. And if you don’t like what you do, then you need to take a look at who you are. Just do the best you can and live righteous as a man. Holla back. -T.O. 7-31-09