littleduck

I’m not going back ever again.

It took me an entire day on my knees in prayer, begging God to help me. He told me I needed to help myself and go confess to my bishop.
I was terrified, because every time I had thought about doing that over the past ten years made me sick with shame. But I was so tired, and I just wanted to be free, and I didn’t want to fight God. So I made an appointment.

Yesterday morning I did the best thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. I confessed my sins, and I finally felt forgiven. During the interview I couldn’t look my bishop in the eye out of shame as I was telling him what I’d done, but at one point as he was talking to me about Christ’s love for me and that it was okay to let it go, I just breathed out the deepest breath, like something had been cast out of me….

And the rock in my stomach was gone. I could lift my face up. I felt lighter than air.

I don’t feel chained down by this addiction anymore. I’m going through the LDS 12-Step Program and it has changed my life.
It’s finally over.

Oh my gosh. It’s over. I’ve never felt this happy.

I might feel temptation in the future, but after going through this, I don’t think I’m as weak as I was before I decided to stop. I think that with the Lord I have the strength to just say no.

Guys, thanks for being there for the past few years and helping me build up to the point where I could summon the courage to finally end the torment. There’s light above this pit, and Jesus Christ took my hand and pulled me out.

I love my God. I love my Savior. I love my bishop. GUYS I JUST LOVE LIFE!!!!!! FREEDOM IS ATTAINABLE!!!!!! <3

I’m feeling disgusted with myself and so discouraged. Am I really this weak? I feel like I’ll never conquer this. I’m so sick of this feeling. I’m so disappointed in myself.
I’m so angry with myself.
I want this to be over for good.

I just want it to be over.

And feel disgusted as ever…

But I don’t think I’ve gotten this far in a very long time. Next time. Next time. Addictions take time to break. I’m a little bit stronger than I was before. I can do this.

I want to thank TrueFreedom – thank you for your support and encouragement and your uplifting posts. I recently read something you wrote about taking it one day at a time and not forcing yourself to think of overcoming this in the long-term. I think that is wonderful advice and I hope to bring it into my life this time around.

The battle last night was lost but the war isn’t over. I’m going to beat this. I can’t not beat this. I want to be myself again.

Day 1 (hopefully the last Day 1)!