Finally, our fights have diminished considerably. To my surprise, she is the one that has changed more. As much as I tried to find different ways of getting along with her, she has made a big effort to keep the peace between us. I’m not sure why, if it’s because of her new relationship with God, or because her anger has subsided, or because she is trying to be the bigger person. Regardless, I can tell that she was the main source of our fights. I still address her with a strong firm voice when I’m trying to get a point across – the same I learned from her – but there’s a difference, she listens and doesn’t fight me. That means a lot to me. She also cries when I put my foot down about certain things, for which there’s no reason to cry, but I call her on it instead of letting myself being manipulated. It’s hard, no one wants to see her mom cry, but I have to understand that she is not okay emotionally right now, and at her age, she will use her old ways to survive and still try to control me.
I’m about to turn 36 and in so many ways I’m still like a child. She doesn’t want to let me go and I don’t really want to move on either. I’m too afraid of letting go, getting my own life and then losing her. I think she successfully was able to put strains on me, no matter how far we live from each other.
My heart breaks every day because I know she is in pain because she lives alone. She misses my dad so much and loosing him like that is almost too much to take. He was just fine and suddenly we lost him. I can barely take it myself. She is stronger than I though, but we are damaged for life. I often feel that it’s up to me now to repair the damage, but how can I? I could never fill in his shoes. I feel I need to get married and have babies so I can make us a family again. I also need to have a good career to justify the fact that I left my country and my family and now she has to live alone because I don’t want to move back in with her, but I don’t see how that is good for me. I see how that is good for her, but what about me?
I know that kids take care of their parents in their old age, but what if you didn’t get your life going yet? Is this my punishment for not finding a life this whole time I’ve been away? Being with my mom is not a punishment, I love being with her, but having to move back into my teenager room, leave the city I live in and what is now my home, give up all my freedom and having to ask for “permission” every time I want to go out or if I want to move the toaster to a different place, be scolded every time I leave something out of place, literally becoming an adolescent living under her mom’s ruling again freaks me out. Who wants to do that? Moving back to just keep her company and watch out for her health means having to live ender her rules. She is in relative good health, but I live with the fear of the what if something happens and she is alone. She rather have me living with her and she has warned me – even when I’m just visiting – that if I’m in her house I have to follow her rules otherwise she will get too nervous and that might affect her health. It’s a bit unfair. Then I think of all that she has done and given up for me and it makes me feel that she owns me because I owe her so much. She doesn’t say that but she does remind me often of the sacrifices my dad and she made for me so I could pursue my dreams. The fact that not all of them have come true makes her say “well, if you are not successful where you are at, can’t you try to be successful back here? Doing that means giving up my chance to still find my life. She really is controlling and me being an only child doesn’t help.
As I write this I see how she is trying to get what my dad provided for her through others, including me. She is struggling to adapt but she freaks me out with all her fears. She makes me feel like my life is over, like our life is over and we don’t have much time to get our lives together. She wants me to be prepared for loosing it all because she feels like life is over. She addresses all the negative stuff constantly and I can’t live with this sense of impending doom on a daily basis.
I’m still away, and I feel selfish for wanting to live my life because that means she will still be alone. If she would accept the changes and say “If I don’t want to be alone I have to make an effort to be with the ones I love instead of hoping they will come to me” I think our life would improve. I understand she is afraid of flying and she is set in her ways, and if I have to take care of her I will, but I wish she…
Life is not perfect. I was lucky enough to have so much. Now I don’t know what to do. I just hope I honor my mom and do the right thing. I need God to shine a light on my path. She has made a big effort, I know that. If I only knew how much time we have left here on earth, if I knew, how would that change things, what would I do differently?
As of today, I feel like I’ve done my best to honor my mom. I have loved her and fought with her out of love. I have put her first and I have tried to reason with her the meaning of our lives. I hope God grants me the wish of having my own family and share it with her, since I can no longer do it with my dad.
In my heart, I honor my mom. I’m no longer angry at her. I needed her to love me and not fight me so much so I could be able to rest. It’s hard to honor someone when they fight with you and take out their frustrations with you just because you are their “child”. She is getting better at this. I have some relief there. It was hard to live with the burden of not being a great daughter. I guess she is letting me honor her more now, that’s the only way I can recon ciliate what’s going on now.
I’ll keep living I guess and wait and see what God has in store for us. I’m so scared, my hope is low, but I’ll honor my mom all the days of my life.
I'm doing 40 things
