lucyann2

I don’t have a problem with eye contact, I’m quite comfy with it but I also feel that I don’t really bother too much with people I don’t know. Especially people who work in bars and shops and stuff. I’ll smile in their general direction but I wont lock eyes with them. I always find that if I do make eye contact and smile at these people then they always smile back and I think it might cheer them up a bit. I do have a winning smile and I often worry that it’s misinterpreted as flirting but there’s worse things to be mistaken to be doing.

If you think about someone hard enough are they then forced to think about you back? Of all the mysteries in life this is the one I wish I could solve. I think it is a beautiful sentiment in itself. I also think that sometimes I think about someone and I don’t know why I’m thinking about them and then they randomly get in touch and I wonder whether I summoned them or they summoned me. Did their thinking about me make me think about them or vice versa? If it is true then does that mean that there is no such thing as unrequited love? It would be an inexpressable comfort to me to think that all those hours of heartache for lovers who have jilted me have not been in vain, that they too were feeling my pain by some sort of emotional osmosis.
If you think about someone often enough and they have to think about you back then where do the thoughts we have about people who wave died go? Into everything? Into nothing?

Well, it been a bit of a difficult time for me lately. You know the band that I was in and all excited about? Well I’m not in it anymore. It is no more. I’m not going to get into the gruesome details of what happened… just that I’ve been completely stabbed in the back and the whole thing has been very distressing and hurtful for me. It also feels a bit like quite a few friends are pretty happy that things aren’t working out well for me at the moment. There have been quite a few sort of “welcome to my world” comments and a lot of disinterestedness. Never mind, I’ve had amazing support from my brother and from one of my tutors about it and I think that without their help I probably wouldn’t be coping so well now. One thing you always need to remember if you’re a creative is that nobody will be as interested or excited about your work than you are, which basically means that sometimes you just have to accept that, to a varying degree your friends will always be a bit indifferent to your emotional investment in your work. My music (to me) really is my baby and it feels like one of my precious babies, fruit of my musical womb has been kidnapped and brutaly murdered.
You can’t keep a good girl down though, at least this has galvinised me to make more efforts with my other band and to examine what I really want to achieve musically. I’m not sure what that is yet but I don’t feel too worried about working that out. Catharsis seems to be high on the agenda lately. Catharsis and empathy.
I think I might have to really tap back into my core convictions and feelings soon to figure some things out. What seems pretty obvious to me at the moment though is that I have little or no interest in looking into the past.