I can’t seem to do anything but write, people keep calling…I wish they wouldn’t. Since my previous entry I’ve accomplished a black out drunk that lasted a whopping three hours, this muse she is strong…his mom wants to talk, I want to break things , tear my hair out… there’s broken glass all over the hallway, but I can’t feel a thing. I’m listening to songs that previously held some meaning ;
sour girl – stone temple pilots. from the love that I gave into that never gave me…i’m failing you, i’m falling…
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I haven’t slept in something like thirty six hours…and I’ve still got so far to go. So I’m listening to Gogol Bordello on my dying ipod rocking back and forth with a can of pabst glued to my hand.
I haven’t had a drink in six months or so, but this is what drugs will do to you. I contemplated seeing a doctor to get on suboxone, but then I’d just have to withdraw at a later date in a slightly more socially acceptable way. I’d rather do it my way; in my dirty apartment, floor littered with beer cans and liqour bottles, Gypsy music coursing through my body. I’m stronger than you. I’m stronger than this. I’m stronger stronger stronger, and I know that some day this will all make a really great story, perhaps only a few years from now. If you could define me at all I’d be a survivalist, I’ll do whatever it takes. I can’t wait to go…we’re ditching this place, goodby Portland, hello open road. In a few short weeks I will be home, deep in the caverns of the Mojave. I’m coming home.
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Starting Over
2 months ago
He took time off work, I just didn’t go in, and I’m starting the whole process over again tomorrow because I’ve been trying to take care of him. I really wish I had some anxiety pills, or something, but screw it. This must be done now. At least I’m not scared anymore…we’ve hit a bottom and there’s nowhere to go but up…so I will see you all in five days. That’s all it takes, just five days…but those five days seem like a fucking lifetime when it’s you who can’t sleep, you who aches all over, you who will be lying by the toilet for two or three days. I’m stronger than this. That’s all I need to remember. Please, send lots of good thoughts if you can :) Love, M
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I'm doing 25 things
