I'm doing 25 things
I want to be able to move on from this constant hurt that I’ve been feeling. It’s been almost a year since I deleted everything, but I’m still feeling it. I miss the e-mails, the comments, and the closeness of what we had. What we shared. And I ended it all with the click of a button. It’s not as devastating as true losses…but still a loss nonetheless. It’s the ending of a close friendship with someone that I still cherish. I was jealous and afraid that we were drifting apart, so what did I do? I ended up making SURE that our friendship would be torn apart by my own actions. And it’s taken me a long time to come to terms with it. There’s no going back to what used to be. It’s gone. It’s devastatingly painful to try to rationalize why I did what I did. I think my misery stems from my inability to forgive myself for making such a stupid and preventable mistake in my past. Unfortunately, you can’t undo the past and reverse your actions since it’s apparently against the rules. If we all could, don’t we all wish we could scream at our old selves, “DON’T DO THAT! YOU’LL BE MISERABLE IF YOU DO!!!” Unfortunately, that isn’t reality. That’s a work of fiction. And if we all had that ability, neither of us would learn from the err of our ways. I’m trying to learn from it and not allow it to swallow me whole. We’re all children of the universe, and we’re never given anything we can’t handle. I have to remember this.
malicacid's Life List
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1. forgive myself for not being perfect
68 people -
2. stop being so jealous of other people
1 person -
3. forgive people who've hurt me
1 person -
4. attend a U2 concert
2 people -
5. wake up feeling happy
1 entry4 people -
6. travel around the world
4,614 people -
7. be whole again
2 people -
8. overcome my grief
1 entry2 people -
9. move to another city
87 people -
10. overcome my fear of dying alone
1 person -
11. visit Japan
5,522 people -
12. have a meaningful life
10 people -
13. have fun
2,958 people -
14. meet true friends
4 people -
15. forget my past and move on
3 people -
16. learn from my pain and evolve
1 person -
17. discover my dream career
1 person -
18. Learn to fly
2,144 people -
19. be happy
21,885 people -
20. To live instead of exist
10,888 people -
21. forgive myself for my mistakes
1 entry47 people -
22. let go
945 people -
23. stop hating myself
442 people -
24. stop beating myself up for old mistakes
80 people -
25. meet the love of my life
323 people
Recent entries
Grief over a stupid mistake
5 months ago
Untitled
5 months ago
Right now I don’t wake up feeling happy because of the shame, guilt, and anger over my reactions to life’s hard knocks. However, I need to learn to forgive myself and know that any of us can change how we think and feel…if we choose to.
Untitled
5 months ago
I want to be HAPPY again and be proud of everything I’ve accomplished instead of obsessing about the past and hating myself for the mistakes I’ve made. Some mistakes are irreversible and unforgivable…but in order to let go, forgiving myself for being Human is a necessary requirement.
...why does it take loss and pain to evolve? Why can’t we learn WITHOUT having to go through so much suffering?...
