mamidragon

perfectly perfect, compatible, mature, insanely attractive musician / local film talent / gifted surgeon pursues me for months AND OF COURSE I BLOW IT. le sob. “didn’t want a relationship” – if he liked me he wouldn’t talk that way, am i right or wrong?

i freak out whenever i get too far from my comfort zone – being contentedly alone, emotionally unattached, slightly brooding over my last self-imposed heartbreak or dizzy with hope about my potential next one that i’d never dream of materializing.

i have no problem coming across opportunities. i go on loads of dates and have all these flirtatious little dalliances. i even had a boyfriend for a second because i knew i was about to move to switzerland so i wasn’t afraid of it ending. but once i start to like them back without an upcoming move to an overseas country, i get super sensitive about things that don’t even freakin matter, and when i bolt, i stop communicating so good they don’t come after me. i take it very personally that they don’t keep trying…but i honestly don’t blame them. what if i called this good man and apologized? was i too stringent in my standards? he did nothing but say he didn’t want a relationship “right now” and i get out of his life for good thinking some other girl will change his mind and i don’t wanna be around to see it.

i have just turned 26 even tho i feel about 14, and have roughly the romantic experience of any particularly disobedient 16-year-old. i have done spectacular things with my life (“i’ve done 69 things” check em out – and that’s only since last year, there’s been way more) but i have never, ever, once, been in love. it just seems too dangerous and it paralyzes me with fear. ever the single-and-fabulous type, i am now wondering if i’ve been missing out and what i am so scared of. why do i think it is so much to ask? why don’t i embrace it like any other adventure? am i wrong to shrug it off every time as the wrong guy, or is every guy going to be the wrong guy because of something repelling i do?

if “to have a friend, be a friend,” then “to have a boyfriend, be a girlfriend?” i can’t imagine how any two people ever in the history of the world ever got together for more than drunken hook-ups – that is how foreign this stuff is to me. i can run 26 miles and travel the world when i’m broke and tame vicious pit bulls, and strike a match off my 2 front teeth, and speak italian, and even get a 4-year-old to floss her own teeth properly… but i can’t believe people can fall in love. much less do it myself.

all you high school kids – sometimes i wish i got over all this when i was your age – gather ye rosebuds while ye may. of course, other times i wouldn’t change a thing and figure it’s all for the best and the best is yet to come.

i just want to accomplish this to prove to myself it’s possible. christ it doesn’t have to be my future husband or anything, just someone to make out with whenever i want.

added this goal in march of 2008 and now that it’s almost nov of 2009, the 1st step of the process is complete: i know why i wanna go to grad school.

i want my teaching certification and master’s at once and i found some programs that offer that. here goes sorting which one i want and applying.

-program coordinator of the place i used to volunteer at, a huge bitch who spoke to me so disrespectfully that she has ensured i’ll never volunteer again…and who occasionally calls me with animal complaints, thinking she has an “in” because she knew me…so on top of treating me like a bad employee she expects special work-related favors from me.

-cousin who leaves allllll the 24-7, intensely-challenging care of her ill mother to my mother, who has had to turn her life upside-down over it. this would be intended nothing like the first one – this would be to give her the smack in the ass she needs to not lose the respect of everyone else in the family, and i would only do it out of love, for we’ve always been very close friends. i’m closer to her than almost anyone and i’m so disgusted that if she keeps up like this, i’d honestly not care to keep up contact with her…and everyone else feels exactly the same way 10x more. even our 88-yr-old wonderful grandfather, who is never disappointed, is upset with her, and that appalls me. she has no idea. losing the family that way would kill her, i know. she has moved 3 hours away with her total jerk of a husband (at least she seems crazy about him) and is completely clueless as to the situation with her mother – she figures all we have to do is medicate the woman and watch her vegitate, when everyday is actually a trying battle that leaves a whole network of caregivers (exhaustively recruited, managed, and paid by my mother) exhausted and depleted after just a few hours with her. it would be a delicate sort of telling-off…not mindless that my cousin has the terrible misfortune of having an ill mother…

but say i don’t do it and the whole family shuns her in the coming years? we are not a shunning sort of family – she’d be the first ever- but people are actually talking that way, it is so infuriating. i don’t want to see that happen to her. i still value her friendship…but look what she’s doing to my mother.

i’ve never told anyone off.