lookingatthestars

I said no… as Christopher died almost a year ago… It will be one year June 5th. But the good thoughts that my friends and strangers wrote on 43T and sent to me though a variety of ways meant alot to me and kept me going at the time. I am marking this goal complete as there is isnt a reason to think good thought FOR him anymore… he is gone. Nothing can be done about it…. all my wishes and prayes and thoughts cant bring him back….

This day last year was the day my hell began….
Today… hell began all over again but for my best friend ( and me I guess by association)
S is my closest friend and the closest thing I have to a sister. We’ve been each other’s rock since we were 13 ( we’re now 35) and been through everything together…
This morning she called me to say that her perfectly healthy and wonderful mother had died in her sleep at the age of 64. SHOCK is not the word for it.

Today my heart hurts all over again…

For the way I can only imagine S and her brother must be feeling. They lost their dad 2 years ago ( he was 85 and although sad and heartbreaking it was not unexpected) and now it is just the two of them

It hurt for the scene i walked into today at her house with the police and ambulance there – like a deja vu of mum’s when Christopher died

Although I try and see that it’s not just me feeling these things and hurting this way… my heart still hurts for Christopher and all the other losses I’ve had…. these are not washed away by S’s tears today. They’re still here.

How do I grieve and help her also…. my heart hurts thinking I’m going to fail one of these things

Life just doesn’t seem/feel real anymore, even though the feelings certainly feel do. Very real and very raw….

I feel so alone in this…
I know I’m not the only one in the world, or in my family or in my immediate circle who has lost someone in some way, but so much of the last year I have felt alone.
People, even my closest friends cant deal with me and my emotions (not that I show them often) but if I express anything, even a tiny bit of how I’m feeling (like how nothing about my life, or myself or my future inspires me or give me hope) people freeze up… no one knows how to deal with me. I think my brother dying was just one step to far for most and people just don’t know what to say or do to help….

I wish I knew. I honestly think this is just one step too far; one thing too much. i know I’m strong but this has been the final breaking of me and I have not an ounce of strength left…. I though that was the way after D broke up with me but this is a while new level of broken and rock bottom…

Im sorry for dumping on here, and wallowing in my pity party for all to see, but if i dont get it out somewhere I fear what might happen.