lifebeginsnow18

Well i didn’t binge yesterday…but i still purged. Birthday dinner…i ate more than i should’ve – but it wasn’t a binge format.

Today i started bingeing…i had four hours where i didn’t really have to do anything…i had plenty of things i should do today – heaps actually but i guess that made me anxious. The things i was planning on doing i couldn’t really do and instead of doing something else or working around it – i just binged. However i was totally aware of the consequences and pulled out. It was a binge as such but i was aware of it the entire time. I didn’t grab all off the food available…i took only what was mine to eat…no denying it was still a binge but i did exercise some self control – or an element of holding back as i knew i had no money to replace what wasn’t mine. This isn’t excuses…i know i binged and purged…but i;m not beating myself up about it i guess.
As i was driving home – the biggest urge to binge overcame me – i craved it so badly, but then i thought about what it was that i wanted to eat over, I realized work was a nightmare, and i had made some mistakes which knocked my confidence. Instead i acknowledged it and let it go.
However when i got home we were having another birthday dinner It was just a normal style dinner but i’t wasn’t a healthy diet dinner and it also had cake. After the piece of cake i immeadiately wanted more. So when no one saw i secretly stole 2 pieces. I ate these quickly and then immeadiately started looking for my next hit of food, but i realized i was tired and instead went to purge. I tried to purge only the cake…i had no intentions of bringing it all up only the last bits i shouldn’t of eaten.

Today by no means was a successful day, however it wasn’t a disastor. I didn’t spend over 1 hour being bullimic – which is an achievement. I didn’t think i could do it days ago.
Hopefully I am starting to acknowledge and understand my ED more.

xoxo Del

Today was as horrible as i had anticipated. I spoke to a psychologist that had no idea and was utterly frustrating…she just made me angry. Another wad of wasted money.
I binged…well not exactly. By no means was it huge, it wasn’t even really considered a binge maybe just a large meal, but i had to get rid of it, but at least i only binged once, and at least it only lasted for 45 minutes. That at least is improvement from the 4 hours that i binged yesterday.

The only thing i felt was being uncomfortable. As i was eating the food i knew i would have to get rid of it unless i stopped, but i knew i couldn’t stop…No i knew i wouldn’t stop.

Tomorrow is going to be difficult, i’m getting paid so i will be able to purchase more food. Definate self control will be needed!!!
Lets hope tomorrow will be binge free!

It hasn’t even begun yet and i’m scared. I’m nervous at failure, angry at my mother’s help, frustrated with her love and irratated by my own deceitfulness.
Sometimes when i fall low i toy with the notion of suicide. I doubt i could ever do it, but that’s what i think right now when i’m feeling relatively stable. By no means am i happy, but i am far removed from depression at the moment – but that too can change within hours.
I’m not saying i want to die, because i don’t right now, i feel hopeful and i’m anticipating a new life. The notion of renewal is lifting my spirit. Right now i could never do it. But what if this attempt at beating Bullimia fails, what if i fail and sink back into the habits i’m only now clawing out of. What would i be capable of doing then.
I know how low i feel when i fall back down. I feel trapped in an existnce that i can’t control. In an existance that has become compulsive, irresponsible, love – less, failure plagued and miserable. If i go there again who knows what i might try and do this time to try and escape…because i know one thing is certain….

I cannot take crawling out of my warped shameful existence to once again fall back in deeper and deeper. I don’t want to be a warrior aainst this, i’m tired from my climb, i wish i could take my actions back that began these feelings. I wish i could change…i hope i can change…i know this time i have to change because i am not going back.