Due to unfortunate circumstances, I recently ended my relationship with the man I’d been seeing for five months’ time.
Yesterday I spent the evening catching beads with friends at the Mardi Gras parades. After parting company, my feet led me to my favorite restaurant/watering hole/”living room” space; I’ve had a crush on the owner of this establishment since just about this time last year, truth be known.
It’s a complicated situation… This man’s long-time girlfriend/business partner died unexpectedly about two years ago and he is still grieving and adapting – we all know this about him. He and I basically had the place to ourselves and after my participation in the crowded chaos, it was delightfully quiet. (It felt a little like Edward Hopper’s Nighthawks brought to life… Timeless, but in a good way.)
I’d not planned on it but, for whatever reason, my secret heart chose this moment to speak… The words slipped from my lips before I’d even consciously registered what I was saying, if that makes sense? And I was stone-cold sober (not an easy feat during this time of year ‘round here).
I simply said that he’s someone that I admire and am attracted to, without agenda or design – I just wanted to finally tell him this.
He stammered and blushed for a bit, saying that he’s still taking time for himself. I let him know that this was fine by me, that it was something I understand and support. I said that I told him about how I feel only because it had bothered me that I’d not been able to speak up about this and that I felt better for having done so – it was all I needed from this exchange. (In truth, I felt relieved – like something inside of me had been set right.)
He responded by telling me that he genuinely and definitely appreciated what I’d shared, and I could see from his smile and the look in his eyes that while he had been surprised, he was also happy about (maybe even delighted by?) what I’d told him. I know this is true because his composure had returned and it shows when he is on comfortable ground.
We talked about other things for another hour or so, listening to our favorite songs on the jukebox, singing along every now and again, and toasted one another with a “team shot.” When I left to return home for the evening, we hugged and parted company while laughing.
Even if it never goes beyond this slice of time shared, I am happy for knowing that I gave this man a St. Valentine’s Day surprise and that maybe I’d even managed to make it a better night for him than it might have been otherwise.
I know that it made me feel great (no regrets).