I can’t seem to do anything but write, people keep calling…I wish they wouldn’t. Since my previous entry I’ve accomplished a black out drunk that lasted a whopping three hours, this muse she is strong…his mom wants to talk, I want to break things , tear my hair out… there’s broken glass all over the hallway, but I can’t feel a thing. I’m listening to songs that previously held some meaning ;
sour girl – stone temple pilots. from the love that I gave into that never gave me…i’m failing you, i’m falling…
madras's Life List
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1. Become a forensic photographer.
2 entries . 51 cheers16 people -
2. document kindness, life's selfless acts, beautiful moments and gentle amusements and encourage others to do the same
7 entries . 32 cheers15 people -
3. Start an absurd band
4 entries . 29 cheers1 person -
4. Send postcards to people I've never met
2 entries . 29 cheers3 people -
5. travel the world
4 entries . 24 cheers15,222 people -
6. spend time in Iceland
2 entries . 28 cheers4 people -
7. Take and post a picture everyday
3 entries . 13 cheers1 person -
8. quit smoking.
7 entries . 34 cheers6,999 people -
9. learn the violin
3 entries . 13 cheers89 people -
10. Say something completely random to someone completely random every day for a month. Log the phrases and reactions.
4 entries . 12 cheers3 people -
11. Learn German
6 cheers3,745 people -
12. re-organize my 43 things
2 entries . 6 cheers2 people -
13. Share the things I love (places, books, movies, etc.) with the people I love
7 cheers1 person -
14. Become healthy
5 entries . 4 cheers100 people -
15. Get back into bellydancing and ballet
1 entry . 2 cheers1 person -
16. Put out a new zine with J and B
1 entry1 person -
17. Help my boyfriend open a tattoo studio
1 entry . 1 cheer1 person -
18. Put ALL of my tips into savings
1 cheer1 person -
19. Kick the Habit
5 entries . 3 cheers5 people -
20. Sell stuff on etsy.com
1 entry . 2 cheers1 person -
21. Get my Oregon drivers license
1 person -
22. Do 101 sit-ups for 101 consecutive days.
3 entries . 1 cheer6 people -
23. Daily: Reflect on 5 things for which I'm grateful.
7 entries . 1 cheer547 people -
24. Click to help every day and encourage others to join in
2 entries1 person -
25. Be honest
476 people
I haven’t slept in something like thirty six hours…and I’ve still got so far to go. So I’m listening to Gogol Bordello on my dying ipod rocking back and forth with a can of pabst glued to my hand.
I haven’t had a drink in six months or so, but this is what drugs will do to you. I contemplated seeing a doctor to get on suboxone, but then I’d just have to withdraw at a later date in a slightly more socially acceptable way. I’d rather do it my way; in my dirty apartment, floor littered with beer cans and liqour bottles, Gypsy music coursing through my body. I’m stronger than you. I’m stronger than this. I’m stronger stronger stronger, and I know that some day this will all make a really great story, perhaps only a few years from now. If you could define me at all I’d be a survivalist, I’ll do whatever it takes. I can’t wait to go…we’re ditching this place, goodby Portland, hello open road. In a few short weeks I will be home, deep in the caverns of the Mojave. I’m coming home.
He took time off work, I just didn’t go in, and I’m starting the whole process over again tomorrow because I’ve been trying to take care of him. I really wish I had some anxiety pills, or something, but screw it. This must be done now. At least I’m not scared anymore…we’ve hit a bottom and there’s nowhere to go but up…so I will see you all in five days. That’s all it takes, just five days…but those five days seem like a fucking lifetime when it’s you who can’t sleep, you who aches all over, you who will be lying by the toilet for two or three days. I’m stronger than this. That’s all I need to remember. Please, send lots of good thoughts if you can :) Love, M
