maliflower87

I started seeing a therapist last week. The first session I pretty much just talked the whole time about my life and what has happened to me, and what kind of experiences I’ve had. My story is an incredibly long and complicated one, so the session lasted about an hour and a half, and as I said, I did most of the talking. My therapist gave me this homework:

Write out my expectations for men.
Write out my expectations for women.

That was one of the hardest assignments I’ve ever received in my life. I didn’t know where to start. The only thing that came to mind was that I’m skeptical of men and I always think they have ulterior motives. I couldn’t think of a damn thing for women…
I’m curious, if anyone reads this entry, what are your expectations for men and women?

My second session the therapist asked me a lot of questions about my childhood, and she did most of the talking….mostly an analysis of how I deal/cope with things. She hit it right on the money when she said that I grew up with chaos, and that I had no stability, so I look for stability through other people instead of searching for stability within myself….there’s a whole slew of explanations and stories that go along with that, but I don’t know if I should write it all out on the internet. But in general that is really how I am. And I try to cope with it and defend myself by shutting people out, because I don’t love myself. And she also said that by shutting people out, I prevent myself from facing my strengths and weaknesses, which – as she pointed out – are things I’m very afraid to face.

My homework for this week is to journal about myself. I have to write about things that I like/love about myself, and write about things that I dislike/hate about myself. She said that sometimes the things that you hate about yourself are the things that can help you move forward towards healing and dealing with things.

This is a crazy time in my life, and it’s all hard to take in and deal with alone, but…at the same time it feels good :)

been through so much in the past two years…just…things that people shouldn’t go through, and I don’t know if I should just post them on the interent for everyone to see.

it really effects how I interact with people, and I am in constant pain all the time. not so much like, physical sharp pain, but…I feel a weight all over my upper-body. it used to only be in the chest area, but now it’s spread from my chest area to my arms, and I feel like my eyes are deep and sad. I’m exhausted a lot of the time too, not only because of my rigourous schedule but because all of those things have been weighing on me, and I have been trying to deal with them on my own. I really can’t. I need help…

that’s one of the hardest things to admit. No one wants to admit that they have issues…but I gotta. because I can’t go on like this…..

it’s so hard too because I’m at a point in my life where I lack really close friends. so I don’t really have too many people that I can open up to about this. I feel very alone. but I know I’m a strong person, and I know that I’ll make it through this…

I guess my first day of counseling was the first day of my life. We’ll see where it goes from here…

tidy up my room a whoooooooole lot as well as rearrange the furniture. I even vacuumed my room up, which was something I hadn’t done in FAR too long…..there are still a few details that need attained to, but I’m on the way to having a clean room!! I’m so excited!! I’m finally getting organized :)

now my next goal will be to stay organized…