Loren Poppet

Well, as a teenager like most of the girls I wanted to be a model. But I was too short and I had some weight on.
Later on when I became superskinny I was still too petite…

Now I clicked on a facebook ad of a modelling agency and I saw on opportunity that they are looking “petite models” too!

I am just 160 cms. :) But it would be great to do some modelling. I mean I would love to see my photo at Oxford street in super big size like 6 meters x 4 meters or something like that :D or in fashion magazines.
And also it can be a good money for my medical studies.

But unfortunately I am not ready yet in my recent form.
I have to do plenty of things but as they are for me and I should do them anyway to feel better in my body I will do it!

LOL still better than nothing.
But my teenagerself would burst out in tears of laugh at my recent self.

I mean she was quite active. Walking a lot. Had at least 2 P.E. a week. Attend aerobics two up to six hours a week. And rode her bike every afternoon with friends… and yeah we even rode our bike up to the hill. I am sure I would die after 10 metres going up there now…

Oh and not to mention some extra exercises at the dorm with friends later I left my village and could not ride my bike.

Ok. I am going to start it TODAY.
Yeah, as I lost a lot of weight by dieting I feel much better.
However my figure is still not the same as it is used to be before my hormonal disease…
I want to be a hot girl again…
I just need the attention.
I am so sorry about it.
But I need it.
I need a perfect slim but still feminine body.

Will write entry at the end of the day!
Hopefully I will not be lazy as fcuk. xD
Cheers!

Ok.

It is not a hard task. I just have to buy a tree and plant in Spring I guess.

The only problem is the location.
As I do not know where I will live and I move barely every year I need an iconic place that I might visit later on too…

What if I plant a tree in a public area… Maybe in central London. :)
I would be like a rebel but I would not destroy, I would create.

I hate financial issues…
I hate that I did not have a stabile background.
I fell to deep depression after failing an exam and had to repeat a year.

Now. I aborted my studies… :(
It was the most painful decision I think in my life…
Yes. For me it really was painful.
But to tell you the truth I should have done it before.

Actually I wanted a deferred entry. I felt exhausted after my high school graduation and also my plans were that I would go working abroad for a year and come home with a nice savings for my studies and plenty of life experience…
I even thought about making my semester passive when we had to “check in” for the semester online… but I did not do it.
My mom said it is not a good idea… ok it is stupid to blame her all. I should not think about what others think, I should have done what I felt I have to do.

Now I live in London. Yes. And I am working in London. Few years later – and after a deep depressic period – I am about to continue MY plan. Not others, not my mother’s, MINE!
Also it was a shocking thing for others when I announced my decision that I do not go back to uni. And some of them were really rude towards me… saying that I gave it up, that I am just seeking for money, that my values are not right and shit like these…

Well, no! I WILL be a doctor!
But they also know that I do NOT have the background. Not the financial, neither the emotional.
I need to start my life. Because my plan that my parents would pay me everything during my tuition and serve me all the stuffs on a silver plate badly failed.
Well actually I should have been aware of it as my daddy told me “medicine is expensive” by this he meant that I should go some other uni. He wanted my to do some kind of finance stuff, but I am not interested in that… He even came up with this issue at a Christmas dinner with family, he made me so upset, especially being in the middle of exam period being stressed and he says I should give it up. How rude you are sometimes, Dad!

And my mom could not afford paying everything alone as well… mortgage and stuff…

It has been a crazy 2 years, But I am sure I can do it by myself.

Whatever I say I really relied on my parents, even when I had money from my job beside school I thought they will help me and I can take that money for harder days, or for books or other valuable extra things but no. Because it was always wasted for season ticket, food, clothes… but nothing like I wanted badly an own microscope… because as I had money they just did not give me any.

It was hard when I realized I can not rely on them anymore. My mom can not afford it. And my dad has his new family…

But it was also gorgeous when I realized that hell, I do not have to be depended on them. I am 21. Maybe I will be a doctor few years later. But I have to stop. I could not do job and school at the same time. So now I am saving and then I continue my studies either in 2013 or 2014 on a fast track.

Meanwhile I would like to work in a London hospital. My CV is in preparation. And later on I will finish an RN course back in my country – thank goodness I can do the exams immediatly I just need some more hours in practise, but they will count my previous jobs so odds are good.

And I also got know a man who has a laboratory and they did neurological researches too. So maybe if I am at home I will ask him about a tour at his lab :)

I am interested in neuroscience and the borderline of genetics – the neurogenesis in the hippacampus and the olfactory bulb. But brainsurgery is also interesting. I am going crazy about the human brain. That is so interesting, so many structures, so many tracks, and it controls an entire body. Amazing!

Researches according to dysgraphia would be interesting too. I have some interesting observations to research to either confirm or decline.

better than it used to be when I had depression.
actually that time I went to bed around 6-8 a.m. LOLL

nowdays I go to bed around 1a.m.
But I know that I sleep the best if I go to bed between 10-11 p.m.
then I wake fresh around 4-5 a.m.
the only problem I do not get out of bed even I feel fresh I am like I can sleep more, so let’s sleep MOOOOOREE!
and then I “oversleep myself”...

So from now on I am a PADI Open Water Diver :D
I am so happy!
It was truly an amazing experience!

It is over.
Over. Over. Over! Over. Over. Over. OOOOOOOOOVVVVER!

Oh my God. I am so glad! – I am about to burst in tears of relief thinking on how well I am compared to 1 or 2 years ago!
I can not look back that part of my life… I even did not use 43things after a while…but now I am here.

It is like spending 2 years with a dark stormcloud over me all the time…
Like I always had this darkness around me… like I do not really remember what has happened during that time… it just passed by, unnoticed while I was deep low all day and night…

I am so glad now!
I changed a lot!
I am still not like I was before, but well we grow up over the time.
I just need to restore my self-confidence now – yes, depression did make some damages that you have to restore thenafter…
It is party back, but I need it all… I still get confused sometimes, and I miss my extremely confident teenager-self when it comes to career. She was always the best, shocking for others being so extremely outstanding.

Well, yes. I got back to life.
I did so many things… I will write another entry upon how I did it.

Hope you guys are also getting better!
Wish you the best!

I spent 3000 pound that is approximately 4800 USD in the last month…
I have to find a balance… because I have realized that I do not like to sit on money. I like to USE it.
But I still should have some savings…

Although I spent that much I think it worth it, I educated myself, learned to dive and met a lot of new and interesting people. Ine of them told me when I complained about spending so much if I felt great and benefited out of the things I spent of I should not complain about spending money because it worth it. Well yes, he changed the way I saw things and I had to agree with him, because the last month was fantastic for me!

Now I do not save, I want a business that saves me some money later on. So let’s invest in.

Another valley of depression…
I dont think this early-darkening thing does good to my healing depression…

I had few cries this week. However job makes me feel at least better and meke me go out of the house in the weekends and aftErnoons too.

/43things is not iphone compatible…:(/

revised a little bit before school.
I feel i really can get back my German knowledge easily.
However we still dont get on well with der/die/das…
awwwwwwww WARUM???

now at schooltime i am happy to do my must to do things…
writing thing on my whiteboard, well looking at that im closer to the end… and maybe than i can have same relaxed moments not fearingand stressed of what i still have to do…

i got there and the job was already filled…
oh gosh i should apply sooner.
but as i have another job in October I was unsure if i can work here too.
Well maybe it was luck, becouse they doubled- or even more- my ‘working territory’ so I really wouldnt have time for working here and still study.

Btw I found another “salesperson needed” sign -or how its called in english.
So i guess I will apply there. my place will be smaller :S these jobs are like a kiosk-not food- in a local mall. I chosed to do such things bc. sitting there I can study :D:P
The first one was a jewellry stand and this other is a cooking stuffs stand.
Hope the owner would be happy with my English… in the weekends the mall is full of with foreign tourists and maybe ppl here speak English- but a really funny way xD /my daddy at ebay: I want a led clock/ xDxD instead of wristwatch…

btw that old bitccccchhh saleswoman was so unpolite, i wanted to give her my CV if they need an extra person in the future and she was like “oh the boss said the job is filled so no need of it” I so like to talk with the boss of a place… these saleswomen fear their “sitting on my ass and chatting while earning money” style jobs… the little girl around my age helped me the most. There was another middle age woman she also lied to me…”we need it to be done at least 19 days of a month and from 10am-8pm… BLATANT LIE- the little girl told me that only around 12 days needed in real when I came to her like “i can work about 16 days a month if its ok then i come” she told me to get a CV but next time i went back they have found someone else.

Mom told me dont fear lot of things can happen till November…

i was on a karaoke night with M.
I didnt sing anything public, just sang at home :D:P
I became too shy…
I have been in the school choir for 6-7 yrs.
And also sang in the music school as a kid 3-10…

i still remember singing a folk song at music lesson- we had a very nice teacher who couldnt control my classmates and the guys were shouting all class- and i started singing and imeddiatly everyone became silent.
and at the end of the song the teacher looked at me and said all right thats how it must be done and gave me an A.
The class was still silent of the amazement.

And than A. shouted: Megastar 3!!!! -it was like X-factor here, and the 3rd series was up to come :D
I still havent been to such audition. I feel like I lost my voice.
And as a med student doubt that I could go to the X-factor – thats newer and better- even the channel is about 10 mins from me on foot.
Its always fun to see how many ppl go there for auditions.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday 4 more to go

I feel better. :D
Truthfully I have been trying this more than 2 weeks, but as you see I always fail within 7 days but I can feel the difference. I have more energy in the morning as well. I have done so many things today already :D – in my avarage ways I wake up afternoon and eat even later and it makes my whole day fail…

starting from 62,4 kg

ok yesterday my mommy slept at my apartment and seeing me in my PJ she told me my legs and hip has gotten extremle big…
and she is right…

i must move more i dont eat much but i am totally lack of moving/exercising anything…i spet closely my whole life in my apartment in the last months- fcuk depression- which has a result on my body! i must go outside! do something…

Sunday, Monday 5 more to go

went to bed around 2 a.m. woke around 7:10 but still little bit sleepy…
i should have already gone to the university – not to a lecture- but to do official paperwork etc…

took shower, and doing some online must to dos..

Today went to bed around 3 a.m. I woke at 6:30 a.m. bc. my cousin’s husband went to the capital city in the early hours by car so I could save myself from a long travel by train…

Btw he was absolutly fun to chat with, I guess I will travel with him next time if the time is right for both of us.

I hate local trains… they are mostly so used and old and noisy…
Hope the idea of buying new trains will come true as they planned it…

Today FAILED…

It is 1:13 a.m. and i still have things to do…

It will be like yesterday, going bed around 4 waking around 7:30 than having a nap from 3 p.m to 6…

Pfff maybe I wake just around 9, and go to sleep at 4, than i sleep 5 hours than take a wakening cold shower….

... or maybe the another side of the planet.
My schedule is like a mans in the other side of the world, the sad thing is that we do things at the same time…

Okok not the other side, but I live as GMT-4 to -6 time… however living in a GMT+2 area…..............................
no question why my English improved so much as a teenager playing online games with foreigners – mainly US citizen kids, bc. I was awake when there was afternoon…xD
that was tho pro side of the thing

cons:
- there is only in the capital city 0-24 post office… and in the country if i visit relatives post offices close around 5 p.m.
- shops with the same problems written above
- SCHOOOL!!!
- makes u antisocial waking up in the afternoon bc. when you finish your own things it is night, unlike others who do their stuff in the morning and than meet with friends in the afternoon – i want to be like this!