limety

Lol I think nowadays I’m pretty much known for not caring what people think, like I’m always the one who does or says somethink and everyone else is like “people are watching” and I’m like “well who cares”

The thing is, I don’t care about the opinions of people I don’t know or like, witch gives me a lot of freedom to do all kinds of crazy stuff. I don’t just say I don’t care, it really doesn’t bother me if a random grandma thinks I’m crazy. What takes my energy is thinking how I should behave so the right people could think the right things about me.

So I’m kind of afraid that if my friends find out who I “really” am they wont like me anymore and thats why I don’t even know myself who I am since I’ve always tried to hide it… because I care so much.

I wish I knew who I was.

I’d never want to be the one who says I love you and doesn’t hear it back. When I was like 16 I had a boyfriend witch was a total disaster but when I decided to end it he went all clingy and actually sent me an SMS saying that he loved me witch made me feel even more i-want-to-jump-off-the-window. I don’t even know if it’s possible to love someone if the feelings aren’t mutual but it’s not possible that in every relationship the people fall in love with each other at the exactly SAME TIME since these feelings need to be developed first. Yeah a couple of weeks ago me and my girlfriend were both reeally drunk and had a sort-of-fight and I talked about not wanting to get “hung up” on her and she just started crying and kind of said that she loved me but I don’t even think she remembers it since she was so out of it but it felt sooooooo weird. But yeah, I’ve still heard it twice but never yet said it.

So yeah, I guess I don’t want to feel it until I’m sure the feelings are mutual. But I still would never want to be the one who says it first even though I do belive that it becomes “true” in a sense, at the moment when you say it out loud.