littlep

10 yrs after last contact, hear shes been asking how to contact me, so we’ll see if its true, i hope so.

have to preserve what sanity remains, advised not to do this at this point in my life, too close to home.

time, thats all.

went loopy, turned into ocd freak. told by psychotherapy woman to stop it, now! all i did was follow the tasks (all be it religiously and a bit creepy obsessively)in the book, but told its so out of date it was making me worse not better. was gonna cheat and just read last page so i could say ive read it, but this is just for me so why lie to myself. weirdo.

made speedy recovery but couldnt fix me. Spent 8 months getting life sorted and had to decide what i want to do in life realistically. From outside i look like a normal girl,inside hip like been hit by car.An out of control skoda probably.

im not ready to have kids, but have to choose if i ever want them i need to have them all in next 5 yrs, after next op wont be able to, will be made of metal. looking forward to setting off alarms like robocop.

only few people know op wasnt success, easier to say yeah im great thanks, op was fine, than truth, can avoid talking about it then.

one friend whos just had a baby wont stop bringing it up and saying i should pop one out now, like her,i keep saying im not ready and its making me anxious, i want to live my life more first, shes doing my head in. if i turn into a baby obsessed bossy meany monster you can keep the sprogs.

New boss is a knob, when i have to sit down he makes comments, jokey but i end up standing all day to avoid it, then hurts like hell when home, coz im too chicken shit to stand up for myself.

Am doing new list of what i want to achieve now, can finally face getting rid of unattainable entries, who wants to be a black belt in karate anyhow, its not like im going to meet a kick ass ninja to fight round here, more likely to floor an old granny with my handbag in the village shop.

Realised it just takes time to get over stuff, then it just happens when you least expect it. Can sit for up to hour in silence without bad stuff. its brilliant!

Only 48 hours till op. Scared and bit panicky but looking forward to doing things ive not been able to do. Even had v.painful waxing done so i look good on camera during op!
my first goals: hiking, indoor skydiving, go karting, completing kama sutra challenge, abseiling, running but mainly just being able to go for a walk. N wont know whats hit him.

N-letter hidden in back of good things diary, just incase, you know how i like to cover all bases. Morbid but they havent done this op before so not taking any chances xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Finally cracked it. N suggested i get up half hour earlier for work so dont have such a rush. Done that for 2 wks now and as soon as i get up i do 150 situps, 20 pressups, 30 lunges and 10 squats.

Only takes 15 mins and end up feeling so energised for the day. And its free. Now so fit,toned and love my body been parading round naked, N very happy.

Did leave it a bit late before op but didnt take long to show results and now ive done it i should recover quicker.

Big chill off for me this year till had surgery. Gutted, but no way id be able to walk round it. With the non-stop rain predicted all summer id probably make a tit of myself by falling over and slipping round in mud anyway, so saving embarrassment all round.

other students noticed id been working out, when i changed in class. (do dressmaking so big part is trying on clothes weve made) top i was fixing had to be taken in a bit as i have start of my six pack coming back. Felt great that all my hard work is now showing.

Went to gym after work and then sauna – still have it to myself, its great.

but i know one day it will be like the last place i joined. I went into steam room, couldnt see well as had taken contacts out and very steamy, went to sit down and suddenly the steam cleared and the place was full of hairy men everywhere. It was like gorillas in the mist.
Felt so stupid but pretended not to mind as they all budged up for me and i squeezed in, as if i do that sort of thing all the time. n then came in, saw me and laughed his head off and walked out.

had big appt about hip operation. having it done in September so surgeon can be trained in next 2 months for it (he’s off to london to operate on dead bodies, then a couple of live ones – no joke) as i will be first to have revolutionery new type of op for my condition in this area, as im only 27 they think its a good idea.

50% chance i would still end up with 6-8inch scar down leg and metal screws inside holding it together but worth trying it just incase. Always wanted to be able to set off metal detectors at airports. If id thought more i would have added it to my 41 things. 2 months off work, 6 months for full recovery. have asked for a pink zimmer and crutches, must customise my cripple sticks.

Otherwise i face having a hip replacement in my 30’s once osteoarthritis sets in. The vain bit of me worried about big scar. Might not feel like baring all in my calendar goal, but got loads of great past photos think i could create one from south of france collection.

Was told i wont be able to go to Big Chill Festival, so wont be ticking that off my 41 things either this year. Most gutted about that, love seasick steve and loved steve frost since the early ‘whose line..’ days when i was even littler. maybe i love all steves…..

did 3 full days of 8 glasses a day! worked a treat using eggy timer, then weekend visiting family it all went pearshaped and i went back to old bad ways.

But monday morning back on track and have done it today aswell. feel so much better for it and skin looks clearer.

Even exceeded 8 glasses today after unintentional hot curry and drank full pot jasmine tea! I could be going too far the other way soon. Not going to click ‘ive done it’till done 14 days in row. only downside to carrying eggy around in bag,is sounds like i have a bomb with me ticking away (as old lady in doctors told me!)

Had loads CBTherapy.
Been inpatient at worst time. Anything can be got over with the right therapy and lots of hard work. Having EMDR for last bits. feel sorry for people who hurt me. if i had to live life again i would want everything single incident to happen the same, it has made me such a strong person with more life experience than anyone i know.
Only 1 regret in my life – spent too long putting off visiting nan. when i finally made it to see her altzheimers was way too advanced and she couldn’t remember me or talk anymore. Never forgive myself for that. now i never put off seeing anyone, no matter how anxious. you never know if its the last time.

got tickets through for cornbury festival in a couple of weeks, only going for 1 day, as training for big chill(3 days). If all goes well might be able to book tickets for big chill.

went to gym again today after work. Still bit tired from trip to Cornwall, but worth it. Sunday non-stop rain but it was fathers day so dragged my dad, brother and n out to perranporth beach went walking, got quite wet but quite refreshing. Went up cliff until storm clouds descended and knew it was time to get shelter. Barbeque was cooking in Wateringhole on beach so we all stuffed ourselves watching the sea and the few mad surfers left. Was so nice having us all together. Next day walked on fistral while n took photos. So much easier to go walking in gorgeous places.

Drunk eight glasses of water already today and still going. Never pee’d so much in my life. Gave up yesterday coz setting my mobile each hour was too much hassle.

Then had brainwave-’eggy’my egg timer(im so original)would be perfect. So today i put him in my bag and went to work. Every hour he would go off, id pour and down a glass of water, then put him back on for another hour, and so on.

As i work on my own, twice had to get a trusted customer to keep an eye on shop while i popped to loo, minor embarrassment small price to pay for being healthy.

I found id get thirsty before an hour was up, so downing next glass was welcome.Got a college class tomorrow so hope i can keep this up, eggy is in my bag ready, i dont care if everyone laughs at me – i’ll be the smooth clear skinned one in the end.

Have just emailed Bristol person at samaritans to see if she knows of an Edmund, as think he might be in that branch – didnt really take in details back then. Fingers crossed.

My search for Edmund starts tonight. Going to see if through samaritans website i can get a message to him. Now ive totally changed my life and are happier than i have ever known im trying to right any wrongs and thank people who helped me back then. just want him to know how well iam and that im helping others now with the amazing words he told me, that changed my outlook forever.

Legs back working today, walking normally so going to go to gym tomorrow morning to celebrate. Going home to Cornwall on Sunday, 7 hour round trip, to go for a walk with my family along the cliffs told them to expect a hike as im feeling sprightly. Once i start exercising i want to keep doing more.

had another CBT appt. feel great for it. She wants me to try EMDR for breaking down past memories to get over stuff. Doing plan of all places abroad id love to go but cant. Havent booked next session yet, got to concentrate on hip op, but still making myself go out when i dont want to and not avoid people/situations, not going to slip back, ive come too far.